


Make it alright...

by I_did_not_mean_to



Series: Rewrite history [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: 1 chapter per day, Bisexuality, F/F, Grofflin, Just borrowing people, Long, M/M, Nonsense, Not Canon Compliant, Oral Sex, Polemic, Relationship(s), Romance, Sex, Teasing, Verbal child abuse, assplay, bad racists, doubts, factually incorrect, reference to slavery, smut for your nerves, threat of violence, vulgar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-10-12 14:51:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 55
Words: 74,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20566184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_did_not_mean_to/pseuds/I_did_not_mean_to
Summary: Catherina moves back to New York to find a new life, what she finds is a childhood friend who's always been in love with her and new friends. Only, Jonathan and Lin have a lot of other problems to solve, first and foremost their mutual attraction and the inability to actually talk about it.So lots of communication problems, tons of love and a dash of light-hearted smut.





	1. 1

1  
Jonathan was more than slightly confused and stood staring at the closed door on which a sheet with his name had been affixed.  
Beautiful paper, the same one the letter he had gotten a few days prior had been printed upon. Entranced by paper, of all things marvellous and strange in this world, paper, he squealed in surprise as a pair of arms wrapped themselves around his waist. He knew those arms, knew the scent of coffee and pure joy accompanying it, knew those expressive hands.  
“Do you know what’s going on here, then?” he asked, sinking a little deeper into the hug before turning around and finding himself face to face with a person he dreamed about more often than he cared to admit.  
“Nope.” Lin grinned and took a sip of his coffee, carefree as ever and smiling in a way that reminded Jonathan of everything good in this world.  
Reaching beyond the other man, Lin shoved the door open, strode in and sat down on a couch, still sipping coffee and smiling.  
It had been too long, Jonathan knew, he had missed his friend dearly and he was glad to have the opportunity to see more of him these coming days.  
Sighing, he joined Lin on the couch, allowing himself to sling an arm loosely around the shoulders of the other man and jokingly breathe: “Off to adventure then for us.”

“Oh, you’re at it again, are you?” Elena leaned against the open door.  
“Lena. Nice to see you too. Are they about to start?” Lin beamed at her and she nodded before just turning around and leaving.  
“Let’s go then.”

A young man shuffled uncomfortably on the stage, fidgeting with his papers, blinking in the spotlight.  
“Uhm…yes…” he started nervously before explaining that letters had been sent to major and minor plays and musicals and that many had agreed to join for a quite mysterious venture.  
It was planned that every show was to have two runs, one for the old, the frail, the disadvantaged and the children and one for the richest of the rich. The first one was to be free and the second one was to be billed at around 1000 $ a ticket. The artists were offered a king’s ransom for being there and the localities, both theatres and hotels, had been organized.  
The crowd fell into a low hum of murmurs and exclamations.  
“The benefactor will be revealed in good time. We are very grateful for all the performers who are willing to support this little event. Erm, yes, that’s all, the assistants will tell you more…well…bye.” the man raced off the stage and disappeared as fast as he could.  
“Interesting.” Lin murmured, much too close to Jonathan’s face for comfort and took a last sip of coffee.  
“Wanna crash at my place?”  
Jonathan bit his lip; he had no idea how he could have been so dumb to say this out loud.  
“Yeah sure thing.” Lin smiled happily and bounced off to greet old friend and colleagues.  
This whole thing had a taste of summer camp, of reunion, of fun and Jonathan was more than ready to be lulled into safety by the warm embrace of those he loved. His thoughts went right back to Lin, to their friendship, to how beautiful he was, to how it was dangerous to be that close to him.  
Unconsciously, he always seemed to move towards Lin, following him around the crowded room at a distance, just like a child who didn’t want to lose sight of his mother at the mall.  
Shaking his head, Jonathan willed himself to turn around and get a coffee for himself at the small counter. He chatted absentmindedly with some colleagues, hugging friends and laughing at jokes. It was good to be back, but he had to be careful.

Anna Elena Maria was just talking to a fellow dancer about their careers when her phone rang.  
“I’m back.” Two words that sent her heart into a dizzy spell. Tears rose in her eyes and she had to turn away before anybody saw.  
She was back, back in the States, back in New York, back at the mansion. Elena just wanted to see her, wished she had wings to fly over, but she knew that she had to be patient, let her come to her. So, hands aflutter, she told the sender where she was and asked her to swing by if she could manage it.  
From that very moment on, she kept staring at the door, as if she could make another person move against their will by her wishful thinking.  
“Okay.” One word.  
Elena sighed and moved closer to the door, ready to wrap her arms around her friend as soon as she walked through the door.

Catherina caught a glimpse of herself in the huge mirrors in the foyer and flinched. Her brother had been right, she needed a little bit of time for herself, needed to rest, needed to start sleeping and eating again.  
It had been a hard few months, the funeral, the divorce. She had run herself into the ground and yet, she had started another project. She knew she wouldn’t be able to ever get back on her feet again if she didn’t make this right, she simply had to give all the things that had washed over her like a huge, crashing wave a purpose and a sense.  
Taking a deep breath, she straightened her back and readjusted the black dress before entering the room and facing so many other things she couldn’t quite explain.  
Elena’s heart broke instantly.  
“Reina.” She sobbed and threw her arms around the other woman in a desperate expression of love and devotion.  
“Lena.” Catherina sighed in the warm embrace. Yes, it had been right to come here, to come to the only place, to the only person, she had ever felt secure with.  
As they disentangled themselves, Elena saw the dark shadows under her friend’s eyes. Catherina, Reina to her, had never looked so worn out, so pale, so drawn. The Latina in her reacted with prompt anger, the Scot with a solemn vow of revenge. She would hunt down the people who had hurt her friend, her queen, that bad and she would make them pay.  
“_Cariña_. Don’t! I’m okay, don’t worry.” Catherina whispered and put her hand, that delicate, ice-cold hand, to her face in a tentative to soothe Elena’s quickly fraying nerves.  
“I…wait here…” Elena said breathlessly as an idea came to her. “I’ll be right back.”

She shoved herself through the people, frantically scanning the crowd for the person she needed now. Finally finding him, surprisingly without Groff anywhere near hovering around, she grasped Lin’s arm and pleaded: “I need you to come with me. Please.”  
Reacting to the urgency in her voice and, if he was to be honest, on pure impulse, Lin followed her without even asking what this was about.  
But Jonathan had been hovering, so he saw the little scene, saw the terror in the eyes of the woman from earlier and the bare need resonated within him, thus he decided to follow them to find out what terrible thing had happened on this ill-fated day.  
They were now almost running, the long legs of the dancer flinging out like a horse’s and Lin in hot pursuit, already dishevelled and huffing.  
Shrugging to himself, Jonathan fell into a weird trot to keep up, as if they were on some open plain rather than in a closed room.

“Reina? This is Lin-Manuel Miranda.” Elena introduced breathlessly.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a second chapter just to give you a better feeling of my style and what to expect in general.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Catherina blinked. Her friend sounded as if she had found a cure to AIDS, as if this dramatic introduction was more than just an introduction, as if…she was gifting her something precious.

She stretched her hand out, smiling politely, saying all the right things, but still wondering inside what her friend had intended by this.

“It’s an honour, I’m sure. Happy to meet you. How do you do?” Her own voice sounded hollow to herself.

“Ha! And there’s Groff.” Elena exclaimed and roped the second innocent bystander in.

His hand sliding protectively up Lin’s back, Jonathan Groff grasped Catherina’s hand and shook it slowly.

Sadness and hurt radiated from this woman in almost palpable waves, the smile on her face never reaching the eyes. She was not an unattractive woman, curvy and well-groomed, she looked like a widow or an orphan in her black dress and it made her look fragile and tragic.

Her voice was soft, she seemed well-spoken and her words of welcome were polite and warm, but he could see her confusion and the desperation with which she clung to her dignity.

Instinctively, he held her small hand a little tighter before he let go.

The dancer now looked at this woman with eager eyes, waiting for her approval, for a sign.

“Oh Lena.” The woman sighed.

“I’m indeed, well…Lin-Manuel Miranda. As she said. It has been said before. Erm…Yes…Nice to meet you.” Lin stumbled over his words, unsure how to proceed.

“I know. And as I said, it is indeed an honour. I am in awe of your talent.” The woman replied, warming up slowly, smiling earnestly this time.

“And that’s Groffsauce. Isn’t he cute?” Lin went on, this time getting a real chuckle out of the woman.

Elena smiled too. This is what she had wanted to achieve, there was so much death clinging to Reina, so much sadness. She could not think of anyone more fiercely alive than Lin and she wanted to shine the light of his immense warmth on the brittle bones of the woman she adored.

“So, you give me this, Lena? Beauty? Talent?” Catherina turned to her and Elena felt herself blush, the curse of her Scottish blood and skin.

“I…yes…Life. I want to remind you of the things we’ve done, of the things we’ve loved, of the time before everything went to hell and…” Elena knew she was rambling, but she wanted her friend to understand what she had intended.

“I thank you then.”

Catherina had seen these men before, many a time before, but always on a screen, on a stage.

She had never longed to meet them in real life, she was too shy to actually voice her admiration or love for things and people and that was part of her problem, she admitted.

They were…interesting. Aside their good looks and known talent, it was their interaction that fascinated her: the way they touched each other casually, the comfort and the communication in their movements against one another’s skin and the smiles they exchanged.

She had been married for 6 years without her husband ever smiling at her like this.

“Oh, I’d love to draw you, one day.” She whispered, louder than intended.

“Oh? Us? Naked?” Lin wiggled his brows suggestively and plunged into a brainstorm of settings that would make a great piece of art. Such as Jonathan naked on a horse, taking a cup from an equally naked Lin or both of them sitting in a roman bath, eating grapes and watching the sunset.

Catherina’s mouth fell open in sheer disbelief. She had drawn and painted all her life, but never had she imagined such ludicrous ideas.

“Swing by tomorrow then.” Elena laughed and gave them the address she knew by heart.

Without skipping a beat, Catherina acknowledged the invitation, nodded, expressed her hearty compliance with Elena’s flight of sympathy and then realised, that this meant that Elena planned on spending the night at her place, like old times.

“There will be no horses and I’d rather you stay fully dressed.” Catherina added shyly, which made Lin burst into laughter.

“See Groff, I’m the only one enjoying you naked.” He said with a shrug.

“Indeed. That is…ewww…no.” Elena laughed and nudged Jonathan good-humouredly.

“I’m a lesbian.” She explained.

She stared into Jonathan’s eyes and found a mirror. The silent wishes hidden behind a brazen self-acceptance; none of them denied being what they were, they were beacons, they were proud, but in the eyes of that man, she found an echo of a pain she barely ever talked about.

_I’m a lesbian, but she isn’t. She’s married. She’s his_.

“Yes, well…I don’t strip down to my skin just because Lin says so.” expostulated Jonathan.

“Wouldn’t you just?” Catherina murmured to herself, once again too loud to go unnoticed.

“So… will you come and watch this? I mean you could afford the tickets, couldn’t you? Otherwise, I can smuggle you in.” Elena changed the subject.

_Oh, if you only knew. I have to tell you. Soon._

“Yes. I shall come.” Catherina said instead and brushed one of Elena’s dark curls out of her face. Her friend leaned into the touch like a cat and Catherina went on stroking her white cheek, brushing her thumb along her cheekbones tenderly.

“I have missed you so much.” Elena sighed, then remembered they were not alone and blushed.

She should not have bothered, because both men knew exactly what she meant, they could see the blurred lines between friendship and something distinctly different in others, felt the echo of this indecent longing in their own guts.

“Yes. So did I.” Catherina breathed and took in the room with a sweeping glance.

“Do you remember?” She asked her friend in a low, trembling voice.

“Reina and me we met outside one of these theatres, you know? She was a sensitive kid; she had burst into tears during one particularly dramatic scene and her father had sent her outside so nobody would witness her weakness. I, on the other hand, was just too poor to afford the tickets. I comforted her, I snuck into her bedroom and the next day, we went to see the same play again together. We’ve been friends ever since. She still cries every time.”

“And Elena still comforts me.” Catherina completed her friend’s tale, and both sighed happily.

“Wait…How old were you? You snuck into her bedroom and all?” Lin interjected, enthralled by the story.

“7 or 8?” Elena looked searchingly at Catherina who nodded.

“When you come by, you’ll see the tree I climbed many a time to see Catherina.” Elena added, grinning.

“We’ll be there.” Jonathan promised as he saw Lin nod with enthusiasm.

Catherina nodded too, slower than Lin, measured, still unsure what was happening here. They were the kind of people you didn’t want to let go, people you want to have around because they make you feel real and alive.

Lin stretched out his hand and Catherina flinched, shying away like a nervous beast, unused to being touched.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as far as possible, I'll be posting a chapter per day (except Friday and Saturday probably because I'll be on holiday).
> 
> By now, it should also be possible to comment so if you actually read this and didn't just click on it by mistake, I'd be very grateful for a small comment so I know that it has been read by someone :)
> 
> Enjoy

“I’m sorry. May I hug you?” Lin asked in a calm and reassuring voice.

“I don’t know.” Catherina was struggling with herself, she didn’t like being touched but…

“You may.” She concluded and tried to relax.

The first thing she realised was how warm he was and how cold she had been feeling. His hands rested on her upper back and he hummed into her ear.

“I don’t know what happened, but if you need anything…” He whispered and she felt tears welling up. Was life that simple? Ask and you shall be given?

“Thank you.” She choked on the words.

Here was a person who was used to touching people, to giving comfort in words and song and movement. She let herself fall into the solace of having another person shield her from the world for just a few seconds.

Lin felt indeed the desperate need to alleviate this sadness, to coax out the smiles he had seen flash through the haze of unhappiness, and he was almost sure he could do it.

“You should let Groffsauce hug you. He gives the most amazing hugs. He’s really…strong.”

Love was the theme, the unheard melody, of this words and Catherina shivered.

“Is that your offering, then?”

Sharp-minded, Lin concluded, musing over how Elena had shoved him in front of that woman, knowing that he would try his best to make her smile, to bring warmth to her and how he, in turn, presented her with his friend like with a stuffed toy. His most precious belonging, the person who made him happy, his very own comfort.

“That’s very generous of you.” She smiled, tears streaming down her face now.

“What are you two whispering about?” another pair of arms was slung around the both of them and they were constricted into a tight group hug that squeezed some of the festering pain of Catherina’s emotional wounds right out of her.

“You’re right. I feel better.” Catherina laughed and the circle broke up.

Elena stood watching her, the colour had come back into her face and her eyes were no longer dull and mournful. She had hoped that Lin could once again achieve the impossible, raise the dead and she would be damned if she gave up on her masterplan now.

“See you tomorrow then.” She chirped, kissing Lin on both cheeks, exchanging a knowing look with Groff and finally leading her friend away, down the streets she knew so well to a place where all her childhood dreams lay buried.

“That poor girl.” Lin sighed and wriggled out of his jacket, throwing it carelessly on a chair while he watched Jonathan switch on the lights.

“Yeah, she’s seen some stuff.” Jonathan agreed, the pain he had himself seen having left an impression upon his heart.

“I don’t want this to upset you.” Lin said and hugged Jonathan from behind, knowing that he would not flinch away, that he knew that Lin was not going to hurt him.

“It does though.” He wouldn’t lie to his friend. Again, he took a deep breath, melting into the embrace, accepting the comfort in it eagerly.

“Look at me.” Lin demanded, tugging at Jon’s sleeve until he faced him.

Searching his eyes, Lin found the echo of sadness, empathy and a warmth he so enjoyed himself. He knew his friend to be someone who helped people, fiercely loyal and brave, Jon was beyond pulling out.

Both of them thought about how the other one may be in too deep or might stretch himself too thin in an effort to help a stranger, but both also knew that they wouldn’t let this woman be miserable by herself.

“Want to watch a movie?” Jonathan asked, growing painfully aware of how Lin’s face was just inches away from his own and fighting the urge to close the gap between them.

“Hmmm…” Lin hummed in the back of his throat, not ready to let go and break the moment.

“Darling…now?” It was meant as a joke, but Jon’s voice was flat and breathless.

“Hmmm.” Lin purred again, lifting his face as if inviting the very kiss Jonathan tried to avoid.

“You’ll be the death of me one day.” Jonathan exclaimed and tore himself away which felt as if he had been literally glued to Lin because now, his skin was aching with longing.

Throwing himself on his couch, Jonathan stared at the blank screen for a few moments before turning on the TV and then staring mindlessly at some rerun of a low-quality TV show.

“Jon…I’m sorry?” Lin knelt next him, letting his head rest on Jon’s shoulder, putting both his hands on his thigh in a try to get his attention.

Jonathan knew that if he was to turn around, he’d see those deep, dark eyes, pleading for forgiveness and he’d feel even more helpless and frustrated than right now. So, he stared right ahead, his eyes burning because he waited, unblinking, for Lin to stop his assault on all of his senses.

He felt him shifting and was torn between relief and an intense sense of loss.

And then, Lin’s lips were pressed against the skin of his temple, his right hand caressing the nape of his neck. “Don’t be angry at me.” He whispered and Jonathan gasped, struggling to stay in control of the situation.

He knew that this was normal, that Lin would try to appease him, that this meant nothing and yet, it meant everything because one of the reasons he could not move on from this impossible crush was the very fact that Lin was so caring and minded his well-being so much.

Jon knew he was loved by this man and even if it wasn’t the “right” kind of love, he was unable to even imagine losing this and that’s how he ended in the purgatory of his own unuttered desires.

“I am not.” He sighed and lifted his gaze.

A single glance at this earnest, sweet face, the five o’clock shadow, the deep, dark eyes expressing concern and contrition, was enough to send shivers down his spine.

“You are a beauty, huh?” He said in a low voice.

“Actually no, I’ve been called magnetic and I am pretty smart”, Lin smirked, “but I don’t think that I’m actually handsome.” He shrugged.

“Then you’re not as smart as you think you are.” Jonathan retorted, also shrugging.

“Well, as this is coming from a clearly, objectively handsome, young man, I bow my thanks.” Lin giggled and bowed his head.

“You’re stupid.” Jonathan laughed and mussed Lin’s hair, that he had seen short and long and had always loved.

“You’re the best thing I could offer her, you know?” Lin then said pensively. “When I saw her sadness, the best thing, the only thing, I could think of to cheer her up, was you.”

“Why?” Jonathan was shocked and flattered and then speechless again.

“You always cheer me up. It makes me feel better when you’re there and you’re caring and warm and…” His voice trailed off as all of his literary talent fled, and he was left shrugging sheepishly. There were no words to explain how this man made him feel and how much it meant to him.

Jonathan didn’t know what to say to this. He turned off the TV again and braced himself for a long night of tossing and turning, knowing full well that all he wanted was just a room away and that it was yet out of his reach. It was exquisitely painful to have Lin here, to share a space with him, to hear him live around him.

Not trusting his voice, he pointed in the general direction of the bathroom, closing his eyes in mute despair as he heard the door fall into the lock behind Lin.

This was going to be a very long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...:)
> 
> Things are heating up nicely and shall go on doing so for quite a bit. Hope you'll bear with me :)


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So another chapter today.  
Learning a little bit more about what happened to Catherina.  
(Also...food lol)

4

Catherina had not slept well. Nonetheless, she got up and went through her morning routine mechanically. Got her work-out clothes on and went to the little room where she’d run for an hour watching the garden come alive.

While she was on the treadmill, Elena came in, her dark locks tousled and her big, moss green eyes blurry with sleep, rolling herself into a ball in the window seat and listening to the rhythmical tapping of Catherina’s steps on the machine.

“So…” she yawned, “you still listen to show tunes every morning?”

“Yes,” Catharina huffed, “it keeps me focused.”

Elena nodded to that and, behind almost closed lids, she observed her friend, covered in sweat, running as if her life depended on it. She knew that Catherina would never be “perfectly” skinny, she had round hips and heavy breasts, but she was fit and toned, and Elena couldn’t help but yearn to touch the slick skin glistening in the early sunlight.

Catherina would never look like the girls in the magazines, yet, Catherina was perfect to her, always had been and probably always would be.

Inspired by her friend, Elena got up and started a session of slow stretching, letting her body unfold and follow the motions she had internalised a long time ago.

Immediately, Catherina changed the background music so her friend could adapt her slow, mindful movements to the music. “Thanks, love.” Elena grinned and then her face smoothed out again in concentration.

They stayed like this for nearly an hour, both musing silently, yet comfortable and comforted in the presence of the other.

“Ready?” Lin beamed at Jonathan who had, as expected, not slept very much and was feeling awfully tired.

“Yeah.” He yawned and Lin bounded up the steps, just to stand frozen in front of the door.

They had known that the woman they had met the day before was probably wealthy; her clothes, her jewellery, her very speech patterns gave that away, but as they saw the mansion in the heart of one of the most expensive cities in the world, they understood that they hadn’t grasped the extent of that wealth.

Lin whispered the name beneath the bell. A name that struck terror in the hearts of people.

A name that had figured on checks as well. Recent checks.

Peering over his shoulder, Jonathan gasped quietly. So, that was the extent of the wealth. And a part of the sadness of that little woman.

He rang the bell, curious now as to what else the woman was hiding in plain sight.

A middle-aged woman, clearly of Hispanic descendance, opened the door and looked at them expectantly.

“Erm, hi, my name is…we are here to see…” Lin realised he only knew the woman’s first name and was unwilling to use the one he had just read a few seconds ago.

“Yes, yes.” She said with a thick accent, lifted a receiver of the wall and spoke.

“_Mija_, there’s two men here. They want to see you, I think”.

“Is it a small Latino guy and a real-life Ken-doll?” Elena came strolling down the stairs in a pair of tight jeans and a green jumper.

“Hi Lena.” Lin greeted and the woman let them pass.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot to tell Dolores we’ll have company.” _I didn’t quite believe they’d come_. Catherina bit back the second part and slipped into an elegant, black dress before going down the stairs.

“Whatever are wearing that for?” laughed Elena and pointed at her formal dress.

She then spun around and gestured towards the casually clothed guests. “They’re not royalty, these times are over, baby.”

Shrugging, Catherina offered her hand to the guests, while Dolores closed the door.

Instead of grasping it, Lin stepped past it and wrapped his arms around her for a short hug.

“So…that’s quite a house, huh?” He said and pretended to stand in some huge cavern, even going to the length of trying to get an echo out of the foyer.

“It’s my parent’s pied-à-terre in New York.” Catherina shrugged again and smiled at Jonathan, who promptly hugged her as well.

“You are in time for breakfast.” Dolores said and disappeared down a corridor.

“Wow…Who’s he?” Jonathan pointed at a portrait of an elderly man, his face stern and his eyes unforgiving, impatient.

“That’s my father.” Catherina nodded to the painting. “He’s died just a few months ago.”

There was something forlorn in her voice, but she didn’t even pretend to be grief-stricken.

“He was an asshole.” Elena grumbled, her hatred of the man unconcealed.

“He was, he was. He was also my father. That’s that.” Catherina shrugged yet again and led the way down the corridor that opened into a spacious kitchen.

Dolores was putting things on trays. “Can I help?” Lin walked up to her and she smiled.

“No child. It’s okay. You go out and have a seat.”

It sounded as if she had sent him in the garden to play, but Lin accepted her pride and crossed the huge sliding-door-panels onto a huge and exquisitely tiled veranda.

“Sorry for your loss.” Jonathan squeezed her hand lightly and Catherina looked up, visibly confused.

“Yes. Thank you. He was already 50 when I was born, so he was indeed an old man.” She had no idea why she told them all that, but somehow it was liberating to tell people the truth of how she felt in this situation.

“He married a widow. My mother died when I was 5 years old, leaving my half-brother an orphan and me in the care of my father. My father was…I’ve loved him, I adored him as a child but soon, I understood, that he wasn’t quite what I expected him to be.

My father,” She realised that she never called him “dad”, “despised women and only married my mother because she was young, beautiful and the mother of a boy already. A healthy, strapping kid. When my mother only bore him a daughter, he closed her heart to her and she ended up dying. At least, that’s what people say.”

Catherina knew that her father had never really loved her, and she didn’t even mind all that much, not after so many years, what she did mind on the other hand was that he had never respected her despite her efforts, her good grades, her competence.

He had only left her his firm, his holdings, his belongings in the bequest after his death.

“So, at 30 years old, I am an orphan. And divorced.” Catherina sighed, having divulged all the reasons for her pain and loneliness.

Jonathan struggled against the horror rising in his chest. He could not understand how someone could be so meek about not being loved or cared for. He looked to Lin and his friend’s face was aflame with anger.

“Breakfast.” Dolores announced, speaking low words to Lin and patting his hand.

“Thank you.” Catherina kissed the cheek of the woman who had been taking care of her for most of her life and whom she loved deeply.

“Miss Lena is here, so I made fresh bread. Eat up children. You could all do with a good hearty meal.” Dolores spoke in her sing-song voice and put a pot of steaming coffee on the marble table on the veranda.

“My family history is a matter for another time. How have you all slept?” Catherina asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this :)


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'll be gone tomorrow, so I give you the next chapter right away.
> 
> I still hope anybody will read this at some point.  
Either way, enjoy some wholesome cuddling in this chapter.

5

Jonathan could not help but laughing helplessly. He had barely slept at all, but he was not about to let the others know about how long he had been lying awake thinking about Lin in the next room, wishing for things that would probably never happen.

“Not very well. It was really cold.” Lin replied in a small voice.

“WHAT? You could have turned the heat on…you should have told me.” Jonathan exclaimed. _I was awake_, he thought but didn’t say it out loud.

“I didn’t want to disturb you.” Lin’s voice grew quieter and quieter by the second.

_Foolish_, thought Elena, _so blind_.

“Disturb me, you fool. If you need anything, if you’re feeling cold…” Guilt made Jonathan’s voice thick and slow like treacle.

“Was it that kind of cold? Or was it the cold of a long, lonely night?” Catherina interjected, having known both of those and while she loved a cold, crisp night, she hated the cold that was born from despair as if your blood ran too slow to ever warm your body up.

“I don’t know.” Lin sighed and rubbed his arms as he remembered the shivering.

Not a heartbeat later, Jonathan had pulled him into his arms, holding and warming him as he would have done the night before and any other God-given moment, if Lin had only asked for it. Resting his head on his friend’s chest, Lin closed his eyes and Catherina longed for her drawing kit. If only she could sketch this very moment, this delicate intimacy that was so heartbreakingly honest and fragile and so free from the vulgarity one half-expected.

“Next time, just knock on my door.”

“Can I sleep in your bed then?” Lin grinned.

Jonathan swallowed hard, imagining Lin’s body in his bed, welcoming the warmth and snuggling up to him. He wouldn’t sleep a wink, but at least it would be a blissful insomnia.

“Not a bad idea.” Elena said between two bites. “I crawled into Reina’s bed as soon as it became clear that worry would not let me sleep a second. It was nice. It was…warm.”

She smiled and Jonathan saw all those things he had theorized about only a second ago in her eyes: the joy, the love, the comfort but also that longing that had only been intensified by this. This kind of yearning was a dangerous flame one harboured inside, often kindled unwittingly by others, even more often burning the edges of the very heart it kept from freezing over.

Her smile changed as she noticed his look and she nodded, unseen by the others and so answered the unspoken question if the comfort and the love had been worth the pining she would have to shush now.

“Did you get an invitation?” Lin asked her seriously.

“Hum…no, I just assume that I’m welcome, I guess.”

Catherina touched her arm tenderly, running her fingers up and down the light skin of her friend.

“And so you are, always have been.” She murmured and hugged Elena to her.

“You can sleep in my bed.” Jonathan’s voice sounded harder than intended and he gave a start when Lin asked him if he was to be in it too.

“There’s a hammock, if you need to catch a bit of beauty sleep.” Catherina pointed at a row of trees in the garden.

She would never have thought that the men would take her up on the offer.

Unable to resist, she dashed into the house to get her sketching supplies and then sat cross-legged on the warm grass, her fingers already smudged in coal and her eyes wild with inspiration.

Elena had drawn up a deckchair and watched her friend work, fascinated and silent.

It was the silence that made a huge impression on her, as these two men were known – not only to Catherina – mainly for their voices, but there was no sound to a drawing.

Catherina started with Jonathan. His bent figure over the hammock, his face displaying the soft tenderness of a mother watching over her new-born and still…not quite.

There was a longing, a hardly dissimulated yearning in those eyes, an attraction too strong to be fought and she tried to convey all this.

Lin was swinging gently in the breeze, while Jon rocked the hammock slowly, rhythmically, while humming a lullaby.

She tried to capture the raw beauty of an exceptional human being without glazing over that bittersweet pain clearly showing in the tiny frown on the fair brow of a man she almost thought of as a friend.

Her hands froze, she had never had many friends and this musing caught her by surprise.

She liked Jonathan, liked how warm and funny he was, liked his smile and his willingness to humour others, but more than anything, she was deeply touched by the vulnerability of this man. She had known men like him, big and strong, handsome and winning, but not one of them had ever been sensitive or vulnerable. It made him precious to her.

As Catherina looked on, furiously drawing, the scene changed, and she dove in.

Lin had opened his eyes, confusion creasing his forehead and then the sun hit his face at the same moment as the recognition hit his mind.

She desperately wanted to render this very moment immortal, the pure, unadulterated joy of seeing Jonathan as the first thing after waking up, the affection washing away the last shreds of sleep that had clouded his mind and that breath-taking smile of welcome.

Elena laid her hand on her neck, forcing her to look up.

“It’s beautiful. You’re crying.” She breathed in a low voice, caressing her friend.

Impatient, Catherina wiped away the tears and went back to filling in the missing pieces, arms and legs, bodies so fiercely alive though static.

“Come here.” Lin murmured and scooted over, almost toppling over in the hammock.

“That’s not enough space for the both of us.” Jonathan replied, already feeling sorry for himself one way or another.

“But I’m cold.”

What could a man do?

So, Jonathan did climb – heroically – into the hammock, holding Lin now in his left arm and looking up at a beautiful clear sky only partly obstructed by the trees.

Lin had turned on his side, his arm thrown around his friend, his head resting on his chest.

He knew the rhythm of Jon’s breathing, the melody of his heartbeat and was strangely comforted by this lullaby of sorts.

“Isn’t that better?” he mumbled sleepily.

Jonathan could only grunt because yes, this was better, better than tossing and turning alone in his own bed, better than anything he could think of in this moment, this felt like home and heaven and he forced himself to just savour this moment and think about the consequences later.

Catherina had started to sketch this scene as well when her phone rang.

It was her brother, asking her to come over to his house to sign a few papers.

Sighing she agreed to fly over this very evening, torn between the relief of having a few hours to herself to think things over and the anxiety of leaving this peaceful environment that had lifted the fog of her misery since the day before.

“I’m off to see Cal. I…have things to do. Papers to sign.” She declared as she stepped back into the garden and met Elena’s searching gaze with a calm demeanour.

“We’re starting rehearsals tomorrow. Will you be back tomorrow?” Elena asked and hated herself for sounding so needy.

“Yeah sure, I’ll be back.” Catherina smiled, reassuringly she hoped.

“Nice, want to have dinner at my place?”, then, turning to the men, “Do you also want to come? Nice Puerto Rican food and some music?”

“Sure thing!” Lin exclaimed and Catherina’s heart felt a world lighter. She would see them again, she would have a place to come home to, people to come home to.

“Did you know that Reina has named dogs after you? Does your brother still have them?” Elena then said and Catherina blushed a dark red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, see you Sunday I guess <3


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back? Yes, it's only me :)
> 
> So today...it's dogs and questions

“He does.” Catherina admitted feebly. She was very much looking forward to seeing the two rascals.

“Dogs?” Lin jumped up, getting his foot stuck in the hammock, overturning the whole thing and sending both him and Jonathan sprawling to the ground.

With an exclamation of alarm, Catherina rushed towards them.

“It’s okay. We’re uninjured. Damn you, Lin.” Jonathan put both his – pretty muddy – hands up to show that nothing had happened and then repeated Lin’s question, while pulling the other man up.

“I … There was an event for a shelter … And sometimes, dogs get better chances when named after celebrities.” Catherina spoke and shrugged at the same time.

“And she had her heart set on those so Cal took them in.” Elena nodded.

“What kind of dogs would that be?” Lin, looking quite like a puppy himself, moved towards her, so Catherina quickly closed her sketchbook and held it behind her back.

“I’ll send you a pic.” She smiled, turned on her heels and almost ran into the house.

Panting, she threw her sketchbook in the suitcase and piled random items of clothing on top.

It didn’t matter. Cal was her brother, he wouldn’t mind.

She was trembling all over and had to sit down for a minute. All of this was…intense.

Her whole adult life had been a long stretch of waiting and smiling, a never-ending stagnation and suddenly, there were people around her, people who lived and loved and laughed and asked questions and fell out of hammocks and…

Mind swimming, overwhelmed, Catherina took a few deep breaths and steeled herself before going back down.

“Oh Miranda, I think they’re down to Miranda, is a Spaniel. Tan and black with soulful eyes. He’s getting into all kinds of mischief. Groff is some kind of retriever mix if I remember correctly. Beautiful beast, good-natured and of course, always Miranda’s partner in crime. They ate some pretty expensive furniture and shoes.” Elena was laughing.

“Sounds quite like us. Except that we don’t actually destroy stuff by eating it.” Lin laughed.

Outside the door, Catherina fought against the immense feeling of shame, of being found out, exposed.

“Don’t bring it up again though. It was mean of me to tell you.”

Elena sounded remorseful but both men protested by saying that they’d love to meet those dogs and that they felt honoured that their lending their names to pets could help those animals to find a good home.

“So yeah, I’ll head to the airport in a bit. You may stay as long as you want of course.”

Catherina walked in and tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but her voice broke a little towards the end.

“I’m sorry I told them. You will come back soon, won’t you? You have been away far too long.” Elena flooded the room with words and Jonathan could but admire her for being that forward when he, having been in the exact same situation many times before, could only smile bravely and wish his friend a good flight.

“Yeah, it’s only some papers and I guess, he wants to check on me. I’ll be back by tomorrow evening.” Catherina paused.

“And then we’ll all have dinner together and you’ll show us pics of us in dog form, yes? And that drawing you made?” Lin stepped very close to her, touching her arm softly.

“Hmmm, this might be the first time someone else than Elena even asked about my being somewhere, let alone care.” She said, not answering the questions.

“Get used to it. Safe flight. Let us know when you’re landed. If you need anything, call!”

He sounded like a little mother and Catherina fought back the tears burning in the back of her throat and eyes.

“Yeah, what he said. Keep us posted.” Jonathan added and touched her arm as well.

They carried her suitcase to the cab and hugged her tightly goodbye.

“I’ll miss you.” Elena simply said before pressing her lips upon her friend’s.

“Yeah me too.” Catherina admitted, hugging her a little longer and returning the kiss with a tenderness that was somehow reserved for Elena.

And then she was off, she had taken cabs a million times, all over the world, but this time, it felt different. It was at the same time sadder and less sad because for the first time, she had something close to a home to miss and to come back to.

Leaning her head against the window, she remembered the smiles, the laughter and the gentle mockery that had entered her life and she realised that she never wanted to go back to the way things had been before.

Insane how one single day, a span of 24 hours, could change your whole life.

She thought about all the sad movie scenes and songs she knew while waiting in line to board her plane, smiling wistfully and toying with her phone.

“Miss you already.” She typed slowly, erased it, typed it in again and sent it.

Seconds later, she got a picture of Elena in her ballet studio, covered in sweat and smiling broadly.

Catherina was eager to return but first, she had to work on her secret project.

“I really want to see that drawing.” Lin bickered and looked at Jonathan with pleading eyes as if his friend could make the said drawing appear magically.

“I know baby.” Jonathan took the pizza they had ordered out of the oven where it had been reheated.

“You really should be drawn more often.” – “No, Lin, I should not, why should I?”

Lin shrugged and waved at Jonathan. In his humble opinion, the beauty and the warmth of this man was too much to be limited by the lifespan of a human. He should hang in every gallery of the world so as to never be forgotten.

Slightly blushing, Jonathan shoved the pizza over to his friend who dug in hungrily. It was good to see him eat, Jonathan thought, way too often he forgot eating or sleeping and then Lin would run on caffeine and dreams alone.

“I really wonder what that drawing is like.”

Jonathan was a little afraid of it, because he didn’t know how good Catherina was. In the best of cases, she had just produced a superficial study of their appearance, a stiff portrait of faces she found pleasing or interesting…but from what he knew about her, from what he had learned until now, he concluded that it had never been their faces that had fascinated her.

He was afraid that she had seen and put onto paper what was really inside of him, he was terrified of this idea, of people seeing and knowing how he felt about things and people, of people mocking – or even worse – pitying him for it.

“She did that portrait of her father, you know?” Lin went on, oblivious.

Jonathan remembered the cold eyes, the stern brow, the indifference, the disapproval, the disgust in the man’s demeanour. The painting clearly showed the man he had been, a rich man, a hard man and Jonathan wavered between curiosity and dread when thinking about that sketch Lin so desperately wanted to see.

“Yeah well, we’ll see.” He said in a non-committing way and finished his slice of pizza.

They watched a movie, Lin snug against his ribs, almost cradled in his arms until he was too sleepy to even keep his eyes open.

“To bed with you.” Jonathan laughed, a laugh that died in his throat as Lin’s gaze darted to the bedroom door.

“Keep your word?” Lin asked in a small voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this.  
thanks for the Kudos, dear reader, if you're still with me. It made me insanely happy :)))


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Sunday and here's a brand-new chapter (not so new for me because I've written it some days ago...)
> 
> I'd say that "thawing" would be a good description for this one.
> 
> Stay with me :)

“My word?” Jonathan wished he didn’t sound so very flustered saying this.

He knew exactly what Lin was alluding to, but he didn’t know what to say. Then, he remembered Elena and her nod, so he nodded too, slowly, deliberately.

“Nice.” Lin bounded into the bathroom, brushed his teeth and got ready for bed.

Strange how perfect his toothbrush looks just next to mine, single hairs dancing around on the sink, a sock that wasn’t his half-shoved under the bathroom cabinet.

_Jesus, I’m going soft in the head_, Jonathan thought, disgusted with himself and brushed his teeth so violently that he tasted blood in his mouth.

He was not ready for this, maybe would never be, but he couldn’t stay holed up in his bathroom forever either.

Steadying his nerves, he stepped out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. He had not changed his sheets, he had forgotten, he should have changed those damned sheets.

“Why so glum?” Lin sat up in the bed, in HIS bed, topless, hair already tousled.

“Ah, I just thought I should have changed the sheets…” Jonathan murmured, unsure if he wanted to do that now, as he would have to lift the blanket off and then he’d see Lin…

He had seen that man undressed so many times, but this was different, this was his apartment, it was his bedroom, it was his bed.

“Nah! I like it, I love the way you smell. It comforts me. You know, that shirt you thought you’d lost? I stole it, took it with me to different places just to feel less alone and heartbroken when I wasn’t home.”

Jonathan swallowed. So that’s where his clothes went. To hotels all over the states, all over the world and he was touched deep within his soul.

“I’d have loved to have that grey sweater. But…I am not a filthy thief.” He tried to make light of this revelation that resonated in his chest and heart like a long-forgotten song.

“You could snatch it off me at any time.” Lin cocked one single eyebrow, but his gaze was earnest and soft.

Then, all teasing gone, Lin went on: “Are you angry, Groffsauce? Jonathan? Are you…Do you mind? I didn’t mean to steal. I can give it back. I still have it. It’s…in my suitcase to be honest.”

Jonathan shivered. “No, I am not angry. You could have asked though. And yes, how about this? I’ll trade you that stolen shirt for another one. Anyone you’d like?”

The smile he reaped for that was so dazzling that he felt himself sway slightly. Lin’s hand rose and his finger pointed at the black shirt Jonathan was still wearing.

“Shall I wash it for you?” Indignation met this – to Lin at least – ludicrous proposal, so Jonathan slipped out of his shirt and handed it to Lin.

He bounded out of the bed, grabbing the shirt and exchanging it with another crumpled shirt that he had neatly stashed in a bag in his suitcase.

“Thank you Groffsauce.” He beamed, kissing Jonathan lightly on the cheek in passing.

_Hell_…Jonathan thougt, _that man had stripped down to his underwear and now stood unashamed in his bedroom smiling like an angel_.

“Come to bed now?” Lin patted the mattress as if it were his.

“In a moment.” Jonathan replied evasively, trying desperately to calm his nerves amongst other things before he could get rid of his pants in front of another person.

While he counted to 100, Lin was toying with his phone, smiling at the screen.

“Catherina has arrived in Washington at her brother’s. She says she’s fine and that she’s thankful for us having been so nice and all.”

And then Lin lifted his phone, obviously recording himself telling Catherina how he was about to go to bed and how Jonathan did not want to get undressed and how he had snatched up another shirt. He was bubbly, effervescent, joyous.

As he turned the camera on Jonathan, he smiled encouragingly.

“Hey Catherina. Glad you’ve arrived safely. We’ll see you tomorrow? Can’t wait. And what’s that about thanking us? Like…you’re a nice person and good company. Take care, be safe. Let us know if you need anything.”

Lin sent the video and they waited for a reply in their respective positions.

“You have no idea what this means to me. I was about to embarrass myself at my brother’s house by playing recordings of musicals and TV shows all through the night just to miss you less. Good night J”

“She seems to like us.” Lin exclaimed gleefully and Jonathan shook his head in disbelief. How could anybody not like him?

“Come to bed, Groffsauce. I will not bite you or anything. I promise.”

Aware that this was becoming increasingly ridiculous, Jonathan hit the light-switch, practically jumped out of his pants and shuffled into bed.

“NO FAIR.” grumbled Lin, disgruntled, behind him.

“You’re cute though.” He then added and slung his arm around Jonathan’s waist.

Long nights of happiness. Not the right happiness but happiness nonetheless, Jonathan told himself and stared at the wall.

Catherina was crying on the phone. It was a good, healthy crying. A crying of joy and relief.

“Can’t believe it. You’re sure he was in a bed? Didn’t think Groff would have the balls.” Elena sighed on the other end, reaching across her empty bed and missing Catherina by her side.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I just…I feel…” Catherina didn’t find the words.

“I know what you mean. They have that effect on people. It’s good for you. Your dad, Jeff, they were your world but they’re not THE world, you know? People are not like them.

God, I miss you like crazy. I feel like I’ve finally got you back and now you’re gone again.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow. Actually, I can’t wait to be back. Miranda and Groff, the dogs, say hello.” Catherina replied, raking her fingers through the fur of the two dogs alternatively.

“So what’s all this about? What is so important that Cal couldn’t wait?”

Catherina was not ready to tell her yet, so she replied with a vague “business” and Elena, who knew when Catherina didn’t want to go any further in her explanation, let it go.

She had met Caleb only a few times in her life and she actually liked him, he was a nice man, the brother Catherina had missed for so many years because her father didn’t want anything to do with his wife’s son from her first marriage.

It had taken years for Catherina to act against the wishes of her father, seeing her brother, making donations in the name of her father to help people and to spite him and so many other little things that had made her the woman she now was.

After her father’s death, she had named her half-brother as her right-hand-man when it came to business and that alone allowed her to take some time off to process all that had happened this last few months.

“Tell Cal hi from me. Have you told him about the guys?”

Catherina chuckled; a sound that had become so rare that hearing it made Elena tear up immediately. “Yeah, I told him. He called me a “lucky bastard” and sighed about a hook-nosed Latino and a thick-boned farm boy for the best part of an hour.”

The shrug she could almost hear through the phone warmed Elena’s heart, Catherina had never been actually intensely interested in men and she had hoped that would never change and then…she had gotten married and now everything was blurred and she no longer knew where her best friend and life-long crush stood when it came to dating.

“Your father would turn over in his grave.” Elena teased.

“I had his coffin handmade for that exact purpose. It has a rounded bottom.” Catherina shot back and smiled as she noticed that her sharp wit was slowly coming back and that smiling no longer hurt quite as bad as before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly getting somewhere. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this...stay with me :)


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many forms of love and new ventures today.
> 
> Enjoy

8

“You are sure? You really want to do this? It goes against his every wish, against his very nature.” Caleb looked at his sister, for to him, Catherina could not have been any more his sister if they had had the same father and had grown up together.

“I need to do this, Cal. His blood is my blood. His name is my name. I need to make it right.”

He understood. Her father had been a tyrant and a monster, and she was none of these things. Sweet Catherina, who loved people from afar and who’d spent her life trying to help other people bear their plight.

She was sharp as a razor, very much her father’s daughter in that regard, but his cruelty and hate had not been transmitted neither by genes nor by upbringing.

“Groff, get off my sister, please.”

The huge dog stopped trying to climb on Catherina’s lap and whined miserably as if he’d never be caressed again.

“Let them be.” Catherina scolded, scooped both pooches up and balanced them precariously on her lap.

Yes, Caleb thought, his sister was unlike anybody he had ever known, and he loved her desperately for it.

“I’ll drive over to you in the coming week, want me to bring the terrors?”

As if to show how well behaved they could be, both dogs leapt down and settled on the floor, looking at the siblings with an almost angelic innocence.

“Oh yes, please do.” Catherina cried out gleefully.

It had been a long time since Cal had last heard that voice and he shuddered with relief. Then he realised that Catherina had dismissed giving away millions of dollars and was now focussed on the dogs.

She snapped a pic of Miranda lying with his head propped up on Groff’s left paw while the right paw of the bigger dog rested lightly on the back of his friend.

“Trade me one?” She typed into the phone, knowing that Elena would giggle upon receiving the picture.

“Yes, bring the dogs, bring the papers. Come to the house.”

“Oh Cat, no, please. I was never welcome…”

“Come to the house. It is MY house. MY home. And I need you in it, if only for a few days? Please Cal.” Catherina pleaded.

“You really are hell-bent on chasing out every last ounce of the very essence of your father, aren’t you?” Cal studied her calmly, looking for signs of agitation or despair in his sister, but all he could discern was a deep calm and a steady smile.

“Am I?” Catherina seemed to think about that. “No, I just want to do all the things he would have done if he had been less of a stubborn, old miser.”

Caleb knew very well that her father would never have done what she was intending to do now but he didn’t have the heart to tell his sister so. The man was dead and as his only child, Catherina had the right to some idealisation and some illusions when it came to her only parent.

Elena laughed indeed before running through the theatre in search of the human equivalents of the lovely creatures that filled her whole screen.

“Awww, they’re just like us.” Lin screeched, throwing his arms around Jonathan who bore the assault with an indulgent smile.

Elena sent that picture back to Catherina, equally knowing how much it would brighten her friend’s day.

Something was up with these two, she thought but then duty called, and she decided to postpone her curiosity until after the rehearsals, mentally rubbing her hands in anticipation.

It was cruel, but somehow, she felt comforted by no longer being alone in this terribly awkward situation.

Jonathan disentangled himself from Lin, slowly, carefully.

“What is it?” Lin asked, but he thought he knew what it was.

He had had a nightmare, it was a silly thing, but when he had awoken, Jonathan had already switched on a small lamp on the bedside table and was caressing his hair, murmuring pleasant nonsense.

Maybe he had drooled, maybe he had had terrible breath, or maybe, just maybe it had been his crying out of Jonathan’s name.

Jonathan had held him tight, rocking him slowly and asking if Lin had nightmares about him often. Lin had of course assured him that he didn’t have nightmares about him. What an idea…How could a dream Jonathan Groff was in be a nightmare?

“But…you said my name. It was the first, the only thing you said after waking up.” Jonathan had sounded puzzled.

“Yeah, I do that.” Lin had shrugged, a little ashamed of an incident that usually happens to children and not to grown men.

“Alright, go back to sleep.” Jonathan had murmured, still caressing Lin’s hair and planting soft kisses on his forehead as if he was his child…or his lover.

“I am sorry for my behaviour.” The vehemence in Lin’s statement made his voice rise a bit and Jonathan looked up, alarmed.

“You…your what?” – “Screeching and waking you up. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

Sighing, Jonathan slung both his arms around Lin and murmured: “As I told you, disturb me any time you want. I’m not mad and you cannot possibly apologize for something you had no control over. I…I was just…”

He scrambled for words; how could he explain how this nightmare had shaken him? How it had shattered his heart to see Lin this frightened and confused? How could he make Lin understand without being too obvious? He could as well just scream his infatuation through the streets.

“You were good to me. Thank you.” Lin said after a while, understanding that Jonathan would not finish his sentence.

“Oh Lin. I was worried, but I’ll always have your back, okay?”

Lin leaned his head against his chest and gave him a warm hug, a cuddle that calmed the raging storm of anxiety that had darkened his mood all day long.

“It was just a stupid dream. I can’t even remember. I do remember you consoling and cradling me though. That was nice. Definitely worth having a nightmare.” Lin smiled and was – once again – bouncing away to find something to do, to write, to marvel at.

Jonathan remembered as well, remembered kissing and caressing Lin long after he had fallen asleep, remembered the weakness he had allowed himself to wallow in, remembered the guilt of taking advantage of a sleeping man ever so slightly…and he remembered the smile and the sleepy sigh, his name, that pierced his heart to its very bottom.

“Bye, I’ll call you before I turn up at your doorstep, alright?” Caleb kissed his sister on the cheek and sighed in relief as he watched her walk briskly towards her gate.

She looked better, happier, healthier and he thanked God and whatever angelic intervention had been granted to her.

He couldn’t wait to be a part of that new life she was building for herself, for all those around her and for the generations to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this.
> 
> English is my 5th language and I haven't reread this, so if it's riddled with mistakes and utter rubbish, please forgive me :)
> 
> I really hope you stay with me :)


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, from my workplace, I give you chapter 9 and Elena's parents.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this as well :)

9

At the airport, Catherina felt elated for the first time in years. Everything went according to plan, nay, even better and she smirked to herself as an idea came to her.

2 hours until her departure, enough time to make preparations and finish her sketch.

The man in livery was holding up a delicate sign with her name on it.

“Milady sends her regards. She shall join you for dinner promptly.” He said in a stiff accent as he led the three people to the limousine.

“She’s insane.” Elena laughed, seeing the huge car.

“Milady trusts you had a good rehearsal and wants to hear all about it. These are for you.” He handed her a bouquet of lilies and smiled gently.

“She sent a limousine? To pick us up? From rehearsal?” Jonathan scratched his head and shrugged. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s courting us. At least one of us and I’m out.”

His eyes met Elena’s and the same shadow passed through both their minds. If it was Lin a lot of people would end up heartbroken.

“Well Milady told me to pick up Miss Elena and not to forget two unnamed male guests.” The chauffeur said helpfully, and Elena couldn’t help squealing at this.

“Flowers and a car. She’s a real gentleman.” She snickered and got in.

It was quite a drive to the outskirts of the city and Elena felt the need to explain: “My parents are not actually rich. I’m sorry.”

Both guffawed. They didn’t care. They had not been raised in pomp either.

Just as they arrived by the front door, a shabby cab drew up and a dishevelled Catherina climbed out, dragging her suitcase behind her.

“Oh you come in a small cab? And we get a limo?” Elena laughed, hugging and kissing her friend who just tossed dollar bills blindly at the cab driver because she couldn’t see anything through Elena’s thick locks.

“Jesus Mary and Joseph. What a greeting.” Catherina laughed as the cab drew away and both men hugged her warmly.

“Children! Come in, it’s cold.” A voice was heard behind them and Catherina dropped her suitcase to run into the arms of the woman standing in the doorway.

“_Mija_…Oh baby, you poor baby. Come here.” The woman murmured and Catherina let the tears flow freely, pressed against this motherly bosom, warm and safe.

“What have they done to you? Oh baby.” The woman went on and on, rubbing her back with her strong hands.

Elena had told them how she had climbed through windows to see Catherina, but she hadn’t recounted all the times she had brought her friend to the small house where her family lived. Her mother, Luz, called Lulu by friends and family, did remember though. She remembered that little girl, shy and insecure, crying herself to sleep on rainy afternoons and she recalled the money she had brought after having sold one of the lovely toys her nanny had given her in the name of her father in order to pay for her son’s surgery.

Catherina had ever been an orphan, the older woman knew and so she had claimed her. Since she had known the girl, she had felt a tinge of guilt about it, but she had mentally adopted the kid because she was in need of a mother and Lulu couldn’t close her heart to someone this fragile.

“I missed you, small one. Don’t cry, hush, don’t cry. I’m here.” She cooed at Catherina and stretched her hand out behind her back.

“You must be the songbirds Elena told me about. Hmmm, fine specimen of a Latino. Yours?” She let her gaze sweep along Lin’s whole figure and pinpointed it then on Jonathan.

“Ahh…well…I wish.” Jonathan instinctively knew that there was no way in heaven or in hell he could avoid the piercing eyes of this matron who knew much more than she should.

“Completely.” Lin replied in Spanish, smiling warmly.

“Thought so.” Lulu nodded and ushered them into the house.

A man showed up in the living room door, exclaiming loudly and kissing both girls profusely on the cheeks.

“Oh dad, come on.” Elena giggled, but Catherina let herself be held and hugged.

“Huh…Lena is bringing home guys.” The man then laughingly said.

“Dad…You know it’s not like that.” Elena expostulated, reddening.

“To each their own…date. Huh, baby?” The man replied and was shooed back into the kitchen to help bring out plates of food.

“My parents!” Elena looked apologetic.

“Will I have to have a conversation with that husband of yours?” Elena’s father asked while putting the plates down and looked earnestly at Catherina.

“No, he’s as much a victim of circumstances as I am. He didn’t want all of this and he was very gracious during the divorce.” Catherina gave back calmly and felt comforted by the readiness with which this father would have done what her own never could have.

“Hey, aren’t these the guys from that thing you went to see two weeks in a row?” He then followed up, scrutinizing Lin and Jonathan.

“You came twice?” Lin asked, weirdly flattered.

“Twice. HAH! They came every day the show ran and the days it didn’t, they sat here singing and stuff.” Elena’s father exclaimed, making the two women blush furiously.

“Did you indeed?” Lin cocked one eyebrow, grinning.

“Yes, we did. Yes, that’s them, papa. Talent has no gender” Elena rolled her eyes.

“Thought so. Lulu made the bananas for you, dig in, child.” He chewed happily, dishing out food and witticisms.

“When did you come then?” Lin asked between two bites.

“Hmmm, at the beginning on Broadway I’d say. Catherina was here for two weeks, so we went to see shows. Sometimes more than one in a day.” Elena said thoughtfully.

“Oh yeah, that was when Jeff was on holiday with Christelle.” Catherina added.

“Who’s that?” Lin asked and Jonathan could see in Catherina’s eyes that his curiosity perplexed her and made her slightly uncomfortable.  
“The woman he would have married if my father hadn’t talked him into marrying me. Poor man. So he married a woman he didn’t love in hopes to get half of the empire of her father and in the end, he only lost half of his own and didn’t get anything out of it.” Catherina sighed heavily, she still felt guilty for the way her father had played everybody.

She read outrage in the eyes of her friends and reassured them quickly of the fact that she had never minded and wished her ex-husband all the happiness in the world for he had also lost 6 years of his life with someone he liked and respected but didn’t love.

“Well, marry a Puerto Rican and your days will be happy ones.” Lulu smiled into the round and earned rolling eyes from Elena and a nod from Lin.

“Well, I’m sorry to say that women, Puerto Rican or otherwise, were never my field of expertise.” Jonathan blurted out and regretted it immediately. Why would he say such an offensive thing in the presence of the parents of a WOMAN he was friends with? He could have kicked himself.

“Nobody ever talked about a woman, son.” Lulu replied patiently.

“Well, Ricky Martin is not painful to look at.” Jonathan shrugged, patting himself mentally on the back for this clever comeback.

“What about you, darling?” Lulu then asked Lin, who admitted being married with kids.

“Traditional.” He said lamely, wanting to explain that he liked and respected his wife, that she was great with the kids, that he loved spending time with her, that he trusted her, but it all sounded so weak and almost like an excuse even inside his own head, so he stopped at that.

Nevertheless, as he looked into the eyes of Elena’s mother, he saw that she understood exactly and that she knew that whatever he felt for his wife and whatever he felt for Jonathan were not mutually exclusive. Both existed and tore him apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading this regularly and you enjoy it, consider maybe leaving a comment or a kudos if you can do that in good conscience...just so I know that someone actually enjoys it...
> 
> Feeling a bit low in confidence today :/


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs and truths...and drawings
> 
> Small interlude of home life...
> 
> Enjoy

10.

“Well, you have a rather…less strict point of view on this than I would have anticipated.” Jonathan admitted.

“Why? Because we’re old? Immigrants? Catholics?” Lulu asked pointedly.

“No…parents, I guess.” And not everybody would take a blunder such as his with such equanimity.

“That’s right, my boy. The Lord has granted us three beautiful children and if any one of them came home with their special someone and told me that they loved and were loved, I’d thank God and be content. Elena says talent has no gender. Neither has love.

I wouldn’t care for gender, origin, religion, economic status or whatnot. If one of my babies tells me that this is the person their heart beats for, the person that holds them when they cry, the person they call for when they’re scared, the person who makes them laugh, then I couldn’t care less if it’s a man or a woman. I have raised my children right, I have taught them to respect all people and love with all their heart and if they do so and their love is returned in full, what more can I expect as a mother, as a Christian, as a person? Nothing. That’s how I see it and if anyone dares disagree with me, that someone will be slapped with every piece of footwear I own.”

Lulu was flushed with righteous anger and both Elena and Catherina pressed their foreheads against the hands of the elderly woman, a gesture of respect and devotion.

“I bow to you, ma’am.” Jonathan’s voice was small like a child’s, ready to break.

“Oh baby boy, it’s a cold, dark world out there sometimes.” Lulu reached over the table and stroked his hair tenderly.

“Also, you fall in love with a person, not with their genitals, right?” Her husband winked at his daughter who was – he thought – sometimes too drastic in her views.

“You’re right.” Catherina confirmed and thought about her marital relations and how being normal and traditional didn’t measure up to being loved and cared for.

There was a long silence during which everybody seemed to ponder what had been said. Lulu loved her children, loved Catherina and she knew that Catherina at least had never been happy in her marriage even though it was “perfect” as people often said.

All she wanted for other people was to feel fulfilled and she was blessed herself to have found a man she loved and she was happy with but if other people had that feeling when they were with people of the same gender or another culture, who was to tell them that they did not deserve the same kind of happiness and peace?

Lin pondered this as well. Here before him, sat a traditional couple such as he and his wife tried to be and still, the looks they exchanged, the smiles, made him think of Jonathan more than of his wife. The old man was right and he was a coward because he had always known that it was so, but he had danced around the edges of that truth, too scared to plunge into the heart of a volcano he would never escape from.

“That was quite enough of sad talk.” Lulu then announced, once the table was cleared.

She put on the radio and wheeled the table aside, explaining that they had had the table on wheels ever since Elena had turned 9.

Wine from home circulated and a random selection of pop songs, show tunes and folklore was playing in the background unobtrusively.

Catherina had a good soprano voice, as they came to discover soon afterwards as she sang along to heart-wrenching love songs that somehow always seemed sung to Elena.

Everybody with the exception of Jonathan seemed to speak fluent Spanish which irked him a bit, especially when Elena turned the volume up to perform “Despacito”, backed up by Lin.

“Sweet Mother of Christ.” Her father exclaimed, threw his arms in the air and left the room.

Elena had pushed Catherina into an armchair and was breathing the lines into her ear as if pouring sweet wine into a cup.

Looking up, Jonathan saw Lin look at him intently, singing about turning his body into a manuscript and by Jove, Jonathan was in on it. He knew how amazing Lin’s writing was and he wouldn’t protest if his skin was to be the support for such poetry.

The music faded into another song, a slow ballad that Catherina sang in a low, soulful tone.

Everybody was drawing nearer again now, and Lin translated bits and pieces into Jonathan’s ear. It was a song about a deep love, a forbidden love, a complete love.

“I will love you in a way that’s not allowed. I will love you in a way nobody’s ever known. I will love you.” Lin murmured, captured by the performance, feeling the truth of the words inside his very soul.

“Ah my child.” Lulu wiped away a single tear and hugged Catherina to her heart.

Loosened up by wine and music, Jonathan took the stage and Catherina decided to do another set of sketches.

She did not draw Jonathan, she drew Lin. Standing beside a wall without touching it, his face was upturned and radiant, his eyes huge and focussed upon a point beyond the borders of the drawing. Honest in his joy, he did nothing to hide his warm admiration, his exultation or his undeniable love. His eyes shone like midnight suns from a soft, relaxed but attentive face. Catherina lost herself in the strokes of her pencil, in the half-smile speaking of possession, of pride, of wordless devotion. He looked like the paintings of saints she had most loved during her travels, those who had been clearly mortal and who looked upon an angel with welcoming love rather than fear or submission.

This was indeed the way people were supposed to meet wonders and speak prayers: eyes wide open and open-hearted.

Then Lin could be convinced to sing another Spanish ballad.

Jonathan fled to the kitchen under the pretence of getting another glass of wine even though he had had quite enough of it already. Just the way Lin had stared at him had turned his insides to jelly or rather to rock. He couldn’t face him now, couldn’t see him sing about love in this language that was so much his and that Jonathan rarely ever heard him speak.

It would tear holes in his defences, carefully built up, that he was unsure he could ever mend again.

But then again, it physically pained him to hear Lin sing and not see his beautiful face.

Catherina whipped the page around and started on the counterpart of her drawing.

Jonathan was different. He leaned heavily against the doorframe as if he’d have fallen otherwise, his face closed and guarded, his mouth a thin line speaking volumes about suppressed emotions and words unspoken. As a matter of fact, there was pain in the setting of his chin and the clenching of his jaw, biting down on things beyond his control; but his eyes, oh those eyes, were oceans of feeling. Once again, the element on the forefront was longing, a desperate yearning, a want, a need so dark and deep that it sent storm clouds upon the calm sea of the man’s gaze. If Lin looked like a saint, Jonathan looked like a martyr. Both were holy but while the first was the receiver and bearer of good news, the second was a dignified onlooker upon happiness denied to him.

Catherina realised that she would have to show them at least this couple of paintings, if only to show them what they clearly couldn’t recognize or acknowledge in one another. Through Jonathan’s bearing one could discover that he assumed a distance between them that Lin’s demeanour denied utterly.

As a person who’s always only loved people from afar, Catherina was very familiar with the illusion that people were more distant and distanced than they really were and she also knew the pain that such a misjudgement could entail far too well.

“You’ll have to show them those. They’re not yours to keep.” Elena whispered over her shoulder and Catherina nodded, she had been right; these were no longer hers, maybe never had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd still be extremely happy to find comments or kudos or any other sign of life from you, dear readers...
> 
> Lots of love <3


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jealousy and the nagging feeling to be falling short

11

“Ricky Martin, yeah? Ricky fucking Martin?” Lin slammed the door shut as if it was his apartment and not Jonathan’s.

“What?”

Everything was a blur, he had definitely had too much wine and Jonathan was bone-tired but he tried to focus on what Lin was saying through the haze of the booze and the fatigue.

“Ricky Martin.” Lin repeated slowly as if talking to a mentally impaired child.

“Never met him. What about him?” Jonathan yawned, shrugged out of his shirt and let it fall to the floor.

Lin was sputtering, he was, himself, not entirely sure why this detail had stuck with him so much but somewhere between Elena’s house and Jon’s apartment, sometime during the cab drive, it had begun nagging at the back of his mind and by now, he was somehow angry and more than just a little irrationally hurt.

“You said he was good-looking.” God, he sounded just like a pouting child.

“If I remember correctly, I said something along the lines of him not being hard on the eye. From there to good-looking is still quite a step.” Jonathan mumbled sleepily, threw off his pants and let them join his shirt.

Then he turned around and realised that Lin was actually miffed.

“Are you…jealous?” He asked incredulously.

“Maybe.” Lin snapped back, tearing his own clothes off and storming into the bathroom, again, as if he owned the whole place.

“Wait up.” Suddenly wide awake, Jonathan followed him and seeing Lin brush his teeth erratically, he decided to do the same and to pick up the questioning later.

“So? What’s going on?” He asked as Lin slipped into bed, HIS bed, apparently not angry enough to sleep on the couch.

“Ricky Martin, yeah?” Lin sniffed in a low voice, turning to the wall.

“Yeah, you said that a few times now. What about Ricky fucking Martin? He’s a dude. Whatever. As I said, never met him. Never will. Don’t care. Don’t want to. What’s with your obsession with him all of a sudden?” Jonathan rubbed Lin’s shoulder, trying to coax him into turning around and facing him.

“You said…” Lin started, but Jonathan interrupted him impatiently: “Yes, I did. I think that he’s not the worst looking guy on earth, so what? I told YOU time and time again that you’re gorgeous. You’re beautiful, inside and out. You’re marvellous.”

“You didn’t. Well, not really. Like…I’m well aware not I am NOT Ricky Martin.” Lin muttered.

“Go home Miranda, you’re drunk. I’ve told you and I meant it. It’s not my problem if you don’t believe me. Fuck Ricky Martin. For all I care he can sell toilet brushes for the rest of his life. I don’t CARE. Sweet Jesus, Lin, I DO care for you. You know I do. And what gives you the right to be jealous? I made an off-hand comment about some random dude. YOU’RE MARRIED!”

Too much, too soon, Jonathan tried to rein himself in, but the words just came pouring out.

“You are fucking insane, man. I don’t give a fuck about Ricky Martin. I don’t let Ricky Martin live in my apartment, use my bathroom, steal my clothes…”

“I’m sorry. It just…” Lin had calmed down and felt awful upon seeing the wild expression on Jonathan’s face. “It’s just that I am nothing like those guys…”

“Oh come on, Miranda. They have nothing on you. And of course, I am your typical Hollywood beau, is that it?” Jonathan’s anger had not cooled, and he felt the steam rising from his head.

“You kind of are. With that face…”

Jonathan grabbed him by the shoulders and actually shook him a few times.

“I am NOT. And rest assured, we all share the same doubts about ourselves. You, my friend, are gorgeous and you’ll always be one of – if not THE – most handsome guy I’ve ever met. And you’re married to someone who thinks you’re beautiful and you have thousands upon thousands of fans who think that. So, the only person doubting that is YOU!”

“Mm’kay.” Lin murmured ruefully and cupped Jonathan’s face in his palm.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to upset you. I just…” Lin tried again.

“Yes, it’s okay. I said something stupid and I shouldn’t have. I overreacted just now as well. I’m tired. I’m sorry too. Let’s talk about it tomorrow if need be.” Jonathan said and tried to steady his nerves and calm his beating heart.

Shuffling closer to him, Lin pressed his cheek against his chest and slowly both seemed to relax.

“You’re really thick sometimes, you know. You’re the only person in that room who did not realise that I was NOT thinking of Ricky Martin.”

“Who were you thinking of then?” Lin sounded slightly alarmed again.

“Oh Lin.” Jonathan shook his head and planted a kiss upon Lin’s forehead, exhaustion and inebriation making him brave.

“Was it me?” Lin asked giggling, kissing Jonathan’s collarbone in return.

Stifling a moan, Jonathan chuckled: “Isn’t it always you, Lin? Isn’t it always? No matter which way I turn?”

“Mmmmm.” Lin hummed happily, slinging his arm around Jonathan and falling asleep blissfully.

Elena sat in the darkness of her own room, listening to Catherina sing to herself.

“Reina? Will you stay here?”

“Why no, I have a house, you know.” Catherina said jokingly, interrupting her singing.

“No…Well yes, but I meant here as in…New York.” With me, but that she didn’t say.

“I don’t know. It was always my favourite, but I’ll have to travel around. Go to board meetings, look after the other properties, talk to people, sign papers.” Catherina mused, distancing herself of a vision of a homely life, of a marriage such as she had dreamt of as a child, of a dog, of a family.

Elena sighed, she knew all that. While younger, she had received postcards from Catherina, tearful phone calls and hopeful messages from all over the world whenever she wasn’t in the States and Catherina often wasn’t. Her father was British and had never considered any of the other properties he owned as a home. To him, only the lordly country house was a home and so he’d spent his home-life there and his business hours all over the globe, dragging Catherina along like a ragdoll.

Catherina herself, on the other hand, had loved the New York villa. It was home to her, where her French-Canadian relatives from her mother’s side could visit, where she could see her brother and especially, where Elena was.

She had taken Elena to see plays in a lot of different places before, but they both seemed drawn back to Broadway no matter how far they strayed.

Taking a deep breath, Catherina decided: “Yes, you know what? I guess I’ll stay here. I’ll travel from here. I need a home, a place that’s mine to which I can come back. I’ll stay here.”

Elena was thankful for the darkness because it meant that Catherina could not see the big smile and the tears of relief contorting her face.

“Cal will come down next week.”

“For your birthday?” Elena bit the inside of her cheek, she shouldn’t have talked about it.

“No.” Catherina’s voice grew ice-cold. She hated her birthday, hated the shallow presents, hated the anxiety that no-one would show up.

“Sorry.” Elena mumbled, rolled herself into a ball in her childhood bed and squeezed her eyes shut.

But in her head, she decided that she would do something for Catherina’s birthday whether she agreed or not. She wouldn’t. So it would have to be a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this...:)


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey...today, meeting some new people and a sick Lin...
> 
> Enjoy...

12

The next few days went by in a blur.

Catherina would swing by once or twice a day, bearing gifts, mending stuff and generally being helpful.

She made sure there was enough, good coffee around and that the snack bar was always well-filled. Discreet, she never actually talked to many people, just darting around like a ghost and avoiding anybody’s eyes.

“My angel, my muse.” Lin screamed across the corridor when he caught sight of her, or rather, of the carafe she was holding.

“Don’t let Groff hear you. I’m quite intimidated by him.” Catherina said quickly, pulling a coffee mug out of the pocket of her coat and handing it to Lin.

Ready to make herself scarce, Catherina poured coffee into the mug with precision and turned to leave.

“Groffsauce? I have coffee.” Lin yelled into the corridor and took a sip, moaning with pleasure.

“Where do you get this stuff from?” He then casually asked as Jonathan barrelled down the corridor towards the cup.

“Well, Mister Miranda. I pour coffee beans into a machine and it makes it for me.” Catherina explained sheepishly as other doors opened and people started pouring out.

“Hey Lin, introduce us to your coffee friend.” A tall, dark-skinned man demanded and Catherina’s head began to swim. She was genuinely frightened.

“Back off, you oaf.” Lin swatted at him playfully and took the carafe from Catherina to pour coffee into other cups.

“Cast, meet Catherina. Catherina, meet the cast.” He then introduced dutifully.

“Oh come on, girl. Nothing will happen. We’re there.” Jonathan whispered in her ear and slung his arm around her shoulders.

How could anyone be so frightened of harmless conversation? Of people?

Lin introduced her as friend, actually a friend of a friend who had grown to be a friend in her own right and even said that he was indeed very fond of her.

Catherina blinked. This was the first time that she had not been introduced as her father’s daughter or as money on two legs, no word had been uttered about her standing or her origin. She was just herself, Elena’s friend, their friend and the other people seemed to accept this without question.

“Seamstress, coffee fairy, nurse.” A stunningly beautiful African American woman stepped towards her and grasped her cold hands.

“Ye-es.” Catherina stuttered, embarrassed because everybody was looking at her now.

“Baby?” Elena pushed through the throng and pushed her into a dressing room in a most possessive way that triggered a few rising eyebrows.

“See? That’s how you do it.” The tall man nudged Jonathan and went away humming into his coffee mug.

“As if he’d let me shove him anywhere.” Jonathan mumbled under his breath, unaware of Lin’s twinkling eyes.

As he turned around, Jonathan met those very eyes and they were gleaming.

Only after a second, he realised that they looked slightly feverish and that Lin’s colour was heightened.

It was something he had seen many times, so he knew that this was not normal, not natural and not healthy.

“Are you feeling ill?” He asked cautiously but Lin being Lin denied everything even as a shiver ran down his spine.

He gave his everything at rehearsals but the next day, he looked terrible from the very moment he woke up.

Nonetheless, he dragged himself to the theatre and now sat panting, propped up against a railing which broke Jonathan’s heart.

“**Hey, if you come over later, can you take Lin home please? He’s ill and he needs to lie down for a bit**.” Jonathan trusted Catherina and knew she’d do him this favour.

“**Shall be there in a few**.” She replied immediately.

“I’m fine.” Lin was whining.

Jonathan explained patiently that he’d better take a day off now if he wants to avoid missing the actual shows and that they were not babies and could do a day’s worth of rehearsals without him overlooking everything.

Lin was not entirely convinced, but he felt too weak to argue with Jonathan, so when Catherina showed up, he resigned himself to getting tucked into bed like a toddler. He went to Catherina obediently and shot Jonathan nasty glances over her shoulder as they talked.

“Thanks. I’ll pick him up later. Call me if anything…You know. If any of you needs anything. Thank you again. He really should rest…”

Catherina looked at Jonathan’s wild face and had to chuckle.

“I’ll take good care of him. Dolores is already brewing tea and cooking soup. We’ll have him up and about in no time. Do not worry. I shall protect him and shield him and nurse him back to health as well as I can.” laying a hand on the man’s arm, she added: “I know how you feel, believe me, I do. I will do my best for him and I’ll keep you posted about his condition and if he really rests, he should be better by tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.”

Jonathan nodded curtly.

“Also, I need your shirt.” Catherina said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Beg your pardon?” – “The item of clothing you are presently wearing upon your upper body. I shall need it. Please hand it over.” Catherina repeated her request earnestly.

“Uh, ok?” Jonathan shrugged out of his shirt and handed it gingerly over.

“Thank you, dear Sir. Have a nice day.”

Jesus, she really sounded like a governess, Jonathan thought and watched as she handed the shirt to Lin who subsequently clutched it to his chest eagerly.

Catherina spoke to him quietly and Jonathan could see him nod a few times, then both turned around and waved at him and he knew it was all show, but he couldn’t help the lump in his throat that had formed in a millisecond.

“It’s always hard to see them leave, huh?” A voice said behind him and he swung around to see Elena, leaning against a pillar, a sad smile playing on her lips.

“It’s not for long and…I’m just worried, that’s all.” Jonathan tried to deflect the truth she had seen and which made him feel ashamed and exposed.

“You tell yourself that, boy.” Elena shrugged and propelled herself of the pillar into the room next to her, leaving him alone with his thoughts and doubts.

He wondered if Lin was actually angry and if he would be miserable and he wished he could have gone with him, he should have but he hadn’t thought of it and…If Lin wasn’t better by tomorrow, they would stay in and watch films together and cuddle.

He didn’t even care about the risk of contagion, he just wanted to hold and comfort Lin.

“Now, if you do not behave well, I shall be very cross with you.” Catherina announced sternly but upon looking into those deceivingly innocent puppy eyes, she had to laugh.

“Listen, I’m serious, man. I promised Groff I’d make it better somehow and you shall not make me a liar. Please co-operate.” She was literally begging now.

“I will. But, in all honesty, why would you be scared of Groff? I mean…He’s the nicest person ever, he’d never harm or hurt you?”

Catherina shrugged.

“I don’t know. I guess he’s…”

“Beautiful? Angelic? A miracle?” Lin provided helpfully.

“Tall, I wanted to say tall. Whatever, you’re done talking now.” Catherina put her foot down and shoved him upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you did enjoy this, please drop me a comment or something.
> 
> Also, there will be smut. I promise. It's been written, but you'll have to wait some 10 chapters :P


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fever dreams and secrets...
> 
> I hope you enjoy this as well and I am happy to discover that I got another Kudo from a reader. You'll have a spot in my heart forever and ever <3

13

Catherina had given him the best room in the house, her room and contrary to Jonathan, she had thought of changing her sheets.

Lin ate his soup, propped up against some pillows in the bed, like a little king and then sighed sleepily after having also gulped down the tea.

“Can I have some Groff?” He asked, somehow knowing that his secrets would be safe with this very silent, little woman.

“Glee Groff, not Mindhunter Groff.” Catherina replied sharply and he nodded eagerly.

“Any Groff is good Groff, huh?” She laughed as she handed over her laptop so he could put it on the nightstand beside him.

“Have you seen the man?” He gave back in a snarky tone, apologizing immediately for his lashing out.

“I have seen the man. I wish I could see the man through your eyes. I have seen you seeing the man. That was more of a revelation to me than the dude himself.” Catherina couldn’t look at him while speaking those words, so she put up her easel next to the window in order to work on that very moment.

“Hmmm. What are you doing?” Lin lifted his head.

“Never you mind that. What you’ll be doing is resting, sleeping, listening to Jonathan Groff in an endless loop.”

“Don’t you mind?”

Catherina chuckled, no, she could never mind that. Lin didn’t know how much she loved their voices, how many nights had been spent listening to them while trying hard not to break.

“You’re a swell friend.” Lin murmured, already half asleep.

Stepping to the bed and pulling the covers up higher upon his peacefully rising chest, Catherina looked upon him with tenderness.

“Thank you, so are you.” She whispered, pressing his hand just a second and then stepping back. The whole world was topsy-turvy. She was a woman, he was a man and yet, in this instance, the notion and the feeling of friendship was purer than she’d ever known it to be.

Him and Jonathan, her and Elena were friends too, but that kind of friendship seemed to be so much more complex and tinged with other feelings and needs.

Shouldn’t that, if at all, happen between normal, traditional men and women?

Shrugging, Catherina accepted that neither her nor Lin were actually as traditional as they pretended to be, marriage or not.

Jonathan heard his own voice blasting through the phone when he called in a quiet moment.

“He’s sleeping. He was a very good little patient.” Catherina whispered, pulling the door to behind her as she left the room.

“Okay.” A sigh of relief passed Jonathan’s lips.

_We’ve been listening to you for hours on end, he’s whimpering your name in his sleep, we both need you to come back because he misses you and I don’t know how to deal with that much undisguised emotion, _Catherina thought but she’d never tell.

“I’ll be leaving soon.” Jonathan replied to her thoughts and it was Catherina’s turn to sigh.

“I shall have dinner ready.” She promised and so, she went to cook while Dolores sat on the bedside to watch over Lin.

“Is his boyfriend coming?” Dolores asked before Catherina could clear the room.

“Not his boyfriend. And yes, he’s coming.” Catherina gave tonelessly back.

The look Dolores gave her spoke of love and understanding. “_Mija,_ not saying things does not make them any less real, you know?”

“Let both of us sleep a little longer.” Catherina pleaded and kissed the old woman’s cheek.

“I shall.”

Dolores looked after the kid she had seen grown up with a sudden twinge of pain in her heart. Catherina was so very careful, so protective of her own feelings, so closed-off, but Dolores knew that the time of hiding had come and gone and that soon, her baby girl would have to face the truth.

Not yet though. Not yet.

She had overdone it.

Catherina looked helplessly at the heaps of food on the stove and felt as if she was about to burst into tears.

“’thrina?” She burned her hand as she spun around to gaze upon a dishevelled Lin who very much looked like a sick child.

He was nine years her elder and still she couldn’t suppress a wave of almost motherly love in the face of so much pitiful loveliness.

With a fluid gesture, she poured out some of the tea she had brewed only a few minutes prior and blew on it for it to cool down a bit.

“Thank you.” Lin croaked and looked at the clock on the wall.

“He’ll be here soon. He called. Why don’t you sit in the living room and rest some more?” Catherina urged, shuffling around pans and pots on the stove.

When she entered the living room a few minutes later, she found Lin curled up on a sofa, still clutching a wrinkled shirt in his arms as if it was a stuffed toy.

Sitting down on the floor beside the couch, she let her mind and her eyes wander, here, there were portraits she had painted, drawings and memories and she felt safe.

“Don’t be sad.” Lin murmured, taking her hand into his and laying both of them on the shirt.

“Oh Lin, I wish, how I wish, Jonathan Groff had the same effect on me than he has on you.” She chuckled, but Lin didn’t let go of her hand…or of the shirt.

And so she sat, back against the edge of the couch, holding a married man’s hand over a gay man’s shirt and as absurd as this sounded, she had never felt more at home in her own house.

She hadn’t known that she was falling asleep and didn’t realise until a soft pair of lips pressed against her cheek.

Catherina jerked awake, in turn waking Lin who promptly croaked Jonathan’s name.

“Yes, little one. This time, it’s really him.” Catherine mumbled, still sleepy, but clearly aware that both Jonathan and Elena were there.

“Hello my pet.” Jonathan cooed, relieved to see that Lin was, for one, sleeping and, for the rest, looking much better than this morning.

“You look exhausted, love.” Elena said, rubbing her hands down Catherina’s back.

“No, no…I’m not even that tired, it was just so warm and comfortable.” Catherina yawned and stretched her legs before getting up.

“I made dinner…OH…dinner.” Catherina sprinted into the kitchen, where Dolores was stirring the pots.

“I hope you’ve invited an army. What has gotten into you, girl?” She asked perplexed and motioned towards the pots and pans.

“I don’t know.” Catherina admitted shamefaced.

“I’ll find someone who can use it…” She promised, but Dolores shook her head.

“We’ll do what we used to do when you were a kid, okay?”

Pack it up nicely and give it to homeless shelters, together with things they no longer needed or wanted. Yes, Catherina had loved that and then, her father had almost forbidden it.

Hadn’t it been for the almighty wrath of Dolores, he might have, but he didn’t want to fight with her over something he cared so little about.

“Boys?” Dolores called in the direction of the living room.

It was a good feeling to have kids in the house again, she thought, even if they were no longer children in any way, it gave her comfort.

Smiling, she set the table and started serving the mountains of food her Catherina had prepared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay with me, because tomorrow, we'll see what Vanessa has to say about all this...


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just a phone call and I might upload another one tonight to redeem myself...
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this

14

They were halfway through the dinner when Lin’s phone rang.

It was his wife, asking where he was and how he felt as he had been telling her that he was feeling a little under the weather. She had taken the kids on a trip and called from some tropical island, which made Lin smile, explaining that he himself was at her place having dinner.

Then, suddenly, he handed his phone to Catherina, who took it pale-faced.

“Hello…” She almost whispered into the phone.

“Hey. So, has he asked you for money?” Vanessa came straight at her, but there was no anger in her voice.

“What? No. No. Why? Do you need anything? Can I help you somehow?” Catherina gasped.

“No. I’m fine. He wouldn’t ask for money for my sake either. He’s only always looking for backers and investors for, you know, music?”

“Oh.” Catherina didn’t know what to say to a woman whose husband had spent the whole day in her bed.

“Is he there? Groff, I mean.” Vanessa then pressed on.

“I beg your pardon?” Catherina was experiencing whiplash from this sudden change of topic.

“Tall guy, dirty blonde, kind of cute, hangs around my husband a lot? Too broad for Hollywood if it wasn’t for that angelic voice?”

“I am not sure if we’re talking about the same person, but yes, I guess that one is here.”

“Good.” There was a noticeable pause.

“I’m sure, I don’t know what you mean.” Catherina was breathless, it was not her place to say anything about that.

“Don’t sweat it, girl. They’ve been at it for years now. You’ve only just met them, but believe me, I am married to Lin, I KNOW.”

“You’ve been married, huh?” Vanessa then spoke and Catherina nodded before realising that the other woman could not hear that.

“Yes Ma’am. Divorce just came through.” She replied dutifully.

“How was that? Sorry if I’m being intrusive, but I think you might understand…Your husband…Did you like him? Did you actually love him?”

Catherina got up and started wandering around the kitchen.

“Yes, I did like him, I like him still. He’s a wonderful person, nice and warm and very talented. He’s an amazing businessman. As to love, in a way, I loved him, but I was never in love with him and so…”

“He cheated on you…How did that make you feel?”

Catherina felt like getting interviewed, but somehow this woman made her feel better, stronger, she was tired of acting and subsequently being treated like someone broken.

Sighing, she thought for a moment, then said: “Well…At first, he didn’t, you know? We…How was I to know? We were young and we thought it might be enough and then, pretty soon, it became clear that it wouldn’t be.

See…I loved Jeff as a person and I wanted him to be happy and he had always been looking at other women, holding himself back for my sake, we had known each other since we were young too…So, Christelle, that’s her name by the way, she and Jeff, they were meant for each other.”

Catherina felt weird telling her whole story to a stranger on the phone but funnily enough, she had the feeling that this woman would indeed understand.

“Tell me about her…” Vanessa pressed on.

“Well, they worked together but then he started climbing up the ladder and he couldn’t possibly marry a girl who was not…well, me. Our marriage was a merger; family, society, peer pressure, everybody saw it work out so well, so we agreed. We were children. We were cowards. It was the easy way out somehow.”

“So you got married. And then he went back to her, were you jealous?”

Painfully aware of the other people in the room who had fallen completely silent, Catherina replied: “He didn’t go back exactly. She had always been the one and I never really resented that, I wanted him to be happy, I didn’t want him to be a victim of that marriage and she is lovely. Like, believe me, she’s nothing like what people make the “other woman” out to be. She’s gentle and kind and more importantly, she loves him. In a way, I didn’t, I never could.”

Catherina was huffing her frustration.

“So…you DO get me here, huh?” Vanessa chuckled.

“Oh.” Catherina caught her breath. “She’s also a curvy blonde, she has eyes like the night sky.”

She laughed, for the first time ever, she could laugh about Christelle and Jeff.

“YOU SO GET ME HERE!” Vanessa giggled into the phone.

“I do.” – “Did they fuck?” Vanessa sounded like a friend at this very moment.

“I do hope they did! Like what the hell, if they didn’t fuck, what good did that do them then? I mean, I don’t want to be vulgar here, but man, didn’t that man need some off-time from work and a very unfulfilling marriage. Don’t get me wrong, we were great friends and we got along well, but don’t we all want some passion?”

Shocked faces, Catherina didn’t care a bit.

“Did you ever cheat on him?” Vanessa went on.

“No. I wouldn’t have known with whom.” Catherina chuckled and took a sip of her wine, grabbing it off the table where people sat unmoving as on a canvas.

“Now, imagine they didn’t. Imagine watching them dance around it for YEARS.”

“Damn.” That was all Catherina could say to that.

Being serious again, Vanessa went on in a soft voice: “I mean it. They’ve been at it for years. It’s becoming ridiculous and I wonder if I’m a factor here. We have kids, he loves me, he does but…”

“I know, but would you want him to fuck someone else then?”

Blocking out the fact that the person talked about was sitting 5 paces away from her, Catherina leaned against the counter and waited for an answer.

“No. Not anyone at least.” Vanessa sighed and then added: “He says his name in his sleep, you know? And I am fed up with Jonathan Groff. I am tired of having him hanging in the air all the time, I don’t want him, if you get me?”

“I do. I drove Christelle and Jeff to the airport once. His pining drove me insane. It’s hard not to take it personal when your husband tries to conceal how much he wants to be somewhere else.”

“What did you do then?” Vanessa sounded outright curious now.

“I told him that if it had nothing to do with me like he said, he shouldn’t take it out on me for heaven’s sake. Said he should book a trip to Cabo or something and get rid of all that anger and longing. He did and I came to New York to see Hamilton.” Catherina laughed.

“You’re braver than I am. But isn’t it sad to have to tell your husband to go stick it into someone else?” Her voice dropped so her kids were probably nearby.

“Girl, what was I supposed to do? He painted her shadow on every wall. By the time I sent him off, I almost felt like I was in love with her too.” Catherina said theatrically.

“THAT’S JUST IT!” Vanessa screamed into the phone.

Sighing again, Catherina murmured: “He’s a good man and he did his best to make this as agreeable as possible for me, so I did the same for him and we’re on good terms, I guess. We’ve saved our friendship by ending our marriage and as our marriage was a sham and our friendship was not…I’m glad it turned out like that.”

“We’ll have to get a cup of coffee when I’m back. This has helped me.” Vanessa sighed.

“Coffee, alright. Yes, it has helped me too, in a weird way. Somehow. It has been good to talk about it with someone who might understand that not every story has a villain.” Catherina smiled through the tears of relief.

“Also, they’re all in the room. And I’ve said the word “fucked” and now, they’re going to wash out my mouth with a bar of soap if their faces are any indication.”

“Don’t swallow. See you soon, here’s my number.”

Vanessa gave her the number and rang off without even wanting to talk to Lin again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...it will take until chapter 32 to meet her again so don't hold your breath.
> 
> As always, I'd be happy if you could leave a comment or so to let me know if you're enjoying this...thank you :)


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more telephone and the revelation of the drawings Catherina's made...
> 
> Second chapter for today...Enjoy

15

“What the hell was that about?” Elena screeched while Dolores crossed herself.

“A discussion between wives.” Catherina shrugged and started eating her half-cold dinner as if she had not talked in the most indecent way only a few seconds ago.

Four people were still staring at her, unmoving.

“Is she alright?” Lin asked finally, obviously feeling guilty for having left his wife alone with their children to go galivanting with Jonathan Groff through New York.

“She is.” Catherina gave back, feeling the other woman like a shadow beneath her skin. For the first time, she saw this whole scene from the outside, from the perspective of the scorned wife and if Lin’s wife was anything like her, then she’d be much less hurt than anybody thought.

“I have to call Jeff. I have to tell him.” She mumbled, fishing her phone out of her pocket. Nobody had commented on her jeans or her lacklustre jumper. They had just silently accepted that she finally felt comfortable enough around them to stop playing dress-up.

“Jeff? I just wanted to call to say that I’m not angry about Christelle. We’ve never talked about that and I not got around to wishing you good luck. I…always understood, you know? I always wanted that for you, what she gave you, and I hope she doesn’t resent me.”

“She doesn’t.” A low voice grumbled from the other side of the line.

“Where does this come from, Cat? Why?” He asked.

“I just…felt the need to say this out loud to you. I’ve told so many people, but I need you to hear it too. I know she loves you and you love her and I am sorry we were dumb and foolish. She was always the one you were meant to marry and I hope…”

“We…I wanted to call you after…your birthday. We’re planning on getting married.” Jeff sounded a little abashed.

“Oh how wonderful. All my blessings, Jeff. I am so happy it worked out for you.”

“You know what Cat? As we’re telling one another truths…You should let go of him. Your father was a cruel man and he was wrong about you. You should take that Latina out, take her somewhere nice and then get her to touch you the way you’ve never dared to be touched.”

Catherina’s eyes flew to Elena and she clenched her teeth.

“I’m not ready, Jeff.” She sobbed, her fear clenching her throat shut.

“You will never be, darling. Life is too short for that kind of what ifs…Believe me.”

Elena took the phone from Catherina and ran out of the room with it.

“Jeff? It’s Elena, Catherina’s…friend.” She whispered into the phone.

“I know who you are.” Jeff replied softly, thinking that maybe, he knew better than she knew herself.

“It’s her 30th birthday next week. Will you…will you come?”

Jeff was torn, he would have loved to see his ex-wife, his best friend again, but he was afraid it would be awkward. Secretly, he had also been a tad scared that she was indeed angry at him for all the things that hadn’t worked out between them.

“If you’re sure that it wouldn’t ruin her day, sure, I’ll come. I have some things to clear up with her anyway.”

Catherina was also to some extent his business partner and so he had a few minor details to clear up with her. While talking to Elena, his heart soared slowly and he took a few deep breaths, he hadn’t known that his separation from Catherina had taken such a toll on him, but now, knowing that she was alright, he felt better than he had in years.

“I’ll be there. Promise. And Elena? Take care of her, please?”

It was not his secret to spill, but Jeff wanted Catherina to find the same kind of happiness he had found in Christelle.

After ringing off, he sat staring at the wall for a long time. Catherina and her dark, almond-shaped eyes, her soft, little mouth and her porcelain-white skin. Catherina and her lovely singing voice and her chubby legs. Catherina and her silent suffering under her father and all his rules.

He adored that woman, she was his best pal and he missed her. Not in a romantic way, never in a romantic way, but he missed having her around, humming showtunes while cooking.

It was been a nice marriage, but nice didn’t cut it.

Smiling, he decided that he was looking forward to seeing her again and when his fiancée wrapped her long, slim arms around him, he couldn’t contain his joy as he kissed her fervently.

“That was…weird.” Jonathan said while helping Dolores clear the table.

Lin was looking out of the window, confused by the part of the telephone conversation he had been able to hear but not to follow completely. Why would his wife talk about sex with a woman she had never met? What had been said? And why had Catherina looked as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders when she hung up?

“You alright?” Jonathan rubbed his back in slow, deep circles and Lin nodded absentmindedly.

Catherina fidgeted for a moment and then handed both of them an oversized envelope.

“If you don’t like them, throw them away, burn them, whatever. Only, do not spread them about if they’re trash. I don’t know. I never could tell.” She spoke too fast now, avoiding their eyes and finally, screaming that they could only open them once they had left the house.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” Lin squealed as he understood what was in the envelopes and he hugged her so tight, she could barely breathe.

He was radiant with energy even now, sick and weak, and Catherina thought to herself that it was no wonder Jonathan was head over heels in love with him.

She closed her eyes and opened them again, slowly, the scene was the same, but her point of view had changed. They were in love. And everybody knew except them.

Usually, she would have been afraid of the mere thought of love, but in this very moment, she dared thinking the words, embracing the truth of love under this roof, inside these walls, in this house where love had been a stranger for so many years.

“I’ll stay with you tomorrow.” Jonathan announced as he put away the leftovers from dinner in his fridge, thanking both Catherina and Dolores for the care package they had thrown together in a haste to make sure they’d have to worry about nothing the next day.

“Aw, that’s cute, Groffsauce.” Lin didn’t even protest because the idea of being alone with Jonathan for a day was way to seductive to ruin it by petty bickering.

He then sat squarely on the couch, carefully opening his envelope and inviting Jonathan to do the same, motioning that they should pull the drawings out together at the same time.

Lin found himself holding a triangular piece of thick paper, but the person on the sheet was not himself, it was Jonathan.

Jonathan put his triangle next to Lin’s and on the upper border, “When he sings” “the world stops” was written in a neat, feminine handwriting.

The two pieces were clearly meant to be one sheet of paper and the fuzzy borders already clung together again as if they were in the process of mending, of healing, of converging.

She was that good, Jonathan thought, as he dared glancing at the portrait of himself.

He had never seen himself like that, as he didn’t look into the mirror whenever he felt like that, indeed, he was generally looking at Lin just as he was now on this composite drawing.

Lin was marvelling. He recognized himself with ease and without shame, as a matter of fact, he felt flattered by this drawing because it showed him more handsome than he thought he actually was.

And then they looked at the drawing that was actually given to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope you enjoyed this bonus.
> 
> I would still be very happy to see any traces of you, dear readers...Please give me a sign that you're out there, please :)


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, today we have a just a smudge of smut and of feelings boiling over.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this :)

16

Jonathan also recognized Lin easily enough as he knew that pulsating, radiating, beaming energy surrounding his friend and the open joy he seemed to exude wherever he went.

As he looked closer though, his heart started beating frantically in his chest, for the face depicted was the face of a man beholding a miracle, of a man looking upon something – or someone – with love. Never one to dissimulate when amongst friends, Lin had his eyes wide open and riveted upon a spot that was not part of the drawing. The smile playing on his lips was nothing short of tender and loving and Jonathan dared not imagine that this smile had been provoked by him but what else could it have been.

“I guess I really look like that when you sing.” Lin remarked, looking over and smiling wistfully at the drawing.

He then looked down upon his own and the smile faded. What he saw there was pain and he hated the idea of Jonathan being in pain. Ever impulsive, he traced the pencil lines lightly with his index, as if he could caress the strain and the melancholy away.

“Why do I make you sad?” He had not intended to say that but now that the words were out, he couldn’t take them back.

Jonathan wanted to lie, wanted to deny everything but he knew that it wouldn’t sound credible.

“Longing is not always sadness.” He said so quietly that Lin almost didn’t make out what he was mumbling but as it hit him, he whipped around, staring at his friend.

He let the drawing plummet to the floor and as he picked it up, not wanting to disrespect a gift, he saw the little note on the backside.

“This was made in Elena’s home. It was made in the timespan of 10 minutes. So, it actually is the same situation.

Reflection, not upon the way you look but upon the way you’re looked at.

Lovingly,   
Catherina”

“Do you look at me like that?” Lin asked Jonathan, confused, because he had thought at different times that he had caught something like that out of the corner of his eye, but Jonathan was careful never to let him see that.

“I do. I guess.”

Unable to contain his empathy and his deep affection, Lin almost climbed upon Jonathan’s lap in an effort to console him.

“See? I am always smiling when I see you. Amazed, stunned, transported by the beauty within you. But then again, I am not …”

“I swear to God, Lin-Manuel, if you say Ricky Martin, I will throw you out the window.” Jonathan hissed.

His feelings were a melting pot of confusion and need and fear and so many other things he couldn’t name at the moment. Catherina had seen, she had known, and she had said nothing at all. How many secrets did that woman hold within herself regarding other people? Did she pity him for his helpless infatuation?

And what exactly was he to tell that man practically sitting on top of him? How should he explain all the things he longed for but couldn’t have?

His heart was racing and his breath was shallow. He was starting to feel dizzy and wondered if he was on the verge of a panic attack.

“Shhh, Groffsauce, it’s okay. We’re okay. I’m here.” Lin tried pacifying him, running both his hands through Jonathan’s hair and down his neck.

“I do not want to make you sad, you know?” He then continued without stopping his tender caressing, running his thumbs along the jawline of his friend, bending over to kiss his forehead softly.

“I make myself sad and I had been drinking too much wine that night.” Jonathan spluttered but Lin knew that he was lying.

“I had a dream about you.” Lin then said out of the blue, maybe because the sadness he read in Jonathan’s eyes at this very moment reminded him of that.

He had awoken utterly miserable, not because it had been a bad dream, but because it only had been a dream and he could feel the loss wrenching his guts and shredding a part of his soul.

“Was it a good dream?” Jonathan asked and sighing, Lin cuddled up to his chest, nodding, unable to put the perfection into words.

“Can we stay like this forever?” Lin mumbled after a moment, Jonathan’s arms wrapped tightly around him, his heat chasing the chill of the cold and his breath ruffling through his hair like the sweetest summer breeze.

“I wish.” Jonathan sighed and half lifting Lin off, went to the kitchen to brew a tea for Lin and check his phone.

**Feeling of the day**, the message read and taking the mug back into the living room, Jonathan pressed play on the little video Elena had sent him.

It was a dark screen and Catherina’s voice singing “Let’s hurt tonight” by OneRepublic. It hit him right in the feelings because yes, hurting they certainly all were.

He was ready to break, to break out, to break down, but either way to break.

Lin sipped on his tea and wondered if he could ask what he was going to ask of Jonathan without hurting his feelings and…without being rejected by the one person he couldn’t lose.

All of this had been waiting, simmering, lurking in the darkest corners of his mind but it had been there for many years and by now, he was almost afraid of what would happen once they let it loose.

“Jonathan?” The man looked up and Lin lost himself in those eyes that were home and exotic at the same time to him. Pretty white boy, so warm and caring, so strong and brave.

“Would you kiss me? Like really kiss me?” Kiss me like I’m precious, like I’m loved.

Instead of answering, Jonathan sat down next to him, cupping his face in his hands, angling it slightly upwards.

“Since when do you want men to kiss you?” He asked so close to Lin’s face that their breaths mingled, herbal tea and bare yearning.

“I don’t care for men kissing me. I want YOU to kiss me.” Lin replied, his lower lip quivering a little.

Fuck it, Jonathan thought and lowered his lips upon the other man’s, a sharp intake of breath and then complete oblivion followed, leading to tugging and shoving unlike in the movies where everything was a well-timed dance of romance.

Lin was clawing at his shirt, at his chest, trying desperately to get a foothold on something to push himself further up, closer to Jonathan and grunting in frustration as his feet kept slipping on the slick floor.

After a moment, Jonathan pulled away, steadying himself and Lin and gasping for breath.

“Are you really sure you want to do this?” Jonathan asked, he had to know, he was not about to take advantage of a friend who had a cold and was tired and disoriented, maybe homesick and definitely lonely.

Lin shoved the drawing of himself into Jonathan’s hands. “I was always sure, Jon, you are the one who, for some reason I cannot fathom, always shied away from this and you damn well know that’s the godhonest truth.”

Yes, Jonathan thought, yes, because I am not married, and I cannot go back to pretending this was just a silly mistake when it’s over. Yes, because I shall carry that silly mistake to my grave.

Unsure what to say, he nodded stupidly and let Lin kiss him again.

To hell with the consequences, I guess, he thought before he couldn’t think anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More than ever, I'd love a feedback...Please give me a sign :D


	17. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I'm just teasing in this chapter...Sorry...not sorry...
> 
> Also, a bit of Oak :D
> 
> Enjoy

17

“We should…” Jonathan was positively panting by now, but he also was determined not to lose control in this very precarious situation.

“We should, postpone this, see if you don’t change your mind. Wait until you’re healthy again.”

“Am I disgusting?” Lin asked, hurt.

“NO. Obviously not.” – “So you think me needy?”

Blowing out the breath he had been holding, Jonathan tried to focus, not a meagre feat when considering that all the blood his brain needed seemed to be elsewhere.

“No, but you might be feeling swayed to do stuff you’d normally not do in your…present condition.” He tried to explain.

“Jesus, you’re so cute, I can’t even be mad at you. Okay, we’ve been playing the waiting game for so long, what difference do some days make? But, Groff, believe me, I won’t be changing my mind anytime soon.” Brushing his hand suggestively over Jonathan’s midsection, Lin looked like a prime tease and would put many a Hollywood actress to shame.

“Also, I’m used to being blue-balled by you, it’s alright.” He added cheerfully and started for the bathroom to get ready for bed.

“YOU? BY ME?” Jonathan stomped after him. Lin was really turning this into a habit, dropping one-liners and then walking across the room like nothing happened.

“Well yes, I was offering myself up and you decided to pass.” Lin mumbled, toothbrush hanging from the corner of his mouth, his eyes twinkling with a streak of dark humour.

“I’m trying to protect you. I don’t want you to regret something you’ve done on an impulse. I couldn’t bear it if anything was to happen between us and you’d end up regretting it.”

Upon hearing this, Lin’s eyes went soft and he stroked Jonathan’s burning cheek tenderly.

“I hear you. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Again, Jonathan did not understand how Lin was the one waiting.

“Until you can believe and trust me not to go back on my word. I shall not regret anything I so wanted; you should know me better than that. And I guess, you didn’t fully expect this, but if YOU want something to happen, it surely will, because no way I’m changing my mind.”

Shaking his head to get rid of this dangerous, red mist clouding it at the moment, Jonathan brushed his teeth as well and slipped out of his clothes.

“You will kiss me still though, won’t you?” Lin asked, already sleepy, stretching out both arms towards Jonathan as he crawled into bed.

Shuffling sideways in, Jonathan grabbed Lin and just pulled him into his arms, cradling him tenderly.

Rubbing his back in slow, circular motions, he listened to Lin’s laboured breath becoming ever more regular before falling asleep himself.

Lin woke up to a cold bed. Disoriented, confused and unhappy, he listened for a moment until he could place the noise that had awoken him.

Water, running water, following the sound, he padded noiselessly into the bathroom and drew back the shower curtain with a sharp tug.

Jonathan was facing him, holding up a shampoo bottle like a revolver, his eyes wide in shock.

“What are you going to do? Wash me to death?” Lin chuckled and stepped out of his underwear in a casual motion.

“WHAT THE HELL?” After a few seconds of stunned silence, Jonathan came to, staring at his very naked and half-wet friend. FRIEND! He needed to remind himself of that fact because the mist he had thought gone was returning with a vengeance.

“Scoot over.” Lin demanded, stepping under the stream of warm water and brushing against Jonathan, which made the latter squeeze against the cold, damp wall as if bitten.

“You…What are you doing? I mean, you could have waited a second, no?” Jonathan struggled against the urge to cover himself somehow, knowing that it would make the situation even more awkward and ridiculous.

“I woke up and you were gone. I’m cold.” Lin shrugged, took the shampoo bottle from Jonathan and started working a drop of it into his hair. As if things were that easy.

With both Lin and Jonathan gone, Catherina felt vulnerable in the theatre, especially with the knowledge that her birthday was coming up and the fear that everyone would forget, or worse, that everybody remembered.

“Hello little lady.” The immense African man she usually ran into stepped into her way.

“Hello Oak. Come on, say it.” He teased her as she stared up at him in a breathless way.

“Oak, leave the woman alone. Can’t you see that you frighten her?” The freckled man, for Catherina had never seen anyone nearly as freckled as him, shoved the mountain of a man playfully.

“No…I just…Can I do something for you?” Catherina protested feebly, because if she was honest, she was indeed afraid. Her father had been a fervent racist and a lifetime of horror stories about black-skinned people had left their marks on her soul and she hated herself for being that cautious around people who had never done her any harm.

“No, just wanted to check in with you.” Oak grinned, he somehow liked that little furtive creature, her startled look tinged with curiosity and bravery and he had decided to tame her.

Swallowing hard, Catherina cleared her throat and greeted him by name, which made him break into a dazzling smile.

He reached out his hand and she took it, firmly and unafraid.

“Human. Just like you.” He whispered and rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand.

“What has the world done to you, little one?” He sighed and let go of her hand.

Elena leant against a wall, watching Catherina smile. These people had no idea of how she had been brought up, they couldn’t fathom what her father would have done to her for shaking the hand of a black person, they were unable to understand how much it had cost Catherina to let go of yet another childhood-trauma.

“So…They’re both at home?” – “They’re taking a duvet day, yeah.” Catherina’s eyes sparkled.

“Oh…She’s onto to something, Oak.” The freckled man laughed loudly and shook his head, but then assured everyone that he thought it a good thing for everybody involved that both Lin and Jonathan stayed home for a day to…recuperate.

Another subject Catherina was not good at, Elena thought, but to her surprise, Catherina only giggled and shrugged.

She had changed in the last few days, had blossomed into someone much more confident in her own beliefs and opinions and hope surged in Elena’s heart.

“As long as it makes them happy.” Catherina said and walked away to get coffee for everyone.

“She’s a good one.” Oak sighed and waited for her to return, to which Anthony assented.

She had made friends, Elena was relieved, overjoyed and just a tad jealous. She turned and went back to her company, reassured that Catherina wouldn’t freeze or break down anytime soon.

This project was heaven-sent, there was no doubt about that, and she would have to kiss the feet of the person responsible for it as soon as she learned his or her identity.

Stretching, she hummed to herself, feeling calmer and happier than she ever had as far she could remember. Everybody was going to be alright, things that had been suspended like a breath held in anticipation were finally unravelling fast and she couldn’t wait to see the outcome.

Maybe, it was time for her to let go of some of the hurt in her past as well and start believing in miracles and happy endings again too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for another Kudo...I love you, keep leaving me signs please <3


	18. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teasing with a dash of humour and little more Oak...
> 
> Enjoy

18

Humming a tune, Lin was washing his hair as if he hadn’t a single care in the world.

Jonathan was doing his best horror movie impression, pressed flat again the wall, staring at the second person in his shower.

Water was running into his eyes and the smell of his own shampoo made him giddy, but he couldn’t have moved even if he had wanted to, which he didn’t, at all.

“Are you okay? Need a hand?” Lin laughed, squeezed another blob of shampoo into his palm and started working it into Jonathan’s hair.

“Close your eyes, Groffsauce. It’s not kiddy shampoo, it will sting if it gets into your eyes.”

Too dumbfounded to argue, Jonathan did indeed shut his eyes and let the other man wash his hair, working his fingers through the dense curls, scrubbing his scalp slowly, and he suddenly forgot how to breathe.

He had to bend his head slightly down on account of Lin being shorter than him but even though he must have looked absolutely ridiculous, he hadn’t felt that good in a very long time.

It was a strange sensation to have his eyes closed while another man was touching him and he realised in a painful flash that it had been an excruciatingly long time since anyone had touched him at all. He was a grown man, he was – in theory – sexually active, but work and a very fragile heart had kept him from dating and now that Lin was spending all his nights in his apartment, in his bed, he couldn’t bring another man home.

Jonathan felt his body react to the touch and to the direction his thoughts had taken, and he wanted desperately to get out of this situation before making a fool of himself, but Lin’s hands held him in place.

“I’m clean.” He almost moaned, Lin’s hands tender torture on his skin.

“So you are.” Lin replied, his own voice a whisper, and shoved Jonathan back under the water. The stream hit him like a cascade, knocking the held breath out of him and freeing a shivering sigh.

“What are you doing?” Jonathan asked helpless, his eyes glued to the face of the man facing him, one hip thrust out cockily and smiling in a much too seductive way.

“You decided to wait. I agreed. Doesn’t mean that I won’t try to sway you. Weaken your defences.” Lin smirked and ran his hands down Jonathan’s sides, tickling his skin to life until every breath burned in his lungs.

Then Lin grabbed a bar of soap and lifting it into Jonathan’s field of vision, he dropped it unceremoniously to the floor.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING???” Jonathan had the feeling that he repeated himself too much but all the words had flown from his memory.

“Isn’t that some kind of invitation for gay sex?” Lin said, tongue-in-cheek.

“No, it’s a symbol of gay RAPE in PRISONS!” Jonathan gasped.

“Well, let’s turn it into something nicer. Romantic. Like a bouquet of roses or a ribbon given as a favour to a potential lover.” Lin shrugged and shoved the bar of soap forward with his toes.

“You have more experience in this department than me. How would that work exactly? Like what’s the gameplan?” He then asked and watched – amazed – as Jonathan flung both his arms into the air, setting a myriad of droplets flying, and spun around to rinse his hair once again.

“No, Lin-Manuel, NO! I shall not have a discussion about the details of…sex with you while you hijack my shower with me in it. Please retrieve my soap, it was a gift.” He spoke between gritted teeth, willing himself to think of anything else than the details he didn’t want to elaborate on, looking miserably down on his treacherous body.

“I’m not afraid, you know.” Jonathan heard Lin proclaim somewhere behind his own knees and just as he tried to cobble together a reply, Lin’s hand snaked around his thigh, coming to rest on his hip as he steadied himself to get the bar of soap.  
Damn that bar of soap. Damn all the soap in the world.

“Got it!” Lin exclaimed triumphant and sunk his teeth playfully into Jonathan’s right butt cheek.

The latter whirled around with such ferocity that he almost lost his balance, flushed and wild-eyed, mouth gaping open in wordless shock.

“Sorry, did I hurt you?” Lin looked crestfallen in the face of so much just anger.

“NO…yes, no, not like that.” Jonathan stuttered, trying hard to not lose his mind and throw overboard all his well-meant principles.

By this time, he didn’t even bother trying to hide his arousal nor did he feel particularly ashamed of it because, at least to him, that was the logical consequence of what had been happening here and what Lin was aiming for.

Or was he? One was never sure with Lin, it was often really hard to understand his motives.

“I won’t change my mind, but you…you have the right to do so. I mean, for me it has mostly to do with you in particular but…”

Jonathan had no idea what Lin was getting at. Furrowing his brow, he motioned to the other man to go on talking, dismissing the fact that they were still both standing under running water without actually completing the washing ritual.

Sighing deeply, Lin went on: “I mean, I’m sure you have other offers. Many of them. And so…”, sweeping a demonstrative gesture along his naked body, “I just wanted to make sure that you’re fully aware of what you’re dealing with.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Jonathan scoffed, pointing to his nether regions in a parody of Lin’s grand gesture.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed, still…” Once again, Lin’s voice was small and Jonathan wondered how his only source of insecurity could be his own appearance. It was quite baffling.

He would have to clear this up, only in this very moment, he felt cold and soaked and unduly restless due to raw sexual frustration, so he decided to have that conversation with Lin at another time.

Nonetheless, a gesture was called for and, bracing himself for the torture he was about to endure, Jonathan grabbed the soap. Unable to look any longer into those dark, expectant eyes, he slowly turned Lin around and started rubbing the bar of soap in lazy, wide circles over his back.

“So? How do you feel?” Catherina looked up as Oak approached her, cautiously still, but with a confident step.

“Can I introduce you to some other weirdly coloured people?” He laughed but tears sprang into Catherina’s eyes, flowing over, tears of shame and of anger.

“Don’t cry, tiny lady. It was a joke.” – “I am not a racist. At least, I try not to be.” She sobbed and found herself in a bear-like embrace, felt herself lifted of the floor and held.

“I know.” He mumbled and motioned his friends closer.

She greeted them, took a cup of her own coffee and chatted a bit with people much taller, and darker, and manlier, than herself and felt like maybe, she was ready to leave this behind as well for good. Her father had been wrong. Wrong about everything.

And as much as it hurt her to come to grips with that reality, she no longer wanted to be imprisoned in his way of looking at the world.

She was an orphan. She had to accept that fact and grow from it. She was willing to take her first unsupervised steps in a world that had always seemed hostile to her.

“You’ll be alright. We’ve got your back.” Oak promised, rubbing his huge hands over her tense back, making her believe that things would be alright.

“I’ve got to go check on our two sick dudes.” She sighed, tucking her coat under her arm with a prim neatness that made him chuckle.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

“Goodbye Oak.” Catherina smiled shyly and waved at the man before leaving the theatre.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you my lovely readers for leaving signs of your having been here, I hope you inspire others to do the same :)


	19. 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am home, sick, today...  
So, here goes an entire Grofflin chapter with something like a declaration but not quite (that will take at least another 15 chapters :') )
> 
> Enjoy

19

“I could get used to this.” Lin said contentedly as he watched Jonathan warm up the leftovers they had been given, himself wrapped in a blanket and sitting on the couch.

Jonathan scoffed, but only to hide the raw pain this remark had triggered in his heart. It was if these words had unsettled a tiny stone that, in turn, had unbalanced the whole heap and now his needs and emotions came tumbling down on him like an avalanche.

It was not the sex that frightened him, it was everything beyond it. He could think of a million reasons why Lin would want this: curiosity, wayward attraction due to long timespans spent in close proximity, the intimacy of a good friendship. Yes, he could convince himself that maybe, Lin was indeed up for this even though he didn’t even know what it would look like. The crux of the matter for Jonathan was, when it came to him, that he had feelings for his friend and that those feelings would be fanned by intercourse and he was deadly afraid that he then would no longer be able to keep a lid on them.

And keep them in check he needed to do, to function, to live, to breathe.

Of course, he couldn’t tell Lin that he was afraid to get his heart broken because Lin would never hurt him on purpose but then again, he also didn’t know how deep and desperate Jonathan’s feelings really were. He was that good an actor that Lin had no idea.

Shaking his head, Jonathan put out the plates and if his hands twitched and trembled a tiny bit, no-one would think too much of it after all that happened this morning.

He was wrong, Lin knew that something was up.

He wondered if he had pressed Jonathan too much. What was the poor man to do if he had indeed only been joking? What if he wasn’t really attracted to Lin? He was too nice to just reject him outright, so he had to make him understand in a more cautious way.

Never much of a Casanova, Lin was deeply plagued by doubt and this made him morose.

Sick and pale, he didn’t feel like he’d be very attractive to anyone and his wife barely called either. Suddenly, he felt unloved and unlovable. Struggling against irrational tears, he gulped down a mouthful of tea, knowing that he was about to have a complete melt-down if he wasn’t careful.

People liked him, admired him, but did anyone really love him?

Unable to broach the subject with Jonathan, he dialled Catherina’s number and sobbed her name as soon as she picked up. Running into the bedroom and slamming the door shut, he panted into the phone like some random pervert.

“Do you love me?” He asked without introduction or explanation.

“I do. Very much so. Why?” She replied calmly, feeling the love course through her veins and welcoming the warm flow.

“I feel terrible.” The words just fell out of his mouth, how he had decided to seduce Jonathan and how he was rubbish at it and how he was unsure how to proceed and how he felt like nobody even gave a damn about him.

“Darling? Stop it, stop it right there. You’re tired and ill and that’s it. We all ADORE you. You know that. As for Jonathan, what did you expect? He’s not a plaything, Lin. He’s a human being and he has a heart to protect, a life to save…”

She didn’t know how much she could say without going too far in the revelation of someone else’s secret.

“I…I don’t play him. I…It’s him, you know. It will always be him.” Lin sounded positively distraught and on the verge of a breakdown.

“Yes, baby, I know. I have had this conversation before. I know. But I am not the person who has to know, am I now? Why don’t you tell him? Why don’t you let him know that you plan to take care of his heart as much as of his body? Hmmm? How does that sound?

I’ll swing by with Elena in an hour or two and if you want to, we’ll talk about it, okay? I’ve got your back.”

Relief washed over Lin, this was what he had needed to hear. People did care for him and he had done his friend a grievous wrong by not being as upfront as he pretended to be.

“Can’t wait. But hey, let us come over, yeah?”

“Okay. Be brave. It’s the best thing you can do.” Catherina said and rang off.

Jonathan heard him cry but he knew he wouldn’t be welcome. His heart was in shreds by the time Lin came out again, a wavering smile on his lips.

“I’m sorry. Whatever I’ve done. I’m sorry. I…” He was himself on the point of sobbing helplessly upon seeing the watery eyes of the man he loved so desperately.

“Don’t be. I was being stupid. I felt…alone and unloved and that wasn’t fair.” Lin replied and took another sip of his now cold tea.

“What?”

“Listen, listen carefully.” Lin framed Jonathan’s face with both his hands, forcing him to look straight at him, holding his gaze like a spell.

“This is your last chance to stop me. Are my attentions towards you unwelcome? We are friends and I value you, oh so much, so, if you are not attracted to me or you don’t want this to happen, tell me.” His voice shook, but he held Jonathan’s gaze unblinkingly, so he saw how the worry and the fear broke away and only a deep yearning was left.

“I am sorry I’m such a fool about this but no, your attentions are not unwelcome, and I do enjoy it. I want you, you know?”

“But you’re scared. And that’s part my fault too. Listen here. Listen, Jonathan, listen. I shall endeavour to seduce you, honestly, relentlessly and consistently. I will do so for the rest of my life if you don’t tell me to stop. And this is the important part, I want you. All of you. I want you taking care of me when I’m ill and I want to take care of you when you are. I want the cuddles, the movies, the kisses, the walks. I want to see you at my shows and I want to see yours. I guess what I’m trying to say is…I will take care of you, of your body, of your needs, of your heart, of your fears, of everything you are. So, when I say that I’ll pursue you, you should know that there is no part of you that I won’t be pursuing.

Are you still okay with that?”

Jonathan reeled, his hand in the plate, squashing food blindly as he looked into Lin’s eyes and saw nothing but honest passion.

He couldn’t believe what he just heard, wasn’t this the most perfect thing ever spoken?

“You…Are you sure? What…” Words had vanished and floated in outer space, unmissed by anyone.

“I am. So, tell me, are you ready to be a grown man’s crush? Will you bear with someone who hasn’t done this in a long time, maybe hasn’t ever done it right?” Lin sounded earnest and just a little bit afraid.

“I am, you have no idea how happy that would make me.” Jonathan breathed, his voice toneless with amazement.

“Well then, my dear Groffsauce, we shall have proper dates and hidden kisses. I will do this seduction-thing right for you.” Energetic as ever, Lin bounded towards him, hugging him tightly and kissing the base of his neck tenderly.

“Oh you do make me feel like a 16 year-old virgin sometimes.” Jonathan giggled, a weight lifted off his chest. He would be courted. He would be seduced.

Something shifted in his soul, tumbling loose and behind this wall of single rocks, there was sunlight, streaming in and dispersing the gloom.

“Let’s go over to Catherina’s. I have frightened her thoroughly and she deserves better.” Lin smiled, lifting Jonathan’s hand to his lips and kissing it gently before putting on his shoes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also thank you so very much for my 4th Kudo, it made my day so much better...
> 
> Love you all <3
> 
> Keep leaving traces of your having been here...Thanks


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my tardiness, so here goes a chapter of hellos and goodbyes...
> 
> Thank you endlessly for the Kudos my dear readers...I've almost made it to a hundred hits and I couldn't be happier...  
Enjoy

20

“Oak?” Lin blinked confused as the tall man opened the door.

“Yeah, she’s not yours to keep.” The man replied shrugging and let them in.

Yelping their names, Catherina flew across the foyer and for the first time ever, it was her throwing her arms around them as if she hadn’t seen them in a long time.

Her upcoming birthday made her nervous, so she had agreed when Elena had proposed to bring her new friends over to the house.

“Thank you. I didn’t want to frighten you earlier. I told him.” Lin said in a low voice to her and she beamed at him in a happiness so unselfish, it filled his own heart with glee.

“Lin. Groff.” Elena strode into the foyer as well, hugging both of them shortly.

“Oh hey, are you not supposed to be “sick”?” Anthony came out of the kitchen and smirked at them, making both of them blush involuntarily.

“I am going to court Jonathan now.” Lin announced proudly, coughing a bit, and then grinning broadly.

“Oh yeah…” Catherina disappeared and came back with a thick bouquet of fresh flowers.

“Got your message, they’re my mother’s prime flowers.” She explained as she handed them to Lin who promptly passed them on to Jonathan.

“Sorry, my sweet, but as you were with me, I couldn’t stop to buy flowers for you.”

Jonathan stared at them. They were exquisite flowers and he marvelled both at Lin’s ingeniousness and Catherina’s generosity because had Lin bought those, they might well have cost a small fortune.

“Didn’t know our homegirl was some kind of billionaire.” Anthony mused as he lifted a priceless antique vase and studied it.

“Is it important?” Catherina asked, voice quivering, ready to retreat into her shell.

“Naaaa. It isn’t.” Anthony smiled and put the vase back.

“Groff for fuck’s sake. I swear…NO!”

The door that had been left half open, now flew wide open and two balls of fur raced into the foyer.

“Catherina! Watch out!” A man screamed, but the woman had already been torn down by the bigger one of the two mutts and now lay on the floor, laughing and cuddling the dogs.

Wet tongues trailed love letters on her face, and she couldn’t stop giggling.

“Hello. Oh man, Cat.” Caleb strode into the room and closed the door behind him.

Pushing herself up on one elbow, Catherina laughed at her brother and took his hand when he offered to pull her up.

“Miranda. Groff. Sit.” She commanded and both the dogs plopped their behinds on the Persian rug, wagging their tails and looking at her expectantly.

“Go see if Dolores doesn’t have something nice for you. SLOWLY!” She said and they trotted off. Soon, they heard Dolores exclaiming and then cooing.

Jonathan stared at the newcomer, tall and lean, he looked distinctly indigenous with his almond-shaped black eyes and his golden skin.

“Caleb, my brother. My…friends.” The smile that haunted his childhood memories met Caleb and hit him right in the feelings.

“No females, no faggots, no foreigners, no fraternal visits. Don’t you remember?” Caleb sighed and looked at the people around him.

“WHAT?” Lin exclaimed, shocked and offended.

“Cat’s father. He was very strict. He’d die on the spot if he knew that she had opened her door to these people. To me.” Caleb rubbed his hands over his face, unable to forget the unforgiving man in whose house he now stood.

“I remember.” Catherina said in a low, almost childish voice, but her back straightened and her face took on a hard setting.

“He is dead. He is dead and gone, Cal. I am all that remains.”

“You are all that is worth keeping.” He retorted, kissing her cheek lovingly.

The dogs were back, both of them carrying bones, and sat back down next to Catherina.

“My beautiful boys.” She crooned at them, petting their heads tenderly.

Lin had approached his namesake and the dog wagged his tail, dropping his bone before his feet to share.

Caressing both the dogs, he sat down and felt at ease, at home, happy and almost drunk with giddiness as he looked upon the man he would make his very own holding the beautiful flowers he had given him.

“So…that’s us, huh?” Jonathan could see a lot of himself in the big, hulking retriever sitting in front of him, eying him curiously but with a certain amount of suspicion.

“I’m so sorry.” Catherina gasped, ashamed and proud of the dogs at the same time.

“They usually are very good dogs, a bit wild, but gentle and loving.” Caleb intervened and as if to prove his master right, Groff came forward and licked Jonathan’s hand.

There was no way to not love the dogs, just as there was no way not to love the men, Catherina thought to herself and led her little party into the dining room.

She had almost forgotten that it was her birthday the next day until Caleb, once the plates were cleared away, brought a huge, flat package into the room.

“I’m sorry, but this is for you. Welcome home, little sister.” He said and let it slide over the table towards Catherina.

“I don’t have your talent…or your style, but I think it’s time he goes.” He explained as she tore the brown parcel paper off and revealed a painting of herself, sitting on the floor, the two dogs sleeping upon her thighs. She looked over her shoulder as if someone had called her and the look on her face was one of surprise and warm welcome.

Catherina remembered the moment. She had been sitting on the floor, musing, caressing the dogs when Caleb had told her that her friends had left several messages on her phone.

“Take him down.” Caleb pleaded softly, laying one hand upon hers.

Catherina knew he was right, so she stepped into the hall, her friends following her and watching as she reached up to take down the portrait of her father.

Slowly, she turned around and made them look at the painting, only, no, she made the painting look at them.

“Goodbye father. You were wrong, you know? See…these are my friends, these are people who will always be welcome in my home. So yes, for Elena’s sake, for Caleb’s sake, who knew and despised you, I shall say it out loud: I have opened my door to people of African and Latino descent, to people overtly homosexual, to women, to men, to my brother whom you could never take from me, I have done and I shall do so again. I wish I hadn’t waited until it was too late to share this with you. Forgive me father, forgive me for not having shared with you, my only parent, what has made me rich and happy beyond your money and your gifts.”

She sighed and turned to the stairs to bring her father to the attic where all the forgotten and outdated things went.

Elena held her back, laying one hand on the canvas, and speaking in a clear and loud voice: “Goodbye old man. I am all of these things, I am a Puerto Rican lesbian and I wish, if only for her sake, that you could have accepted all these things. Goodbye, may God have mercy upon your soul.”

Caleb joined them and murmured: “Goodbye, to you who has never been a father to me. Bane of the lonely life of a small boy. Goodbye and may you find pity. I do pity you for sure, because you have never known the depths of goodness and succour Catherina is capable of. May you rest in peace.”

Catherina smiled, thankful, and went to lay her father to rest for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you enjoyed this :)
> 
> Keep leaving signs, they make my day <3


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello...Today, a little chapter about the real-life-consequences of dreams and ideas...
> 
> And about fear...
> 
> Enjoy

21

“He sounds like a nasty piece of work, Catherina’s father, that is.” Lin mumbled into his tea.

They had just gotten home from Catherina’s after an emotional evening.

“He sure does. Do you think she believed us?” Jonathan tried to take off his shoes without undoing the laces all the way, which proved to be more difficult than anticipated, which made Lin laugh.

They had made Catherina believe that they’d have a small get together before the first big dress rehearsal the following day. Of course, it was a surprise birthday party for her, but she seemed oblivious to that.

“Did you know that she was part indigenous?” Lin prompted and Jonathan shook his head.

It was only upon seeing Caleb that he had realised what had been so exotic about Catherina and indeed, her mother, a French-Canadian had been part indigenous and that’s where she had gotten those huge, black almond eyes from. Her brother had the high, well-defined cheekbones and the darker skin as well, but Catherina only carried the hint, the suspicion of something exotic in her complexion.

How her father must have made her suffer for it.

“He was a racist, I guess.” Jonathan said as an answer to his own thoughts.

“He WAS. Catherina told me that up to his death, he thought that it should be allowed to shoot dogs and blacks on sight. And fags of course.” There was a bitterness in Lin’s tone that was so uncharacteristic that it made Jonathan look up sharply.

“Apart from being a shit human being, can you imagine what that does to a person? I mean, Catherina is clearly somehow involved with our favourite Latina ballerina. How much must it have cost Catherina to let us into her life? She could have become the same sort of bigot.”

Catherina had admitted as much; that it had been a possibility, a danger and that, if it hadn’t been for Elena, her brother and her love for showtunes and Broadway, it might very well have ended like that.

“Are you afraid of that?” Lin wrapped his arms around Jonathan.

He would have been lying if he said that there hadn’t been nasty messages and comments, that he had never been mindful of his safety and that it didn’t ever bother him. He looked the part of a strapping, hetero lad and he had tried his hardest to pretend many a time.

“Sometimes. But then again, my lifestyle is definitely worth it.” He replied in a flat voice, hugging Lin to himself more forcefully than strictly necessary.

“I hate the idea of you being scared or in danger.” Lin sighed and rubbed his cheek against Jonathan’s chest.

That was another point he would have to think about, Jonathan thought, being in a homosexual relationship was still a factor of danger and it could hurt his career, his soul and even his body.

He had grown used to it, but he didn’t want that kind of nastiness for Lin and he knew he couldn’t avoid it, except by keeping it quiet.

“Maybe you shouldn’t shout from the rooftops that you’re courting me. It attracts attention.” He pondered out loud and yelped when Lin’s head snapped back and hit his chin hard.

“No, fuck those people. I am proud of my courtship. I am not about to go sneak around for the sake of little shits like that. No way.”

Lin looked at him steadily, Catherina and her bravery had inspired him and even though he knew that he’d have to talk to Vanessa, he was too old to go hide in dark corners to kiss his partner be that a woman or a man.

“It might hurt your career.” Jonathan interjected, playing the devil’s advocate, deadly afraid that he could dissuade Lin and ruin his chances of getting what he dreamt of for so long.

“Jon, I MADE my career. I’ve already overcome being a minority and I’ve never been leading man material anyway, so I wouldn’t worry about that too much. And I’m not about to be some promiscuous man-whore either, this is not about hedonistic deviancy, it’s about being with someone who’s made me happy and being happy for a long time to come. Surely nobody can be opposed to that?”

His hands curled around Jonathan’s face and pulled it down gently.

“I have made up my mind and you know how persistent I am once that is done. Nothing and no-one shall dissuade me except you. So if you want to be courted by me, the rest of the world can go to hell.”

Pressing his lips upon Lin’s in an effort to express a gratitude and a love that defied words, Jonathan felt relieved and safe.

“I do. I love the flowers, it was so…nice.” He whispered breathlessly against Lin’s lips.

“We’ve known each other for a long time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to go through the motions. You deserve the best of the best, a real courtship, and I intend to pull all the stops to get you.”   
Feeling giddy and guilty at the same time, Jonathan sighed, for he was his already, irrevocably, undeniably, uncompromisingly his and he didn’t need any of this.

“Understand me. I want to do this. I need to do this for you. You deserve this and I know you have a tendency to sell yourself short, but you deserve to be romanced for a part of you still doesn’t believe me.”

He wanted to believe, but it was dangerous and already, his heart was racing and his insides were twisting with anticipation and something deeper, more insidious and far more dangerous than simple infatuation.

“I will win that part over.” Lin proclaimed, put his mug in the sink and stretched out his hand to take Jonathan’s on their way over to the bathroom.

_And what will I do once it’s won over? _

Jonathan hated himself for being that reticent, but there was much on the line for him and his heart had been broken one too many times for him to plunge headfirst into another doomed love story.

They brushed their teeth, put their clothes in the washing machine and the mundanity of the chores, accomplished together, lulled Jonathan into a feeling of security.

This fell away in the blink of an eye as Lin slipped out of his clothes, piling them in a messy heap at the end of the bed, looking Jonathan straight in the eye as he discarded his underwear as well and slipped into the bed.

“You are hell-bent on making this as hard as it possibly can be, huh?” Jonathan croaked, his blood fleeing from his brain into other regions.

Lin looked up at him, the very picture of startled innocence, aspirating: “Why? Me? Are you saying I could lead you to temptation? Is that it?”

The tiny mischievous smile blossoming on his face was giving Jonathan the shivers, so he shrugged, got rid of his clothes, turned off the light and climbed into bed as well.

“You will be the death of me. I think I’ve already said that, huh?” He murmured, feeling Lin’s warm body press against his, tangling his finger in the other man’s hair to get a steady hold on something while the room was spinning around him.

“I just want you to kiss me like I’m pretty.” Lin said in a mock-girly voice, but the need behind those words was barely disguised by this little feint.

Instead of answering, Jonathan hooked a finger under his chin, tilting it upward until it shone white in the pale moonlight filtering through the carelessly pulled curtains, looking indeed pretty and vulnerable. Lin’s eyes were dark pools of secrets yet untold and they beckoned, luring Jonathan until he was unable to withstand the draw any longer and fell into the kiss as a sailor might drop into the roiling sea.

Small, gurgling sounds escaped Lin’s throat as he surrendered to the hunger and the urge of this kiss.

He had never felt prettier or more wanted in his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what I'm about to say, so I'll can it for today :D


	22. 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, today we'll hear Vanessa again.
> 
> Also, this is the start of smut...So if you're faint-hearted, read no more.
> 
> Please leave a comment or a Kudo or a bookmark or anything if this was not terrible, because this is the moment where I am no longer sure if I want to keep posting this kind of slightly dirty chapters...
> 
> Enjoy

22

Alright, now they were spooning. Jonathan wished he had hung a huge cross in his room so as to find solace in the Lord’s miserable face.

He could feel the warmth of Lin’s body seep into his skin and the concentrated patch of pure heat where his ass touched the parts of Lin, he couldn’t bear to think about was about to set his whole body on fire. He could literally feel Lin’s pulse in the twitching movements, as if his penis knocked on the door to be let in. Sweet Mother of Christ, he had to stop thinking about this or he wouldn’t sleep a wink the whole night.

“Jon? Are you dead? You’re not breathing.” Lin teased, kissing the back of his neck in a featherlight manner.

“No.” Jonathan grumbled, no, to all of these. He was very much alive as his racing heart and burning skin could testify.

“You keep those hands to yourself.” He hissed as he heard and felt movement behind him.

“What do you mean with “those hands”?” Lin cooed softly.

Positively snarling now, Jonathan failed to find the words to describe what he meant for a moment, then mumbled into his pillow:

“You’re so…talkative. Your hands speak, flying in front of you like another voice and I can’t stop hearing you. Those hands that shape wonders in words and music. Those restless hands, always moving, always transforming, always seeking.”

And, as an insurgency against Jonathan’s words, Lin ran those exact hands down his spine, seeing with them more than speaking, but Jonathan’s skin heard and understood the meaning that hadn’t stirred the motionless air in the room with a single note.

“Why are you so tense?” Lin giggled behind him, still running his palms up and down his back. By now, Jonathan was sweating profusely and shuffling around on the mattress, unsure if he was trying to get away from Lin or scoot over closer against him.

“Jon? Talk to me?”

Wasn’t he the one who should guide Lin through the steps? Why did he feel like he had never done this before?

“You…this…You said you didn’t know what this would look like but right now, it seems like you know exactly what you’re doing.” Jonathan sounded almost accusingly.

“I guess I’ll just go with what feels good. Does this feel good to you?”

Jonathan wanted to growl, wanted to moan, wanted to break into song, but he stayed silent for lack of an appropriate reaction.

“I know, I can be a lot. Tell me when I’m too much.” Lin now said, softer, gentler than before, all playing having gone from his tone.

“Stay with me.” Jonathan answered, let his own hand curl around Lin’s thigh and closed his eyes in a silent prayer either for reprieve or for relief, he wasn’t quite sure himself.

“’Nessa?” Lin sat in the empty living room after having woken up entangled in Jonathan, his hands on the other man’s legs, their bodies melted together in a kind of comfort he hadn’t known he’d missed.

“What the fuck? It’s 4 in the morning. Has something happened?” The sleepy voice of his wife sounded through the phone, aggravated but intent.

“No…” Vanessa could hear that he was in a room, so he was not outside, he had not had a car accident and he was not tumbling out of a bar drunk.

The penny dropped.

“Groff.” A single word, a sword cutting through the veil between them.

“Yes…Nothing has happened as yet…but it will and I want you to know.”

She sighed: “I always knew. Just as you’ve always known, darling.”

He had never been one for asking permission or forgiveness, he was upfront and she loved that about him.

“What do you want me to say?” She asked, honest, probing what he needed to hear from her.

“That…that you won’t hate me. That you won’t take the kids from me. That…it will be okay somehow and that…”

To other people, it might have sounded absurd that he was asking for her blessing but other people didn’t know them and Vanessa thought of Catherina and her enormous strength.

“We will be okay. I want you to be happy. We’ll always be friends, the kids will always be our kids. Now, go back to bed and worry less. You worry too much, work too much, you run yourself to the ground, love. All will be well. I’m proud of you.” A weight was lifted from her but in lifting, it tore a piece of her out and an empty feeling settled between her heart and her stomach. This might be the end of her marriage, the end of her fairy-tale dream and yet, maybe it was only the beginning of a new story.

“Thank you. I want to do the right thing.” Lin sounded desperate now, wracked with guilt and determination at the same time.

“I know, baby, but you do the right thing for yourself for once, hmm? You’ve always grabbed your chances with two hands, carved opportunities out of thin air, made things possible that had been unimaginable until that moment. Don’t stop now. You’ve got this.” It felt weird to push one’s own husband to an affair, to make him leave for someone else, but after all these years, Vanessa felt like she owed him this much.

“Take it easy on him, though. You can be quite…overwhelming.” She went on with a soft chuckle that her husband returned, wryly.

While Lin crawled back into bed, Catherina slung her arms around Elena who was, once again, curled up in a ball against her.

Immediately, she unfolded, sighing in the embrace, taking Catherina’s hands to hold them softly.

Freeing one hand, Catherina ran it along Elena’s side, just to know what it felt like and her palm started to tingle upon that smooth, warm skin.

She had always admired Elena’s body, strong and lean, discreetly muscled and soft at the same time and many a time, she had wondered what it would feel like to run her palms over the small, firm breasts or to plunge her fingers in the warm, silken space between her legs.

“You can touch me, you know?” Elena murmured, still half asleep, taking Catherina’s hand once again and placing it on her right breast.

It was warm and smooth and Catherina brushed her palm over it, lightly grazing her long fingernails over the nipple until it pushed out against her fingertips.

Softly moaning, Elena turned around, offering both her breasts up for the exploring touch of her friend.

Catherina didn’t care about anything in this moment, it was the middle of the night, she was 30 years old today and she let go of her fear. She let both her hands fall on the chest of her friend, stroking, poking, caressing lightly until Elena was writhing under the sheets.

“Don’t stop.” She begged, burying both her hands between her legs, touching herself with determination as Catherina twisted her nipples tentatively between her fingers.

Letting all restraint fall from her, Catherina bend down, sucking on of those hard, pearly gems and Elena let loose a tiny cry of relief.

Caleb was sleeping just across the hall, but neither of them cared, as Elena bucked under the feeling, the scent of her arousal slowly seeping into the room.

Giving the neglected nipple her full attention, Catherina slipped her hand over Elena’s, caressing her thighs and increasing the pressure on Elena’s hands.

Flinging her whole body up in an elegant arch, Elena came with a shuddering sigh that didn’t betray the screaming and whooshing inside of her mind.

Catherina smiled in the dark and pulled her still trembling friend into an embrace that spoke of love and devotion and something much darker and wilder.

I’ll make this birthday worth your while, Elena thought, before falling asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...terrible or not?
> 
> I count on you, dear readers...


	23. 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...today the first birthday chapter
> 
> Enjoy

23

“Where have you been?” Jonathan opened one eye.

“I called Vanessa. She knew this was going to happen. She has a right to know that it will.”

Lin eased himself back into the bed, feeling cold and forlorn, seeking the warmth of this other body in the darkness.

Of course, he would talk to his wife, Jonathan thought, surprised and relieved that it hadn’t ended in bitter tears and accusations.

“Go back to sleep, handsome. All is okay. Tomorrow, there’ll be a party and I shall ask you to dance. Will you say yes?” Lin’s bodyless voice floated like a dream in the room.

“Yes. Of course. I’m looking forward to it.” Jonathan yawned, pulled that freezing body closer against his and went back to sleep.

To the sounds of “When will my life begin?”, Catherina did her morning run and looked out of the huge bay windows, wondering if she had only dreamt the occurrences of last night.

Her body felt languid, heavy and still almost painfully awake this morning.

“Hello gorgeous.” Caleb strolled in, a cup of coffee in his hand, and watched her run rhythmically.

“Hi bro.” She smiled at him and he noticed that her dazzling smile was back.

“So…Happy Birthday.” He ducked even though there was nothing that she could have thrown at him, but when he looked up, she only shrugged.

“Thank you, I guess.”

He wanted to tell her about the party so badly because he was, himself, so much looking forward to it, but he bit his tongue.

“Here you are.” Elena came in as well, her hair a tousled mess and her body scantily clad.

“Hi precious. How are you today?”

She nodded at Caleb and grabbed Catherina as she stepped from the treadmill, pushing her against the machine and kissing her hungrily.

“Happy Birthday my love.” She hummed against Catherina’s lips, a deep, low rumble from within her throat.

“Thank you, Lena. It might indeed be a happy one.” Because nobody knew so nobody could forget.

She went down to get a cup of coffee for herself and kissed Elena goodbye as she went to rehearsals.

“See you tonight.”

Catherina went for a walk with the dogs and mused about how strange it felt not to go to the theatre today. At least not during the daytime. She had a lot of things to do though, people to call, letters to write, but somehow, she felt a tinge of longing for that place she’d normally visit.

She had grown used to it, to the smells and the grunts and the people. She stopped dead in her tracks, she had grown used to the people.

“I am indeed healing. Who would have thought?” She said to the dogs who wagged their tails happily, more at her smile than at her words but she’d take it anyway.

By the time she sat in her bathtub, rubbing the foam all over her skin, she felt calmer than she had in a very long time, reading a book and looking forward to seeing her friends perform this night.

It might indeed become a very good birthday, she told herself and sunk back under the surface of the water, blowing bubbles and feeling like a child again.

Jonathan’s head hit the wall behind him with an inelegant smack as Lin pushed him into the shadows, covering his mouth with his own.

“Ouch. And…again” Jonathan moaned softly, pulling Lin back into his arms and kissing him languidly.

“Hmmm, you look gorgeous today.” Lin purred at his throat, brushing his palms up his ribcage.

Jonathan once again wondered if Lin had really never done this before, because he was – without a doubt – very good at it. Hollywood had nothing on the truth of this sprightly body, pressed closed upon his own, moulding his every curve and angle. Maybe, it wasn’t as well-timed and it certainly didn’t look as Diney-perfect, but to Jonathan, it couldn’t have been better.

“See you in a few. It’s your turn. Positions, Groff.” Lin smiled and shoved Jonathan towards the stage, patting his ass in passing and giggling when Jonathan hissed at the sudden touch.

The notes, the words, the movements, everything seemed lighter and easier to Jonathan today.

He was looking forward to the party, to Catherina’s look, to Lin’s kisses. Pinching his own arm, just under the shoulder, as hard as he could, he made a last effort to wake up from this dream and when nothing happened and he was still standing in the middle of the stage, he grinned like a schoolboy and ran to catch up with Lin to go get a quick shower before the show-down.

Meticulously, Catherina slung the pearls around her neck and slipped into the long, dark red evening dress she had chosen for tonight. Looking at herself in the mirror, she saw her mother’s eyes and her father’s skin, she saw a woman looking much younger than she was, she was the sister and friend more than the daughter. She put on make-up, carefully, brushed her short, dark hair with vigour and put on the black high heels standing at the foot of her bed.

30, dignified, grown-up, she told herself, but the smile, that giddy smile, wouldn’t leave her face while she completed the jewellery, the expensive pearl drops hanging from her ears and the gold and mother-of-pearl watch her husband had bought her for their 5 years anniversary.

“I am more than the sum of my parts.” She encouraged herself and opened the door.

“You look gorgeous.” Caleb was stunned, he had seen his sister in dresses before, but he had never once looked upon that quiet grace, that muted joy or the way she held her head high under the soft light of the candelabra.

“So do you, brother.” She replied and straightened the collar of his pristine white dress-shirt.

He was a tall man, fit, broad-shouldered, smouldering. Wearing that black tuxedo, he looked like a hero from a novel but all she could see was the boy who had drawn pictures for her and who’d taught her how to ride a bike.

“Do me the honour?” He asked and held out his arm for her to hold on to.

At the foot of the stairs, Dolores stood with her camera, blinking away tears as she watched her little girl come down the stairs in such style and confidence.

“_Mija_…” She half-sighed, half-sobbed and pressed something into Catherina’s palm.

She opened her hand slowly and beheld a small cross hanging on a delicate necklace.

“It was my mother’s and I want you to have it.” Dolores said quietly and Catherina handed the necklace to Caleb so he could put it on her immediately.

“But…It will take away from the pearls. They’re glorious.” Dolores protested, but Catherina rubbed her thumb over the cross and beamed: “It is a most marvellous gift and I shall honour it. Never you mind the dumb pearls.” She kissed Dolores on both cheeks and gasped when she saw the limousine parked in the street.

“Milady?” Caleb presented her once again with his arm and led her to the car.

“I can’t wait…” Oak was jumping from one foot to the other in expectation of Catherina’s arrival.

“Calm your nerves.” Anthony laughed, but he was also looking up and down the street to not miss the moment the plot was beginning to unravel.

“Ah there she is. DAMN. Wow. Showtime.” Oak exclaimed as Catherina’s car arrived and she stepped out of it.

After blindfolding her, Catherina being inquisitive but not hostile or frightened, he reached down and lifted her up as if she weighed nothing at all.

“What exactly is going on?” She asked him, disoriented by the rocking gait and the sound of doors opening and closing.

“You’ll see.” He couldn’t help gloating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would still very much appreciate footsteps in your wake ;)


	24. 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Character-development chapter

24

Caleb went on stage and grabbed a mic while Oak set Catherina down in front of the stage, amongst her friends.

She gasped as she looked around herself, her lip quivered and then she toppled over, fell to her knees, burying her face in her hands and sobbing loudly.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” Caleb started when Lin and Elena had raised his sister up again and tucked her into a seat.

“My name is Caleb and I want to talk to you about my lovely sister tonight…but not only about her.

There’s a lot of things you don’t know about her and I shall tell you some of them. So, you might know that our mother died when she was 5, but what you might not know is that I have lived with her until that day. She was the loveliest baby and the sweetest toddler, she’d sing to me, dance with me, cry in my arms and sleep in my bed. I have loved her more than anything in my life and I wouldn’t wish the heartbreak I’ve experienced to my worst enemy.

You see, I was 10 years old when my mother died, and I was sent away from the one person I valued more than my own life. I cried myself to sleep for months, begging for my family to take me back to my baby sister, but they wouldn’t.”

He could almost see the old woman in his mind as she’d be sitting in a back row, wiping away tears. Aunt Imelda had had no choice, but she had never forgiven herself for the pain he had endured.

“My sister had lost her mother, her brother, her whole world in the span of a few days and she was left with the worst specimen of humanity I have ever encountered and ever shall.

You have no idea how sad she was. And then…she met Elena”, he raised his glass to her, “on a cold day. She would become and stay her guardian and best friend and from that moment on, her life became better.”

Caleb sighed as he forced himself to go on, raising his glass to the cast of Hamilton this time.

“You might find it strange, that I tell you all this, but my dear friends, you have to understand what Catherina means to me to be able to fathom how much I owe you.

A few years ago, she was slipping, she was dwindling, she was slowly fading away. I begged her to come to New York and I drove all the way here to come see Hamilton with her and Elena, I would have paid every dime I owned for those tickets.

You see…her father hated Broadway, hated musicals, hated the whole scene and we stole her away as often as we could for she has ever loved it. This show might have saved her, at least, it made her smile for real. So, tonight, I thank you. I thank you for your art, for keeping her alive, for she is everything to me.”

Holding back sobs, Caleb gulped down a few deep breaths.

“One last thing about my sister. It might seem easy to think that she’s a spoiled brat, but I can tell you, that until his death, her father had given her very little. AND STILL, and she’ll hate me for revealing this, she has handed over her allowance and her salary to support causes she thought right and worthy. My sister, daughter of a racist and a bigot, had secret fundraisers to help the victims of natural catastrophes, to help the poor and the underprivileged, to keep children in school, to get equal rights for people of all colours, genders, religions and sexual orientations. She went there herself, got her arm sliced open, sewed back shut and then went back to man stations handing out food and first-aid-kits.”

Lin slapped his hand against his forehead, that’s why her name sounded so familiar then.

“So no, baby girl, your daddy would not be proud of you tonight. He would despise you.

BUT, baby, I am. I have always been proud of you and always shall be.

Happy birthday to you. From the day they brought you home to this present day, you have been my light and my role model and I have hoped that you’d forget me so you wouldn’t feel the pain I felt, but…I remembered every moment with you when they took me away, so, I guessed you would too. I’m sorry. I shall never leave your side again, never. I promise.”

Catherina was sobbing into her hands while her friends tried to comfort her, handing her tissues and rubbing her back softly.

“Hush baby.” Elena whispered and hugged Catherina against her.

Someone cleared their throat and everybody looked up. On the stage, there was a handsome man, holding the microphone awkwardly and waiting for everybody to notice him there.

“Hello Cat.” He hugged Cal shortly and exchanged a knowing smile with him.

“I am the man who had the immense honour to be married to this woman.” He started, a gasp and a rumble of whispers went through the audience.

“They don’t know.” Catherina called to him.

“I thought so. Can I have the honour of telling them then?” He replied and after a long moment, Catherina nodded because she would probably never have the courage.

“Okay, so…I’ve just been divorced from Catherina but, God, the love we shared, that good, pure, deep love that is called friendship defies such notions and I’m thankful for that.

Listen here Cat, you know you have a right to 50 % of the business and I know you tried to waive that right. I refuse.”

Catherina’s eyes flew wide open, startled, confused.

“For administrative reasons, I concede that 50% is quite a lot, but let’s say you keep 30% ? And…I know that you have things in mind with that money, so here’s my birthday gift and my lifetime pledge to you: for every cent you put into that project, I shall put another one in. We were terrible as husband and wife, but I’d like to be your business partner in this.”

“WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?” Lin called, almost levitating on his seat from pure curiosity.

Cal joined Catherina’s ex-husband again and together they let their gaze wander across the room.

Cal started : “This event, these shows, they’re paid by us. By Catherina’s father’s funeral so to say. Rich people pour donations into accounts of other, deceased nonetheless, rich people and Catherina was so sick of it, that she decided to make generous donations to various charities, organisations and law projects. Moreover, she decided to have this fundraiser as a bridge to her bigger project.   
It makes me proud to be able to say that she made the best out of her father’s demise. He hated a good many people and Catherina has made it her life’s goal to reverse all of this, so she’s fighting poverty, inequality, discrimination and misery by trying to give those who are hungry, afraid, destitute and ill a better chance at life. You do me so proud, sister, I bow my head to you. I put us all to shame.”

“As for that big project”, Jeff went on seamlessly, “Catherina has decided to build a school for the arts, run on the money she gets from our divorce, a temple and a testament to YOUR talent for the generations to come. Music has kept her alive so many times and she wants that to be accessible to more people. Cal is right, she puts us all to shame and so I pledge to meet every expenditure she makes to achieve her goal. Maybe, she can clean her own name…and mine.”

The room was stunned into silence, one could hear single sobbing breaths drawn.

“You, who have made a career out of this, have inspired us. Catherina has overcome a lot of things, but she has also never been deaf to the pain of other people and we want to join her in her desperate dream of a world where the colour of the skin, the origin and the sexuality are no longer barriers to a successful life and career.

So, a toast to Catherina, a toast to dreams, a toast to you.

If this is to succeed, and Catherina made that very clear to us when she explained her plan to us, it is your victory as much as ours.”

Shame and pride battled in Catherina’s chest as her secret was finally out.

“You didn’t.” Lin gasped.

“She did.” Jonathan breathed.

“HOW?” Elena stammered.

“Because of you.” Catherina shrugged and once again, began crying violently.


	25. 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More tears...

25

“Baby, don’t cry.” Caleb pulled Catherina into his arms and rocked her slowly.

“I’ve missed you so much.” She sobbed against his neck and he shushed her the same way he had when she was a little girl.

“My turn.” Elena kissed her on her wet lips and climbed onto the stage, her knees trembling, and she struggled to catch her breath for a second.

“Erm hello friends. Hello Catherina.” She stopped for a second, seeking the eyes of the birthday girl.

“Let’s go on with the history lesson.” She chuckled, then went on, “I remember meeting you and I cannot believe we are here right now, alive. After all that has happened, after so many people dying, after so much pain and heartache, we’re here and we’re okay.

Happy birthday, my love, may it be the happiest one yet and a milestone for all the happiness to come.”

Elena choked a little on the tears she tried to fight.

“You know me, I’ll never be as rich as you or your family, but I can give you the very same thing I have always given you.”

Slowly spreading out her arms, Elena watched the curtain rise behind her and began to smile brightly.

“Catherina, ever lonely, look upon your friends who have prepared a little show just for you. To celebrate your birthday, to celebrate your life, to celebrate our friendship. Once again, all the best to you. I love you.”

And without further ado, Catherina sat through the most bizarre show she had ever seen with people singing and dancing, Jonathan playing the role of Angelica and Elena performing a beautiful ballet to “The Lonely”.

She tried not to cry because she didn’t want tears to take away a single second of this experience. Jeff sat next to her, nodding periodically and when the encore had come and gone and the people were trailing back out, he turned to her and admitted:

“You were right. You were ever right. You’ll change the future and erase your father from the pages of history. His name will pale compared to yours.”

He then got up and bowed deeply.

“I was wrong when I said that you are just like them. A misfit. I spoke in anger then and I know you remember because it made you cry at the time. You ARE just like them, a miracle, a flower growing through concrete and I am in awe of you.”

With that he pressed an envelope into her hand and left.

“What is it?” Elena leant over her shoulder, but Catherina let it fall to her seat, grabbed Elena with both her hands and kissed her fervently as if the room was empty around them.

“It was perfect.” She sighed against her friend’s lips and then kissed her again.

“I had help.” Elena admitted and ushered Lin and Jonathan forward.

“Oh how I love you all.” Catherina cried out and embraced all of them.

“Happy Birthday, Catherina.” Lin said and handed her a little box.

“Jon and I picked it for you.” He sounded like a very proud toddler and when Catherina opened the box, she found a small porcelain dog holding a fiddle in its muzzle.

As if she hadn’t cried enough, Catherina broke out in tears again, crying over the fact of having friends and getting small dogs and necklaces and songs.

“Now, there, there, little lady.” Oak gathered her up and cradled her like a baby.

Laughing and crying at the same time, she let her cheek rest against his chest, calmed by the steady beating of his heart.

After he let her down again, Catherina picked up the envelope and read the contents. It was a list of donations, made in her honour, by Jeff and Christelle.

“Wow, he must really believe in you.” Elena gasped when she read the list on which one could find many causes Jeff usually did not care about.

“I thought you were scared of black people?” Oak teased her after reading the list.

“I have been blessed. I have always been safe, I have always been privileged. My mother died in an accident, not in a storm, not on the street, not of abuse, not because she was not taken seriously at the police station or the hospital. I really hate death.”

Catherina sighed.

“I really, really hate death. And the mere idea of people dying unnecessarily because of violence, crime, discrimination, poverty or isolation is unbearable to me. I cannot live in a world where I could have done something and didn’t because I was told otherwise or because I was scared.”

“To you.” Jonathan raised his glass and clinked it against her own.

After everybody had calmed down and compliments had been exchanged, after the obligatory birthday-song and the dishing up of exquisite small snacks Caleb had ordered, Catherina could breathe for a moment.

It was the first birthday party she’d enjoyed since her mother’s death and she felt both hurt by her memories and strangely lightheaded because of the overflow of joy and love.

“I’m sorry. I knew, but I thought this could be good for you.” Caleb nudged her slightly and kissed the top of her head to apologize.

“It was perfect.” Catherina sighed and leant into his waiting arms.

“I’m very much looking forward to the actual dress rehearsal tomorrow.” He then said and went off to stalk some person that had caught his eye.

“Isn’t he cute?” Lin took Caleb’s place at her side and as Catherina turned around, she, of course, caught a glimpse of Jonathan telling a funny story to some other actors.

“Erm…yeah…I guess Groff is kind of cute?” Catherina laughed when she saw Lin’s indignant face. “I mean, yes, he’s absolutely heavenly.” She corrected herself but the warmth in her voice was real and honest.

“Sorry for being selfish, but he’s much harder to seduce than I would have thought.”

Frowning, Catherina tapped her lips with her finger and murmured: “Maybe you two should have a nice dance together?”

“In front of all of those people?” Lin sounded incredulous.

“Are you shy?” – “I’m not, but he might be.”

“Don’t grab his ass then?” Again, Lin looked at her as if she had proposed to set the Vatican on fire or something of that kind.

Clambering up the stairs to the stage, she cleared her throat and mumbled:

“As a thank you for this honestly wonderful surprise, I’d like to offer you a slow song to dance to, a lullaby I sang both Caleb and Elena over the phone, a song I had chosen for my own funeral but my birthday will also do.”

She chuckled and, only accompanied by herself on the piano, she sang “Hallelujah” for a group of people she barely knew, and it felt so right.

All her life, she had been shy about her singing, fearful about her drawing and silent about her desperate need to help people, but now that all her secrets were out in the open, what else had she to lose?

Engulfed in the emotion, she did not look at the crowd but soon, she could hear feet shuffling up the stairs and they might well have looked like ghosts, dancing on the empty stage to the thin, wailing voice of a woman who had cried and laughed too much in a single evening.

This was perfection.

“Will you do me the honour, my darling?” Lin reached his hand out to Jonathan who only hesitated the fraction of a second before taking that outstretched hand and joining in a dance he’d never thought he’d perform for real on a stage.

Life could be truly surprising sometimes.


	26. 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so today a chapter of fluff and smut...
> 
> I am still writing and I made it to chapter 47 or something like that, but as you might have noticed, I am less rigorous with posting...Apparently not a lot of people seem to be reading this either way, so I might just leave it at that and write for myself...

26

“So does this feel good to you?” Jonathan asked, remembering what Lin had said the night before.

“You always feel good to me. You feel like home.” Lin murmured so close to his skin that he could feel the vibration more than hear the words.

And at that exact moment, Jonathan realised that he had fallen far deeper, further, longer than he had expected and now he was waiting for a crash that didn’t come.

He also knew for a fact, that he wouldn’t be able to withstand Lin’s constant attacks upon his restraint much longer, everything in his body, in his mind, in his soul cried for relief.

“You are so tense…” He heard the hesitation, the doubt, the retreat in the words.

Shifting his stance, Jonathan let Lin feel the whole extent of the tension ripping his body apart at that very moment, in the middle of a crowd, during an emotional birthday party.

“I really, really want to touch you. May I?”

“Well, I think that might indeed shock our friends, don’t you?” Jonathan said with humour.

Grazing his neck with his fingers, nuzzling his throat with his face, Lin answered in his own way, pressing ever closer to the other man until they were barely dancing anymore.

“Go home.” Catherina whispered and they stopped, noticing all of a sudden that she was no longer singing and that people were starting to take their leave.

“Thank you so much for this. Now, go home and see where this leads you.” She smiled an understanding, an indulgent, a melting smile and Lin cocked one eyebrow at her.

Elena took her hand and led her from the theatre, leaving little room for interpretation.

“You look beautiful.” Lin sighed when Jonathan shrugged out of his shirt.

Raising his eyebrows, Jonathan sniffed at his armpits, decided he needed a shower and motioned to Lin to follow him.

As the steam filled the air, Jonathan tried to remind himself one last time of the risks, but his mind was dissolving in the dark eyes of the person facing him.

“Do you mind my lack of experience?” Lin asked as he handed the soap to Jonathan so he could wash his back once again.

“No.” Why would he mind? He would rediscover it with Lin, this would make it less profane, less careless, less boring.

“I really don’t want to mess this up.” A blush crept into Lin’s cheeks and Jonathan pulled him closer to kiss him gently, laying all his promises of trust and patience in this kiss.

“You won’t. You can’t.” He reassured him and just dwelled in the feeling of skin on skin, of warmth and steam and comfort.

“Now? May I, now?” Lin murmured and Jonathan knew what he meant and could only nod in answer, holding his breath, impatient and curious to see what kind of move Lin would choose.

Putting both his hands on Jonathan’s chest, Lin took a deep breath, steadying his own nerves and gulping down a sort of stage-fright yet unknown to him. His eyes held Jonathan’s gaze, gauging his reaction as Lin slowly dragged his palms down his body at a torturously slow pace.

Flaring out, he stopped, his hands resting on Jonathan’s hips.

“Last chance to throw me out and send me back home.” He warned.

Jonathan had forgotten how to speak, so he just shook his head and waited.

Still staring blindly into the other man’s eyes, Lin pulled his hands together until they met, trembling, somewhere close beneath Jonathan’s navel.

He pressed both his hands flat against his stomach, focusing on how Jonathan’s eyes seemed to cloud over, become ever darker and then, with an almost sharp motion, Lin let his hands slide down.

He knew penises, God, he had one himself, but he had never thought about any one of them so fucking much to the point that he was virtually afraid of looking at it.

The soap slipped out of Jonathan’s hands and landed with an unheard thud on the floor, unheeded by both men.

“You’ll tell me if I’m doing this all wrong?” Lin pleaded, his voice thick with anguish and lust.

Again, all Jonathan could do was shake his head, maybe to clear the red mist that was making cobbling together coherent thoughts increasingly difficult, maybe to answer this ludicrous question.

He had been right to distrust those hands though, Jonathan thought through the haze, they were too agile, too sensitive, too amazing.

Lin was now playing him like he’d play an unfamiliar instrument, stroking, caressing, trying weight and texture with those mobile fingers and it was so much, too much and yet not enough.

Grunting, Jonathan wanted to push against Lin’s hand, wanted to shove his whole body against his, but he forced himself to stand still and give Lin the time he needed to ease into the situation.

“Jon, I’m serious. Some kind of feedback would be really helpful?”

Uttering an inarticulate sound somewhere between a grunt and a moan, Jonathan gritted his teeth in an effort to keep the upper hand in this.

If he had really thought, that Lin would ease into this, he had forgotten all he knew about the man, for this one reaction was all the encouragement it took for Lin to practically ram him into the wall behind him, running his fingers all along his balls and his cock in a dazzling whirl of sensations.

Although he was taller, Jonathan seemed held up solely by this small area of frantic contact and his knees threatened to give way under him as he allowed himself to sink into the feelings of arousal and lust.

And then, Lin’s hands were back on his neck, on his arms, on his ribcage. Kissing Jonathan’s throat, his clavicula, every single spot in reach and Jonathan was transfixed by the exploration that was taking place, unable to move or to speak while the loss of direct stimulation was wreaking havoc in his stomach.

“Tell me what you want?” Lin prompted in a voice that sent shivers down Jonathan’s spine.

Lin was enjoying this, he was no longer in the role of the ingenue, he knew exactly what he was doing to Jonathan and he loved it.

Groaning in despair, Jonathan tilted his hips up, against Lin’s, not caring for the risk of a gruesome and embarrassing accident in the shower that would make the headlines of all the newspapers.

Positively humming, Lin swirled his hips in a slow, seductive manner and every time his cock brushed against Jonathan’s, the hum grew deeper, more savage, and Jonathan wanted to scream in agony but wouldn’t have moved if his very life had depended on it.

“Darling, maybe we should wash and take this to the bed?” Lin smirked and took a step back so suddenly, that Jonathan would have toppled over if he hadn’t gripped Lin’s shoulders.

“How am I doing so far?” Lin asked innocently as he worked shampoo into his hair as if he had not driven Jonathan to the edge of insanity only a moment prior.

“You will be the death of me.” Jonathan gasped, his breathing irregular, the fire in his veins burning so bright that he was sure of being a deep shade of red all over.

A dazzling smile and another not so accidental touch from Lin who seemed well pleased with his actions up to that point.

In his whole life, Jonathan had never showered so quickly and he jumped into bed, still dripping wet, panting, impatient.

Lin was leaning against the doorframe, unashamed as ever, stark naked, looking just as aroused as Jonathan felt and smiled.

“So, my pretty boy, what now?”


	27. 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a chapter of pure sex :)
> 
> Well, not really, but almost...

27

Unable to still his trepidation, Jonathan stretched out both his hands, beckoning Lin to step closer, to bring that skin within reach so he could revel in it, drown in it.

“Whatever you want.” He murmured as Lin joined him, sitting down on top of him, straddling him as if he had never done anything else in his life.

“I’ve been thinking about this for the longest time, you know?” Lin hummed, trailing one finger along Jonathan’s sternum tenderly.

“Really?” Caught between blinding lust and the need to know, Jonathan struggled to focus on those words his heart and soul needed so much.

“Hmmm…actually, since this is a night for history lessons…part of me thought about it from the very first day I’ve met you onwards. You are gorgeous.”

And as the light from some forgotten room illuminated Jonathan’s eyes, Lin was reminded of that man, so much younger and yet still the same, standing in the sun and smiling coyly at him. So many things had happened since, his children, Catherina, everything swam together in a whirl of emotions and he wanted to cry in gratitude for the life he had led and the situation he was presently in.

Jonathan wasn’t really convinced of being gorgeous, but how he wanted to believe these words from this naked, fantastic creature who made his blood boil and his heart sing.

Leaning forward, Lin kissed him, sweetly, the way he would have kissed Jonathan that very first day when his present success was a dream not yet hatched.

But they were children no more and the years of loose and tight friendship, of dressing rooms, of internet-famous kisses, of songs and random touches had changed things, so Jonathan buried both his hands in Lin’s hair, pulling him closer, bringing up his knees to trap him, to hold him.

“God, I’ll never get you close enough, not even if I ate you whole.” Jonathan growled, letting go of the bonds years of self-denial had wound around him.

Running his hands erratically over Lin’s chest, his ribs, his back, he groaned in frustration. Why did he only have two hands?

He wished they were big enough to scoop Lin up and cradle him, to feel all of his body at the same time.

“Oh, baby, I shall be here for a long time.” Lin shushed him, pacifying the frantic need that had driven Jonathan, kissing him again slowly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Shame tinged Jonathan’s voice now.

“You didn’t. I feel the urgency as well, but I need to tell you, this is but the first night of many for us. You hold me like you’re afraid that I’d dissolve into thin air…I won’t. I promise.” And Lin meant it, he wanted to be here forever, Jonathan’s legs pressed against the small of his back, his warmth seeping into his own legs, between, beyond, making him dizzy with anticipation.

Reaching behind himself, uncaring for how silly it might look, Lin started caressing Jonathan again, moving slowly and purposefully now.

His gaze locked upon Jonathan’s face, Lin understood that he needed to see him. Everything about this was new, there was no inch of his mind that he could let slip away to fiddle with other ideas, on the contrary, he was painfully focussed on those closed lids, on every line on that beautiful face as he moved his hand leisurely up and down, gauging size and girth as if he was a blind man first introduced to something other than himself.

“Look at me.” He begged, Jonathan’s eyes flying open, unseeing, distraught.

“That’s it. Look at me. Stay with me.” Unconsciously, he repeated his own words back to him, never staying his hand while drowning in the surrender he wouldn’t have thought Jon capable of. At least not that quickly.

Nonetheless, Jonathan was staring up at him, wide-eyed and panting and Lin had never seen anything nearly as beautiful in his whole life. He was reminded of his wedding night though and he knew instinctively, that this was one of those moments that could completely change a life and make it unrecognizable.

A low hum filled the room and it took a moment for Lin to realize that Jonathan was breathing his name like a prayer, softly, rhythmically, beautifully.

Catherina was raw, her heart and soul had been turned inside out and she didn’t care for conventions or traditions or her former life. Not today. Not on her birthday.

So, she started undressing Elena at the door, tearing roughly at her clothes and when her friend chuckled and said she’d have to take a shower first, Catherina went to her room and ripped the blanket and the pillows from the bed, throwing them on the hardwood floor carelessly.

“Woah, slow down, baby.” Elena chuckled, lifting up the puddle on the floor that was Catherina’s dress and putting it on the naked, almost vulnerable looking bed.

Letting both her hands slide down Catherina’s arms, she pulled her into a languid kiss, pressing her lips just under Catherina’s left ear gently.

Then she hooked her fingers under the strapless bra and let it fall in the matter of seconds, well aware of the workings of female underwear.

“Let me look at you.” She purred and did, she feasted her eyes on the body before her, trailing her hands where her eyes had just been a second prior and then letting her lips follow her hands.

Catherina had always been a cold person on the surface, controlled, shy, but Elena knew that she harboured a secret fire in her heart.

Shuddering, Catherina arched her back, pushing against Elena’s hands, against her lips leaving a burning trail on her skin.

“I worship you.” Elena whispered as she plunged her hand under the silken undergarment Catherina was wearing, closing it against the soft mound, running her fingertips along the slit that she was not yet ready to part.

From the small surprised gasp coming out of Catherina’s mouth, Elena could tell that she had never been touched like that and she wanted more of those tiny sounds.

Laying her friend softly on the heap of blanket and pillows, Elena revelled in the sight. Catherina was propped up on her elbows, shining pearly white in the moonlight falling through the window above her and her eyes were huge, black pits of greedy lust.

“Open up for me, baby. This will be different from what you know. Let me know if you have questions or if you feel uncomfortable.” Elena said, her voice already thick with her own desire, but this was not about her, this was about Catherina and her introduction into a world she had never known she had a place in.

Once again, Elena started at Catherina’s throat, kissing the pulsing artery and cupping her breasts gently before rubbing her palms over them tentatively.

Fighting down the urge to be rough, to find a quick, much waited for and much deserved release in this body that had been out of reach for so long, Elena forced herself to be gentle and move slowly.

She caressed, tested, nipped and sucked at Catherina’s skin until it was flushed and the only sound in the room were the almost catlike moans coming out from between Catherina’s parted lips.

Only when she saw, felt, smelt that Catherina would be ready for this, Elena pulled down the underwear and threw it over her shoulder without even caring where it would land.

“As you know, I lack one vital organ, but I’ll make it up to you, baby.” She sighed, breathing in the aroma of lust that risked destroying her resolve.

“I don’t…I…This…It has never happened before.” Catherina informed her in a low, breathless voice.

“All the better. Lean back, relax. It will be alright.” Elena promised, steeled her nerves and plunged down between Catherina’s thighs, kissing the sensitive skin on the inside of her legs before laying her lips on that pair of lips that she had never before seen up close.

Catherina was now trembling, her whole body tense and strung up like a bow.

“Relax.” Elena repeated before darting her tongue out and losing herself in the reverie that she had conjured up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the dear reader for another Kudo...It's not a very enthralling story and I'm sorry about it, but thank you for everybody who reads and likes my long ramblings...
> 
> Stick with me, please? Let me hear you?


	28. 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:  
This is just SMUT. If you don't enjoy smut, please skip the chapter.
> 
> If you do, I have to admit that these chapters are few and far in between as they are very hard to write for me. 
> 
> Either way, I'm sorry...

28

This was insane, he was a married man, Lin thought but the words swam away in his mind no matter how hard he tried to hold on to them.

He didn’t mean to be a tease, not absolutely at least, but he had untightened his grip around Jonathan’s cock again, to run his hands flat over his abdomen, recollecting all the times dress-shirts and regular shirts had been riding up revealing just a tiny ribbon of tender, pale flesh.

Never had he been aware of his own noticing so intently what he had been looking at.

He climbed off and smiled as Jonathan groaned in distress at the loss of his weight atop him.

“I have a lot of memories about you…and you are beautiful in all of them.” Lin spoke to himself just as much as to Jonathan saying his, thinking out loud, with his hands still running up and down Jonathan’s body.

“Yeah, well, likewise.” Jonathan chuckled and dared rubbing his hand over Lin’s shoulder, tracing the bones with his fingers all the way to the other shoulder.

“Yeah? I…Well, I didn’t think I’d be your type.” Lin replied awkwardly, leaning eagerly into the affectionate caress.

“Heterosexual and married? Naaa, usually not.” The words were out of his mouth before Jonathan could stop himself.

“Yeah well…I think that ship has sailed.” Lin laughed gleefully, spreading featherlight kisses over Jonathan’s stomach and hips.

Jonathan’s mind was reeling, what was going on here? One minute, Lin was touching him in that remarkably tender and concentrated way and then they were back to teasing, to cuddling, to having those flirty but vulnerable conversations and now, words and thoughts were bleeding out of his skull again as Lin’s mouth moved over his body.

He wanted to stop him, to make him slow down, ponder his options, he was afraid Lin would overexert himself or do something that was too much for him at this present moment.

But as Lin’s lip closed around him and the wet warmth of his mouth met his flesh, all he could do was gasp and moan and stutter Lin’s name.

After all, he was just a man despite all the talk he projected as a defensive mechanism and he wanted this, wanted to lose himself in the soft sucking motion and the light touch on his balls.

Tears of relief sprang to his eyes, but he forced himself to push himself up to get a look upon Lin’s face, to check on him, to make sure he wasn’t going farther than he wanted to.

Jonathan was startled to see Lin’s eyes open and focussed upon his own face, a gleam in his eyes that spoke of enjoyment and something much darker and more primitive.

Feeling fragile, exposed and vulnerable, Jonathan stretched out his hand to Lin and caressed his cheek, his neck, whatever he could reach folded over like that.

Hadn’t he been planning to show the ropes to Lin? How had he become the hapless victim of a seduction so powerful and complete that it left his mind shattered and his body twitching helplessly?

“Too close.” He moaned, pushing Lin off and catching his breath.

He had no idea what was happening to him, but he thirsted for Lin’s skin like for water after a marathon in the desert, so, he kissed him, tasting his own desperate need on Lin’s lips.

It’s his turn to touch Lin, his lover, gentler this time, less desperate. Jonathan was in no rush, running his hands up and down Lin’s ribcage, teasing, asking for permission.

They were kneeling face to face, chest to chest and Jonathan tilted Lin back, in awe of his flexibility that would put Elena to shame as he came to rest in an arch so beautiful and alluring, that Jonathan thought for a moment that he might break just from looking at it.

Kissing every inch of skin he could lay his mouth upon, Jonathan clenched his fists just to make sure his hands were not cold…or burning.

This was a gift, it was a blessing and he would savour it. He pressed the palm of his hand against Lin’s cock, wrapping his fingers one at a time around it before ever releasing the tension in his wrist. The movement, when it came, was slow and still careful.

“I said this ship has sailed.” Lin moaned, clawing at the bedsheets underneath him.

“Hmmmm.” Jonathan smiled, he had to be sure, he didn’t want to be some kind of weird pervert who took advantage of someone else, of someone he cared so deeply for.

Once he had let go of that fear, Jonathan was in tune with Lin’s reactions, soaked in them, absorbing them in his body and mind as soon as they surfaced.

He collected every shiver, every moan, every sigh and tucked them away in his memory.

“May I?” He asked, hovering over Lin’s body, lips parted, eyes darting between Lin’s face and cock.

It was cute, Lin told himself, it was so sweet but it was also delusional. Clearly, he was into this, his whole body was putty in Jonathan’s hands and he couldn’t think of any other way of making it clearer.

“Do, for fuck’s sake, please.” Jonathan hadn’t waited for the curse and Lin finished his sentence with curses and pleas, random bits of prayers in Spanish and sounds that maybe weren’t actual words.

Later, he would think it unfair of Jonathan to have been able to finish this without Lin interrupting him, but then again, he had indeed more experience.

All he thought of in the very moment was how good it felt, how perfect it was and how he couldn’t even tell what was being done to him exactly. He didn’t care. Jonathan was touching him with one hand, the other one curled around the base of his cock and his mouth expertly working a length he didn’t even know he could reach.

That voice, that angelic voice, vibrated somewhere between Jonathan’s throat and Lin’s cock and even though there were no words, the whole world seemed to shudder in step.

And then all of a sudden, the world exploded, between Jonathan’s hollow cheeks and his curling tongue and his deft fingers swirling from his asshole to his balls and then around them and…Lin screamed, a guttural sound of victory and falling at the same time, loud and clear, while his body writhed in waves that threatened to swallow him whole.

He wanted to say thank you, he wanted to express how amazing he felt, he wanted to say so many things and all that came out of Lin’s mouth was : “Will you fuck me? For real?”

Jonathan gulped, forcing himself to go on breathing, but Lin chased that first question with “Will you let me fuck you?” and Jonathan had to start counting his breaths from the beginning.

“Yes and yes. Someday…” He replied and still sounded choked although nothing was realistically impeding his air flow.

“Soon.” That one was not a question, it was a statement, it was a promise, it was a war cry.

Nodding helplessly, Jonathan looked at Lin, flushed and dishevelled, an air of contented satisfaction and happiness spreading over his face.

That was enough, Jonathan knew, it was a wonder, a miracle, a real blessing to see Lin that happy and relaxed and know that it was because of him.

“Naaaa, you don’t get away that easy.” Lin smirked when Jonathan closed his eyes to still the rushing of his breath and the pounding of his heart.

“So where was I?” Lin pretended to think about it before pinning Jonathan to the mattress, applying his whole body weight on his shoulders and slithering down the whole lengths of his body before coming to rest, both underarms supported by Jonathan’s thighs, in the spot where he longed to be.

This time, he would have to change his sheets, Jonathan thought hazily when his twitching hands found all the wet spots either one or both of them had left on the bed.

And just as he congratulated himself on that perfectly sound thought, it vanished as he was crushed by an orgasm that stormy and surprising that he could but gasp for air and whimper.

He had not seen it coming but minutes, hours, years of edging had taken their toll on him and he felt himself being crumpled into a tight ball of flesh in Lin’s hands before being blown up sky-high in the matter of seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Thanks for yet another Kudo (I always thank you in the next chapter I post, but I don't know if you're actually reading at the same pace at which I'm posting...so, if not...sorry again...
> 
> Let me thank alexxanderhamiltrash, Lehmis, BurrShotHam711, Lavorei, carolincrazy and two guests in this place. You made me go on, thank you so much...
> 
> In the hopes that other readers also find it within them to leave a trace, I wish you all the best...
> 
> Lots of love from me <3


	29. 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aftercare and the desperate yearning for new beginnings...and to go home...
> 
> Enjoy

29

“Not my best performance.” Jonathan tried to make light of it, but if anything, Lin looked even more contented with himself and the situation than before.

“Thank you. That was amazing.” Lin murmured, sleepy after all the exertion and the trauma that had been unveiled this evening.

“No, thank you. Let’s go to sleep, baby.” Jonathan replied and wrapped his arms around Lin.

To hell with the sheets, to hell with all of it, this was perfect and he would face all the consequences tomorrow, not now, not when Lin was falling asleep in his arms, satiated, fulfilled and his in a way he had never dared dream of.

Lin mumbled something Jonathan couldn’t understand, but in his own hazy state, he thought for a moment, that he spoke words of love.

“Well…” Catherina had stopped smoking years ago, but this night had deserved a cigarette.

She was sitting on the windowsill, stark naked, smoking and laughing softly.

“Hmmmm.” Elena strolled over and took a puff from the cigarette, rubbing her hands over Catherina’s flushed skin.

Only minutes ago, they had been pushing against one another, scratching, rubbing, touching each other in an intricate dance without any audible music.

Only minutes ago, they had given one another a series of orgasms, too many, too fast but after all these years, they had been insatiable once they got their hands on the other person.

“Are you okay?” Elena touched the bloody streaks on Catherina’s back where her nails had left their marks.

“I’ve never been better.” Catherina said and even though she was feeling sore and heavy, her skin burning and her legs weak with exertion, she wasn’t lying.

Tossing the cigarette out of the window, Catherina closed it with a muted bang and started heaving her blanket back on the bed.

“Come, let’s bask in the afterglow. You have a dress rehearsal tomorrow and I’ll have to pretend to be a good heiress.” It made her laugh to think about it.

“You are, you are the best heiress. You are mine.” Elena yawned and curled up into a ball, enclosed and protected by Catherina and for the first time in a long time, she fell asleep right away.

Jonathan woke up to his own phone vibrating on the nightstand and, bleary-eyed, he picked up. It was Catherina with yet another plan to which Jonathan could only say yes.

He woke Lin, who, clinging at him like a toddler, mumbled sweet pleas for a few more minutes.

“Nope, there’s a surprise waiting for you.” Jonathan whispered in his ear, nibbling at the lobe and seeing with satisfaction that Lin’s eyes flew open.

“A surprise?” He almost jumped out of bed, pulling the covers with him and dragging them through half of the room before he could untangle himself.

He was incorrigible, Jonathan thought lovingly as he put the blanket back and followed Lin into the shower.

It was different this time, Lin leaning against him and handing him the soap in a sort of domestic ritual that warmed both Jonathan’s heart and blood.

After what had happened during the night, Jonathan felt just a tad awkward, not sure what to say or if he was to talk about it at all.

He shouldn’t have worried, for Lin was smirking and saying in a hushed voice: “Very much looking forward to the next chapter in this, dear.”

His mind and his body reacted immediately to this, to the tone, to Lin’s hand on his stomach, to the need in his eyes.

“Darling…” He drawled, mussing Lin’s soapy hair and laughing softly upon seeing him scrunch up that adorable face to avoid getting soap in his eyes.

“Me too.” Jonathan felt that he owed Lin that much, that Lin had deserved to know how he felt about what had happened.

“I hadn’t expected this. I, for sure, would never have pushed towards it and I am thankful beyond words that it has indeed happened. Nonetheless, let me repeat that we have all the time in the world, don’t feel yourself obliged to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.”

The caring caution in Jonathan’s voice and words made Lin’s cocky smile vanish in an instant and his face set into a much mellower expression.

“I know, you have said so many times before. Now, I thank you endlessly for that kind of careful patience but…the fact that you mind me so much is all it takes in the end for me to not doubt this. I want this, I want you and I won’t change my mind about it.”

Lin pushed closer and as Jonathan’s eyes fluttered closed in expectation of a kiss, Lin laughed and just shoved his head under the stream of water.

Huffing indignantly, Jonathan grabbed him unceremoniously and kissed him passionately.

“My surprise?” Lin was pretending to whine, but his eyes were bright and gleaming with deep-felt emotion.

“Where are we going? Is that…a car? Do you intend to DRIVE? In New York?” Elena tried to get a clue out of Catherina’s clothes, but the wide emerald green trousers and the tight black turtleneck gave no indications on where they were going and what they were doing.

“REINA…” She nagged as she slid into the sturdy SUV and watched Catherina pull out of the driveway effortlessly, waving to Cal and the dogs who seemed to know one and all what this was about.

“You’ll see in good time.”

Catherina had decided this on a whim and had spontaneously invited Jonathan because he would understand, or at least, she needed someone by her side who could share the moment with her.

Elena’s eyes widened when they picked up the two men, Lin moaning about how he wanted to know what was going on and Jonathan swatting away his pleading hands playfully.

“Oh wow, you fuck me once and suddenly you’re in league with the gay prince, is it that?” Elena screeched, shooting both Jonathan and Catherina dark looks.

“Nobody wants to know about that.” Catherina scolded but the pride in her voice was hardly to be missed. “And I’ve met real princes. They look nothing like Jonathan, they have weak chins and crooked knees from inbreeding.”

As they drove through the city, Catherina turned on the radio and, with an evil smile, she sang loudly along to Christina Aguilera’s “Infatuation”. It was strangely accurate and very on topic for the trip they were on.

“It’s the Heights. You’re taking me home.” Elena cried out, her face pressed against the window of the car, as colours and impressions flew by.

“That was one hell of a mean song.” Jonathan complained but his eyes were trained on the face of the man beside him, looking out with a look of wonderment similar to the one on Elena’s face.

And as Catherina parked the car, she knew that she had been right in coming here. Elena bounded out, rushing to the spot where she and Catherina had sat many times before, looking over the water and breathing in the air that smelled of home and somehow carried a slight hint of spices and fire.

“Look, Reina…look.” Elena crowed and pointed to the water, to the streets, to the houses.

Elena was never as happy anywhere except the theatre than here and Catherina had forgotten to take her here this time.

“Welcome to my _barrio_.” Elena smiled and stopped dead in her tracks when the idea that had been lingering in Catherina’s mind and showed in her stance and position dawned upon her.

“_Tía_…” She whispered and broke into a dazzling smile.


	30. 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roots before branches today...
> 
> A leisurely stroll through another part of the city and the revelation of future plans...

30

“She’s blind as a bat, but she has the most insanely accurate hearing and…”

Elena stopped herself when Catherina threw her a conspiratorial smile.

“You’ll see.” She came to a halt in front of her elderly aunt’s house after a few minutes of walking, Jonathan following Lin’s springing steps and Catherina’s almost solemn pace.

The door was opened after Elena had rapped a few short knocks on it by an elderly woman who blinked into the sunlight streaming in, clearly not able to distinguish anything.

“Tía Clara? It’s me, Elena.” Elena said and laughed softly as the old woman reached behind her to present her niece with two things.

“Hello.” Catherina sighed and a smile spread on the face of the woman, as she purred in a heavily accented voice: “Ah, little Reina.”

Elena bent down, pressing her lips on the two objects under her nose, as did Catherina when she was presented with them.

The first one was a crucifix, the second a framed picture of Lin-Manuel Miranda.

“Auntie, we have brought a visitor to see you.” Elena said, already steadying the old woman by placing both her hands under her elbows.

“Hello Miss. My name is…” Lin’s eyes fell on the cross…and the picture.

“_Ay Dios mío_!” The crone screeched and tumbled backwards.

“Blind as a bat but…” Elena repeated and led her aunt to an armchair, pushing her down and fanning air into her face.

“_Tía_…Catherina has brought me up. There are two men with us. The second one is Jonathan Groff, do you remember?”

The old woman shifted in her seat, her unseeing eyes staring straight ahead as a frown creased her forehead.

“Elena…” She sighed, smoothing her worn and faded dress upon her skinny thighs.

“I remember. Pretty boy, strapping youth, yes? Very…white? Choir boy voice.” She then crooned softly, feeling for Elena’s hand as a way of gauging her reaction.

“That’s the very one.” Elena laughed and kissed her aunt’s hand.

“I am proud of you, Elena. And I am both surprised and honoured by your readiness to bring Mister Miranda here.” She couldn’t see Lin, so he took her other hand and pressed it gently.

“We are so proud of you here, son. Thank you for everything you’ve done for the community.” A single tear rolled down the withered cheek as she spoke those words.

“Go see if my lazy son cannot get you a light supper, huh, _querida_?” She then said to Elena.

“Good to hear you again, Reina. How are you, child?”

“I am wonderful, thank you, Miss Clara.”

The old woman pondered these words for a moment, then nodded, satisfied with the rich, full sound of Catherina’s voice.

“You brought my favourite grand-niece and the hero of the community to me. You are a good girl. You always have been.” She lifted her hand from Elena’s and reached for Catherina who kissed it dutifully.

Catherina would have laid down diamonds and pearls at that woman’s feet, but she knew that Lin and Elena were better gifts to her slowly beating heart.

“Get something in your belly, child.” Clara told Catherina too and went back to staring into the room, smiling happily.

“You make me regret being blind.” She murmured.

“Oh they look glorious, Miss Clara. Never have looked so good. Never. Neither have you.”

Catherina saw a blush creep up the wrinkled skin and her heart soared as the cackling laughter of the old woman filled the room.

“There’s beauty beyond sight, my love.” She said and so, they all sat a little longer with the old lady, filling her ears, her heart and her memory with the sound of their voices.

“She will take that to her grave.” Elena sighed when they took the light picnic her uncle had whisked up to the spot over the river.

“You are a real hero, babe.” Jonathan teased but his voice was earnest and both the light compliment and the sincere reverence made Lin blush furiously.

“It was a good gift. You are very considerate.” Elena told Catherina, leaning over to kiss her tenderly, overflowing with gratitude.

She told the men how Catherina had come up here to pick Clara up and take her to see, or rather hear, Hamilton.

Catherina, in turn, told them how she’d spent days up here, spoiled rotten by Clara and her son, getting food and cuddles and a warm blanket to lie here and watch the stars light up the night-sky with Elena.

“She’s made people kiss that picture ever since _In the Heights_, you know?” Elena said and Catherina reminded her of how they used to clean it for her the last few times they had come here.

“Well…I’m not sure that I deserve that.” Lin mumbled, touched and embarrassed.

“Oh, who has not kissed a picture of you before…” Jonathan smiled light-heartedly.

“Aha, did you now, Groffsauce? You could have kissed me instead, you know…” Lin retorted, smiling broadly.

“Not at 3 in the morning, stupid drunk, across the country, I couldn’t.” Jonathan felt so happy, so light, so content in this moment, that there was no room for shame.

“Damn, that’s true.” Lin took a hold of his hand and brushed his thumb absentmindedly over the back of that hand he so longed to feel on his naked body.

He was still surprised by what had happened the night before and yet, he wanted more of that, more of the self-forgotten moments in Jonathan’s arms, more of that excitement and the sheer release of things held under lock and key for much too long.

Catherina thought of beauty, of the beauty of this spot, of the beauty of long hoped for and finally found love, of the beauty of friendship.

Sighing, she let herself fall back against the floor and stared up at the sky.

“It’s…beautiful.” Elena said, only a little time later, staring up at the quaint little house overlooking the water and the colourful streets she had grown up in.

She had no idea why Catherina had brought them here to look at a house, but she really thought that it was the perfect spot to wake up in the morning and look over a world that was theirs.

“It is, in general, really wonderful here.” Jonathan agreed and was startled by the intensity of Lin’s gaze. Of course, he had a strong connection to this part of the city, he had roots so deep and powerful that they tinged his every word and movement.

“This is home.” Lin whispered and looked out, as if unsure how the others would take his words, self-conscious still about being so clearly foreign in a country made up of foreigners in different strata and generations.

Catherina searched their faces, needing the feedback to go on, basking in their pure joy.

She had experienced wonderful times here and she loved the water.

“Home…” She mused in a low voice, the single word carried away by the soft breeze and suddenly, she felt the intense longing for just that, for a home, for a place to come back to, for friends and neighbours and for a domestic life.

Sometimes, it was so hard to be brave and to move on, but in this moment, her friend’s faces smiling in the wind, her love’s generous mouth grinning in the soft sunlight, she knew that she would never be so protected and encouraged again.

“I might buy it.” She whispered and when nobody reacted, she repeated her words a little louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still with me...Please leave signs !!!
> 
> Lots of love and until tomorrow...


	31. 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plans for a future that will be turned into reality in the second part of the story...(Wait for it)
> 
> Enjoy

31

“You…what?” Elena spun around, mouth gaping open, eyes as huge as a child’s on Christmas.

“You asked me if I intend to stay here in New York and I have thought about it. I might. I will.” Catherina cleared her throat.

“I shall stay here but I won’t stay in his house. It is too big.”

She was idling, she was biding her time, all of a sudden shy and frightened.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Catherina took a deep breath, praying to God to give her the strength to find the words. It was stupid, she couldn’t ask someone she had only slept with once to move in with her, but this was Elena and she had known her for a thousand years and they had slept in the same room, in the same bed, so many times she’d lost count.

“You want to come live in a neighbourhood filled with immigrants?” Elena gasped, slapping both her hands in front of her mouth the moment the words were out.

She had foreseen that Catherina would leave the villa behind, but she had thought she’d buy a nice apartment in Tribeca or SoHo, that she’d live on the Upper East Side, that she’d buy a whole estate somewhere on the outskirts of the metropolis, but never in a thousand years could she have predicted that Catherina would want to live here.

“Why?” The word was trembling on notes of awe and incomprehension.

Wordlessly pointing at Elena’s face, then, in turn, at Lin’s smile and Jonathan’s revelry, Catherina shrugged.

“You’re happy here. So am I.” Catherina said after a long pause of silence.

“Oh no, baby, don’t buy a house for my sake. I can live anywhere. I’d follow you to Washington or London, Paris, Montréal, wherever you want to live. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you live here.” Guilt seemed to shatter Elena’s beautiful face as she turned forcefully away from that house she had admired so much a moment prior.

“It’s a good place to live.” Jonathan interjected, looking around and nodding. “Yeah, definitely a good place.”

Catherina threw her arms around him and he reciprocated the hug without hesitation, she had been right, he did understand how easy it was to be taken in by a magic those who had grown up here were all but used to.

“We shall, you know, I’ll take you to all these places and more.” Catherina took Elena’s hands into hers.

“But this would be our home, honey. It would be the place we come back to after our travels, I want this, I want you to run down and bring me fresh baked goods with a smile and I want to touch you while overlooking the river. I want to lie in the grass and look at the sky with you. Why? Do you hate it?” Catherina grew very still, very silent all of a sudden.

“Damn you, Reina, you know I don’t. This is the perfect house, you damn well know that too. It’s close to all the ones I love, it’s close enough to work. It’s perfect…for me.”

How could a person like Catherina live here?

It was gentrified, sure, but there had been drugs and crime and there still were tons of foreigners who made unsuspecting citizens nervous.

Elena tried imagining Catherina and her German porcelain, her Chinese jade vases, her international treasures in these streets filled with people, noise and children running wild.

The picture shifted in her mind as her eyes were drawn to the huge windows on the first floor and she saw Catherina standing there painting, naked, looking out on the water and smiling as Elena brought coffee in. In her head, she could picture Catherina walking down the street, checking in on Clara before heading off to a meeting in Berlin.

“But…it’s so inelegant, pedestrian…”

“Don’t go to that place, Elena.” Catherina pleaded. “This patch of land has brought forth treasures all the money in the world couldn’t buy…or replace. Don’t you dare insinuate that the place you were born and raised in isn’t dignified enough for me. It’s insulting.”

Elena shrunk back as if slapped, but she had to admit, that even though shy, Catherina had always loved being up here. She had adored her family and their little attentions, had loved the music and the welcome, Catherina had always felt safe and happy here.

“I am not a princess. I am not made out of gold.” Catherina rasped, looking intensively at Elena who nodded slowly.

“You have to understand, Reina, I love this part of the city. You know I do, but to me, it’s just plain old home. You…to me you, you ARE a princess and you deserve gold and marble. You deserve better than dishevelled kids running around and old women screaming from their top windows…”

Catherina laughed, loudly, until tears ran down her face.

“I have had that. Don’t you remember? I have seen the Ritz and the Four Seasons and my father’s estate in England and the many other houses he owned. Gold and marble, my ass.

Lena, I don’t want to buy a fucking museum. I want a home. Is that so difficult to understand? I want to see the same dishevelled kids run around all day, I want to hear those old ladies shout greetings from their top windows, I want all that and more.”

Then, quieter, afraid again: “Why? Won’t I belong? Will I stick out like a sore thumb?”

Elena flew into her arms, hugging her desperately, mortified at the idea of having hurt Catherina, all the while stammering: “No, no, baby, no. You’d be perfect here. I guess it’s just some weird inferiority complex.”

“I get you.” Lin nodded and Elena looked at him as if she had forgotten that he was still there.

“Would you like to live here?” He asked Jonathan in a tone that sounded a lot like a trap, like he was trying to make a point.

“Live with my Puerto Rican lover in the Latin neighbourhood? Hell yes. Are you asking me to move in with you?” Jonathan beamed, foiling Lin’s plans and making all of the present people react in inarticulate sounds.

“Ha.” Catherina gave him a high-five that should have looked childish and incongruous but actually ended up being adorably sweet and dorky.

“JON!” Lin raised both his hands in pretended despair, making a tragic face as if Jonathan had deeply disappointed him by his words.

“Well, either you’re very elitist and have no room for us poor white people or you’re both just really insane.” Jonathan shrugged and earned another approving nod from Catherina.

“It’s just not something one expects you to want.” Lin scrambled for words as he realised what Jonathan had said exactly, Jon, who usually was so guarded about his feelings and thoughts and who had, on a whim, agreed to live with him in Washington Heights.

“Oh, we’re that kind of racist now? Yeah, okay. I mean, we have dates, cuddles and sex with you but please, try keeping being Latino to a strict minimum because we actually only ever enjoy that in small doses and secretly loathe it?” Catherina’s words were cutting but humour tinged her tone.

“No…What? Erm…” Elena looked helplessly at Lin who shrugged, himself not sure what to say.

“Fact is, YOU are a native here. If we’re in France, in Canada or in England, we’ll stay at MY home, but here, in this city, you’re a native so it’s only logical to stay where you come from, no?” Catherina leaned in for a kiss which Elena provided without even thinking about it.

“Put like that, yeah, let’s live here. To borrow the words of a wise man, go ahead Reina, come live with your Puerto Rican lover in the Latin neighbourhood. Let’s…have a home.”

Elena felt elated, this was more important than the naughty things they had done the night before, for this showed the depths of the regard and the respect that Catherina had for all the things that made her the person she was.

“So…are you asking me to move in?” Jonathan laughed.

“I guess, I am?” Lin stroked his chin meditatively and then laughed as well.

“To good neighbourhood and a new start.” Catherina raised an imaginary glass in honour of this tremendously weighty moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) I hope you are still with me and it would make me happy to see more signs of your having been here...THANKS :P


	32. 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today...how to tell your wife that you want to be in a relationship without someone else...
> 
> I guess the soundtrack would be something like "Let me out" by the Veronicas or "Say goodbye" by Katharine McPhee...
> 
> Enjoy...

32

“Jon?” Lin strode in from the living room after they had returned from a perfect dress rehearsal.

“Hmmm?” Jonathan looked up, already detaching himself from his own apartment as he moved through it. It had been a place, a transitory thing, not a home.

Sighing, Lin rubbed his hands over his face slowly, uncertain how to start.

“Vanessa is going to have that drink with Catherina tomorrow. I will have the children.”

Jonathan tried hard to keep a straight face, it was their day off and he had intended to go house hunting with Lin, maybe sit by the water some more and just relax.

“Oh, alright.” The smile on his face felt fake but he hoped that Lin wouldn’t notice.

“Jonathan Drew Groff, how do you feel about Disney-movies?” Lin looked up at him grinning.

“Oh no. First, what the hell, Lin, why…why do you know or use my middle name? Second, I am basically a Disney-prince. Third, as much as it hurts me to say that, but I think that you should talk to your wife and children in peace.”

It was so much like Lin not to make a drama out of things, but this was big and everybody needed time to adjust.

“You’re right of course. I got carried away, I’m sorry. They will know sooner or later though…if you want to stay with me for a time, that is.” Lin mumbled and the crushed expression on his face broke Jonathan’s heart.

“This is not about me or about what I want and need. I am a grown-ass man, Lin. This is about your kids and the fact that things are about to change and they deserve being led into it easily, carefully.”

How could he not a have adored a man who put his children’s well-being before his own, Lin wondered as he nodded. He would indeed need to have a conversation with Vanessa.

“See you tonight?” He said hopefully and Jonathan nodded, not sure if it was a good idea for the kids to have Lin come home and then leave again. They needed him there, didn’t they?

“Hey…” Lin leant greeted his kids happily and after the hugs, they were brought upstairs to put away their souvenirs and take a little nap.

“Hi.” The kiss Vanessa breathed upon the lips of her husband felt different already, it felt warm and familiar and distant at the same time. Things had changed and the terrible dread she had been living with for years now vanished.

“You’ve not been here, huh?” She then asked as she looked upon the forlorn furniture and the dust having settled upon it.

“Erm. No…” Lin was at a loss as to what to say to broach the subject.

“Where is he?” She turned away, letting her eyes roam over a place that meant so much to her and that felt deserted at the moment with the children upstairs and her husband standing a few paces away, arms crossed as if to protect himself.

“Home.” The word cut into her and she was surprised at the surge of pain in her chest.

Home, home was no longer here, it was no longer with her.

“Alright. So, how have you been? You look…good.” He fidgeted at that and a surge of a well-known and well-worn love crept up her throat.

“Thanks. Yeah, I’m fine.” And then he told her about the rehearsals and Catherina and her plan. Words spilled out of him like a storm and she sighed inwardly. There was an energy to Lin that she had admired and which had carried her like a wave for many years, but now, it only made her weary.

As she listened to him talk about the places he went and the things he’s done, she realised that she yearned for a quiet afternoon at home, for someone to come home to every night, for…shadow.

Lin was burning so bright, consuming himself and everyone around him in a fire of creation and ambition. He was a genius, no doubt, hungry for more and she was…not that.

“How’s Groff?” She ventured and Lin plunged into another detailed account of every single move that man had made since they had met a few days prior, about his singing, about his smile and Vanessa understood two things: first, Lin had made a move on his colleague and friend and second, he was still not completely aware of how absolutely and utterly in love he was with another man.

Groff, she thought, gentle, funny, patient Jon, he could take it. He would never be pregnant and tired, grumpy and feeling heavy, and even if, he would find more solace in Lin’s creativity than she did.

He was of the same world, he was one of those birds that soared on the notes Lin wrote, not an idle bystander like her.

Lin stopped abruptly and she could see in his eyes that he was afraid that he had hurt her, so she went to him and hugged him for she didn’t know what else to do.

“I am glad for you both. I’m off for coffee. I’ll be back very soon.” She spoke and went out, smiling through the confusion and the numb pain in her heart.

“Hello.” Vanessa had been surprised when Catherina had invited her to a small bakery in her own neighbourhood, rather than to the mansion in which Catherina lived.

Now, seeing the woman, she discovered that she looked nothing like the pictures she had seen in the newspapers from time to time.

The drawn and haunted expression had vanished and Catherina looked fresh and relaxed in her pink sundress, sipping on a coffee and getting up to greet her.

Catherina on her part thought that Lin’s wife looked an awful lot better than him, but she wasn’t sure if that was due to her own proclivities or just a matter of personal taste.

“Hi.” Catherina beamed and waved to the waitress to come take Vanessa’s order.

“Sorry I’m later. Lin had to tell me when and where Groff wore which shirt.” Vanessa rolled her eyes and felt instantly better when Catherina nodded understandingly as if she knew exactly what Vanessa meant…which she probably did.

“So, Lin also tells me that you’re the instigator of that whole thing they’re doing right now. That’s a pretty great project. I’m in awe.” Once again, Vanessa felt slightly uncomfortable with being surrounded by people who had such huge dreams and projects, people driven by an energy and an ambition she could recognize but not emulate.

“Yeah…I’m sure Lin made it sound much grander than it is.” Catherina shrugged, conveying that she comprehended exactly how sublimation through Lin’s mind and words worked.

“He’s that kind of person. I’m just an heiress. I guess that’s my title…if the papers are anything to go by.” Catherina chuckled.

“I’m a lawyer.” Vanessa replied, making a face.

“It’s hard, isn’t it? I mean, my ex was also one of these driven people, people who climb steadily and run themselves into the ground while doing so. The struggle, the fight, the victory, that was his life and he got a rush out of it.” Catherina nodded and Vanessa grasped her hand spontaneously, holding it just a bit tighter than was appropriate.

“I…I don’t know what to do now, how to proceed…” Vanessa confided in this stranger whose eyes shone calmly with understanding and empathy.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think you’ll lose him _per se_, I’m not even sure that’s possible. He loves you and you have children and…he’s amazing, I know that by now, he’s one hell of a friend and that you cannot lose. He’ll always be in your life and that pure, raw energy emanating from him will from now on warm you from a distance and no longer roast you alive. I guess, you get to keep a good deal of what you love about him…” Catherina’s voice trailed off.

“But not the romantic relationship. Not the sex. Not the cuddles. Not the endless nights of waiting, not the torturous weeks of him being somewhere else while I’m with the children, not the hasty dinners where he talks shop. Yeah…” Vanessa cocked one eyebrow as if to say “Good riddance”, but things weren’t that easy.

“You’ll find a way?” Catherina offered, still drinking coffee and checking her phone.

Gasping, she showed Vanessa a text she had just received and felt like maybe, she had found another friend.

“Oh…hehe.” Vanessa cackled, sending Lin a message of her own, just to say that she maybe knew better where Groff was than him.

“Oh, you’ll find a way.” Catherina smiled when she saw with how much humour Vanessa tackled the situation. That woman would take the changes in her stride, she would command and direct the changes and make sure everything went for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same as always...Please leave a comment or any other sign of your presence here...Thank you...


	33. 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shopping :)

33

“Oh wow…” Jonathan stared at the woman incredulously.

“Well…” Elena scratched the back of her neck while looking around suspiciously, afraid to be caught entering a shop that unequivocally sold toys for adults.

With Catherina gone and Lin at home spending time with his children, she had known that Jonathan would be alone on their off-day, or at least, she had hoped he would. She needed someone by her side today to hold her hand and tell her all would be good. Especially someone who would not leer or make strange comments about it.

Jonathan, for his part, had welcomed the invitation as he was not looking forward to hanging around all day in his flat, picking up dirty clothes and missing Lin.

At this very moment, the turn their relationship had taken was still so new and fragile, that he did not have the security and the solace that he would have needed to shrug off Lin’s absence.

He was needy. He hated it.

Actually, he didn’t even know what to call Lin in his mind, in conversations or in his bed, but whatever Lin was to him in terms of labels, he was spending his time with people who were undoubtedly his “family”. Jonathan tried to swallow the instinctive jealousy he felt, he had no right to be jealous of Lin’s wife and even less of his children, but he was, doubly so because first of all, they had a claim to Lin that was stronger than his own and then, they had the kind of domestic bliss he secretly longed for…and he was about to destroy it for them.

“Groff? This is not the place for idle daydreams.” Elena scolded and shoved him through the door when she was convinced that the street was indeed empty and that nobody had seen them enter.

“I have never slept with a man.” Elena explained conversationally while browsing the shelves and counters in the dark room.

“Humpf…” was the only reply she got, so she turned around to see Jonathan blush a charming nuance of crimson red.

“Are you that well prepared? I mean, I am grateful that you agreed to accompany me, but if you don’t use or need any of that stuff, you’re free to leave.” She felt guilty as if she had dragged him into a situation in which he definitely didn’t want to be.

Eyeing the more extreme paraphernalia displayed with suspicion and interest, Jonathan followed her in silence for a moment before finding his voice and when he did, it came out hushed and uncertain.

“No…I’m quite alright. It’s just strange to do this…with you.” He tapped her lightly on the shoulder to make clear that it wasn’t meant as an offense to her personally.

“Yeah, sure.” Elena didn’t quite know what to say either, she didn’t even know what she expected from Jonathan being here with her. All she knew for sure was that she had never slept with a man, that she had no idea what a penis felt like and what it did to a woman.

Catherina had been married, she had slept with Jeff and Elena would be damned if she didn’t give her everything she was used to and liked for a start. Only after this status quo of sexual relations had been established, could she go and push the limits of it, challenge and transform it, surpass it until it had been forgotten.

So what else could she do but to go out and buy a vibrator that would cater to Catherina’s needs and bring her pleasure?

After a few moments of intense study, she decided upon a sleek, bright pink rubber dildo. Its size and weight, as much as the texture and the promises of performance on the box, convinced her that this would be a good start.

The fact that she could, if she so chose, strap it on and mimic classic heteronormative sex was another plus. Those were things that she had never tried before but then again, she had never slept with anyone near as challenging as Catherina before…or as precious.

Grabbing a blindfold covered in dark, smooth silk and a feathery duster that caught her fancy, Elena strolled over to Jonathan who whirled around as if caught with his hands in the cookie jar.

“Ah…” Elena murmured and brushed her finger along the shelve displaying butt plugs in all shapes and colours imaginable.

Jonathan looked painfully ill at ease, staring at Elena as if she was about to strike him or mock him cruelly.

“Hey boy, it’s alright. I get it, I get you. Listen, we’re in the same boat here. How far are they willing to go? Are they aware that everything they’ve known up to this point can be recreated but will never be the same thing? Do they even have the slightest idea of how much preparation goes into that? Will they bridle at that?” Elena sighed heavily at that.

“Come on, cheer up, I’ll throw in a bottle of lube for you.” She winked at him as she, very conscientiously, went over and started inspecting the different kinds that were sold.

“I feel silly.” Jonathan complained in a low voice, not able to tear away his eyes from the tools and playthings because Elena had hit the nail on the head.

Lin had talked about fucking in an easy, carefree voice, but did he know difficult that could be? Was he prepared for fingers where there had been none before?

Jonathan had decided to let Lin have a first go at him but still, even then there would have to be preparation…

“Oh baby.” Elena stroked his hand gently. “I’d hold back on the beads, but I guess a plug would be quite sensible. No? Just to get used to the feeling?” She smiled when he looked up, so lost, so vulnerable and so eager nonetheless.

Finally, Jonathan allowed himself to be led by Elena in this, as she seemed to have given much more thought to this than him beforehand.

Neither Catherina nor Lin had the slightest idea of what lay in store for them, but contrary to the beliefs of their newfound lovers, they had indeed been thinking about that.

“Come back to the house. Meet the children.” Vanessa said when they had finished their drinks and paid the bill.

_Show us, that all will be well_, she thought to herself, still a bit nervous about all the things she had not talked over with her husband yet.

“He’s been living with Groff.” She went on as they left the small building and walked back to Vanessa’s house, for she thought of it as her own rather than as “theirs” anymore.

“Yeah…I know.” Catherina said, uncomfortable about being put on the spot.

“Hey, I don’t blame you. As I said, you’ve only just met them and you’ve met them together and God, don’t I know how amazing they can be when together? You don’t know me, you don’t owe me anything and Lin has warned me. He’s called.” She smiled at that because she took pride in the honourable, honest man she had married.

They found Lin cradling the baby while singing along to a children’s movie that his oldest son was watching, entranced by the pictures on the screen.

“Oh hey Catherina.” He smiled and handed the baby over to his wife in a movement so casual and domestic that it was clear to Catherina that they had done that many times before.

Motioning to Lin to follow her out of the room, Vanessa led the way to their kitchen and closed the door behind them, certain that her son would not be pulled away from his movie by their absence.

“So…will you move into an apartment in Manhattan?” She asked in a voice that was just a bit too light-hearted to be honest.

“No…well yes, for the moment. Only, I guess we’ll move back into the neighbourhood. If…” – “If I don’t mind?” A sharp undertone crept into Vanessa’s words, but she made an effort to relax both her body and her mind.

“No, Lin, I don’t. We’re both at home here. And I pray to God that he might be too. It will be easier for the kids too, you know.”

His eager nodding lifted a stone of her heart. A part of her had been afraid, irrationally so, that he would no longer want to spend time with the children, as if he had changed into someone completely different during her absence.

She would be gracious, she decided, because she felt none of the humiliation she had expected and dreaded in secret. To her, it didn’t feel like her life with Lin had been a mistake or a lie, no, his relationship with Jon didn’t belie their own love. It had been real and it had been strong.

Jonathan was just another person and she wouldn’t think about his gender or race, because she was pretty sure that it didn’t matter. Not if the person he was, was so much to consider already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please dear readers, do not hold back on comments and other signs, they make me excessively happy :D


	34. 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random soppy chapter...Some break-ups aren't volcanic eruptions, just two islands slowly drifting apart...

34

After a long moment of silence, Vanessa shook her head and turned to Catherina:

“Was it that awkward when you split up with your husband?”

Catherina rolled her eyes and answered: “Damn, yeah, girl. It was a hot day and he had Christelle sitting in the car waiting like a dog. So, I had his girlfriend come in and gave her a beer and we just sat there for half an hour saying nothing at all. Like dead silence.”

“Yeah, well, will Groff come here and pick you up?” Vanessa teased Lin.

“I am very well capable of going to his place on my own. Except…”

“No, you go. I can deal with our children.” Vanessa snapped and again, had to remind herself to not let the emotion get the better of her.

“By the way, your husband has given an interview.” Lin then interjected and shoved a paper he had gotten from who knows where over the kitchen table.

“Jeff? He’s my ex-husband, thank you very much.” Catherina commented while fast-reading the interview that Jeff had given, in front of the theatre. He spoke about how much he respected and admired Catherina and all her efforts and about how he and his fiancée had come to New York to see a play. He also said that he supported the arts and encouraged other people to do so too.

“Well, all publicity is good publicity, I guess.” Catherina shrugged but her smile was genuine and warm. She was pleased with Jeff’s words, pleased to know him on her side.

“So how do you like Jeff’s new girl?” Vanessa asked casually while handing Catherina a glass of water, judging from her own thirst after the coffee that she’d be in need of one.

“Christelle? She’s not Jonathan Groff, but she’s alright. Thanks.” Catherina replied and took the glass eagerly, gulping down a few sips right away.

“That hair, huh?” – “Yeah…He has pretty eyes too. But yes, that hair.” Catherina laughed.

Lin looked from one to the other in utter amazement.

Then, the door opened and his son came in, got a snack and sat there looking around expectantly.

“Hello. My name is Catherina.” Catherina introduced herself and the child shook her hand very seriously, looking stern and interested.

“I will live in the neighbourhood soon.” She went on as neither Lin nor Vanessa seemed ready to say anything.

“Cool.” The kid gave back, rubbing his eyes, still tired from the travel and clearly heading to bed soon.

“I’ll go bathe the children. It was nice to have you here.” Vanessa said to Catherina who offered her to leave the children with Dolores if she wanted to see any of the plays put on this following week.

“Yeah, sure, I have enough people who can babysit for me. Don’t worry. I’m looking forward to seeing you again.” Vanessa agreed joyfully before sending the child up to prepare for bath time already.

“I’ll see you soon, too?” She then said to Lin and kissed him on the cheek.

“I am so so sorry, you…” – “Don’t be.” She interrupted him and pointed a thumb up the stairs.

“Go say goodbye to your son and get some clothes. You look positively homeless. Greet Groff from me, yeah?”

As she watched Catherina leave and her husband sprint up the stairs, she allowed herself just a minute of self-pity before straightening her back and meeting her watery battlefield.

Jonathan was beside himself, it was already early evening and Lin was still not back.

He checked his phone for the umpteenth time, getting slightly angrier by the minute, nobody could have faulted Lin for wanting to spend more time with his family, but he could at least have called.

The last message was from 3 hours ago, saying that his wife was still not back, but in that time a million things could have happened and Jonathan’s thoughts were running wild to the point that he now could picture Lin being mauled to death by an escaped beast or in bed with his wife, all but forgetting about Jonathan.

As if his wishful thinking had made it, his phone started ringing and he picked up before checking the number.

“Hello?” His voice was breathless with worry and anger and anxiety.

“Hi Jon, it’s me, Catherina. Can you come down, please? We were stuck in traffic.”

Catherina decided not to tell Jonathan how she had seen Lin dragging his suitcase over the sidewalk as she drove back down after having checked on the house she intended to buy.

Lin had looked almost as stubborn as his son who had not been thrilled about his upcoming bath, and it had taken some coaxing on her behalf to get him in the car.

Then, he had refused to tell Jonathan to come help him with his suitcase and didn’t want to be driven to the door either. Which Catherina had ignored as she was the one behind the steering wheel and he acted like a damn toddler.

“Sure. Has something happened?” She heard Jonathan’s keys jingle as he seemed to rush to the door and out.

“Naaaa…I’ll be heading home. See you tomorrow.” Catherina replied, waited for Jonathan to come down and help Lin take his stuff up and drove away, relieved to be rid of men.

Lin looked wretched. Jonathan wanted to ask how it had gone and what his wife had said, but all the words he could have said were stuck in his throat in the face of so much fatigue.

Jonathan’s eyes wandered over the huge suitcase, testament to a monumental change and he stiffened, more afraid than ever to say the wrong thing.

Sighing, Lin melted into his arms and just stayed there, snuggled against his chest and breathing deeply in and out.

Running his fingers through Lin’s hair and down his neck, Jonathan waited for him to say something, to explain what was going on.

When he realised that Lin would not say anything about it, Jonathan finally dared to speak up and cautiously asked if the children were alright.

“Oh tired and cranky but alright, yes. Apparently, Catherina’s date with my wife has been good as well. Vanessa and Catherina both think you have glorious hair.”

Lin wondered why this was a thing he would say in this situation, but he was too tired to censor himself.

“Hair? Thank you, I guess.” Jonathan chuckled and started manoeuvring Lin to the couch so they could sit down while waiting for Lin to open up about his feelings.

Another long silence followed before Lin cracked open like an egg, describing how relaxing and nice it had been with the children and how weird it had felt with Vanessa who seemed so at peace with what had changed, even more so than him.

“Part of me expected, almost wanted her… to be angry, to be hurt, to cry, to accuse me, to…punish me in a way. I have done her wrong, I must have done her wrong. I am being so selfish. Am I not? I am selfish. And no matter which way I turn, I have done you wrong, both of you…” Lin was almost sobbing although his eyes were dry and burning with intensity.

“Hush.” Jonathan tried to calm him down. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. So, what did she say exactly?” It was a leap of faith asking that, but now, he had to know.

Pondering for a moment, Lin bit his lip and slightly swayed his head from side to side as if trying to recall all the little things that had been said.

“She said you have nice hair and she’s asked if you were coming to pick me up. I said no. Maybe that’s why I was being such a mule about hauling this suitcase on my own all the way from Vanessa’s to here. I don’t know.

She also said she wouldn’t mind us moving to the neighbourhood and that she can deal with the kid’s baths and…” His voice broke and he hid his face in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always...


	35. 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:
> 
> This chapter will contain emotional pain AND smut, so if you're sensitive or easily offended either by soppy words of distress or by lesbian sex, please do not go on..
> 
> Thank you

35

“And? How has she taken it?” Elena leant, in her underwear, against the kitchen counter and watched as Catherina shrugged out of her jacket.

“Well. I think that she took it rather well.” Catherina replied and walked over to Elena to kiss her thoroughly until she purred.

“Hmmm, guess so. We all knew.” Catherina looked up sharply at these words, Lin had not struck her as someone who as evidently and inevitably gay.

“No, not like that. No, him and Groff. Them. As an…item, I guess.” Elena shrugged and moved against Catherina to get her to kiss her again.

“Yeah, ok, I can see that. Vanessa seems to look to the future and she’s probably already planning ahead…explanations, visitations, Christmas and holidays.”

“Oh, you businesspeople,” Elena laughed, “what would we do without you?”

“Yeah, indeed.” Catherina chuckled and kissed her again.

“Well, as you were doing God knows what, Groff and I have been shopping. Come up to the bedroom and I’ll show you.” Elena smirked, stretched her endless legs and left the room without checking if Catherina was following her.

“Things have certainly changed.” Elena muttered as she flipped through the catalogue of playbills that Catherina had collected and now religiously preserved.

Chuckling, Catherina took it from her hands and purred: “Why don’t you show me what you and the gay prince were up to?”

Jonathan was not sure that he was allowed to touch Lin right now, but he didn’t want to leave him alone in this either, so he just made comforting noises from afar.

He could not fathom the confusion and the pain Lin was going through and he didn’t even try to pretend. Somehow, he felt like this was all his fault and in his mind, he went over all the times he had touched or even kissed him under the mantle of good fun and practical jokes when he, as a matter of fact, had always tried to find a way to ease the pressure building inside of himself.

“I am sorry. I am so sorry.” He repeated mechanically, feeling his guilt tear at the seams of his soul until they both were silently sobbing in the otherwise silent room.

Vanessa lingered like a ghost in the air, vibrating like an invisible violin in their suppressed keening and Jonathan wondered if he had been like that for her. If he had haunted her in her husband’s smiles after shows and if she had hated him for it.

He didn’t hate her, he realised after a moment, he felt immensely sorry for her, for her loss, for the tragedy that was playing out before a helpless audience. He didn’t even dare to imagine what it would be like to lose Lin for fear that he’d have a complete break-down.

“Hold me?” Lin asked after a moment, his voice cracking but insistent.

“Yes, of course.” The movement was fluid, eager, instinctive and when he held Lin in his arms, Jonathan could breathe just a little better and the tears stopped spilling out of that hidden source deep within his soul.

Still, he was struggling, fighting to contain that ravaging need about to shatter his bones and tear his tendons, swallowing down fire and unwelcome declarations of love, clenching his teeth until they made a grinding sound inside of his skull. This was not what was needed or appropriate and so he struggled to keep it within, breathing in Lin’s smell and breathing out the shadows of words unsaid, buried between his skin and his flesh.

Lin felt the silent battle within Jonathan nonetheless as the rippling of his muscles and the writhing of his limbs betrayed his effort to stay still and just be there.

What was he holding down? Holding in?

Weakened and anxious, Lin was terrified of being left once again for he wasn’t sure he could cope with it a second time in one day. What if this was too much drama for Jonathan? Hadn’t he stressed time and time again that he was not married? What if Lin’s confusion was a deal-breaker? And the children…He had never asked Jonathan how he felt about the children. Maybe he didn’t want them and Lin would become too much of a burden, dragging his past, his story, his roots, his family and his career into Jonathan’s life just like he had done with the battered old suitcase.

The words hadn’t been spoken. Words of love, words of promise and of commitment.

Jonathan had given in, not always willingly, to his advances, he had resigned himself to surrender to Lin, but did he actually want all of this and if so, until which point?

He was unaware of Jonathan’s previous doubts about his awareness of the sticking points of a homosexual relationship, but, in his turn, he wondered if Jonathan knew what it meant to date someone who hadn’t always been like that, who hadn’t always led that kind of life and to whom another life clung like a protective shell.

If he was to be honest, he was a bit of a soppy romantic and he believed in love and relationships and undying devotion and…

“What are you thinking about? How can I make this any better, any easier?” Jonathan asked after a moment, his voice low and trembling, hinting at the fear of being told to go away, of Lin leaving without a word, of losing what he had only gotten a taste of due to his damn caution and cowardice.

“Say…” Lin choked, not brave enough in this second to ask for declarations of love.

“Stay with me. I am not regretting this, I am not doubting my decision. It’s only so much and I feel…” He stammered, grasping for words that fled his mind, slipping through his fingers like eels and he grunted in frustration.

Jonathan only hugged him tighter, not needing words, not able to provide them either.

He wanted to say that he was there, that he’d always be there and that he would give his right arm for Lin to stop shaking, but he couldn’t because the silence grew oppressive and weighed down upon his chest like a boulder the size of his home state.

“You took to this easily enough.” Elena was covered in sweat and probably some other bodily fluids that didn’t bear thinking about.

Shrugging, Catherina propped herself up on her elbows to look at Elena while she cleaned and packed away the toy she had bought for her.

“That was really good.” Catherina smiled like a cat having gotten to the cream pot.

Letting herself fall into the warm, soft bed, Elena sighed happily and hugged Catherina to her slick, heaving chest while murmuring terms of endearment in her native tongue.

“I was afraid you’d grow bored with this…with me.” Elena admitted, abashed, running her fingers over Catherina’s nipples which made her arch up, insatiable, longing for Elena’s bare hands on her skin.

“Oh Lena, you should sleep with a man. Honestly, there’s not much to it. And this was amazing, don’t get me wrong, it was…you can’t imagine, but you don’t have to do that. I want you, I want your hands on me, I want whatever you are willing to give. Don’t pretend to be someone or something else to satisfy me when all I really crave is you…just the way you are.” Catherina laughed and plunged her hands down, between Elena’s spread legs, kneading the soft, warm, welcoming flesh with nimble fingers.

Moaning softly, Elena surrendered to the onslaught and all of her doubts and insecurities vanished under the soft fingertips of her love that drew ever smaller circles around her clit, having her heaving for breath before ever reaching their destination.

“Caleb.” Elena panted warningly, but Catherina brushed that away with a playful swat at her inner thighs.

“Scream for me.” She whispered into Elena’s ear before increasing the pressure of her fingers.

Digging her nails into Catherina’s back, Elena arched upwards, pressing her chest into Catherina’s waiting, eager mouth and let loose something that sounded a lot like a warcry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read this, I hope that you enjoyed it.
> 
> If you have not read this, you won't have missed much as far as the overarching plot is concerned...
> 
> :)


	36. 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter of pure fluff today :)

36

“So what did you do today?” Lin asked.

Blushing furiously, Jonathan tried to avoid his eyes and his question, but Lin clasped his face in his hands and made him look at him. Jonathan felt his colour rise and his resolution melt away.

“Elena dragged me to a sex shop.” He muttered reluctantly.

Lin’s eyes widened as his head snapped up to better feel out Jonathan’s expression.

“And??? Come on, don’t make me pull every word out of you. Talk to me.” Lin begged and Jonathan implored him to change the subject then, but Lin refused flatly.

“I don’t know. We walked around a bit and…” – “Did you get me something?”

Lin sounded excited but Jonathan was pretty sure that presenting his heart-broken lover with a butt plug in this very moment would be incongruous at best, but more likely would end in a complete and utter disaster.

“Lin, can we talk about this another time? A time when we’re not both sniffling?” Jonathan tried again, but Lin was adamant, he really needed the distraction and spotting the bag Jonathan had carelessly shoved halfway under the couch, he made a heroic plunge for it.

“Miranda! NO!” Jonathan screeched and would have laughed if he had seen himself, but in the moment itself, all the colour had drained from his face and he groped for Lin, trying to restrain him and keep him from getting to the bag.

“Groff! YES!” Lin mocked his excited tone, wriggled far enough out of his desperately clutching hands to snatch up the bag and simply upended it on Jonathan’s chest to forage in the contents that tumbled out.

“Interesting.” He cried out, holding up the butt plug.

Oh, of course, he would not shove condoms or lube into Jonathan’s face, no, naturally he would choose the most compromising item and brandish it like a badge of honour or a particularly damning piece of evidence.

Blushing and paling in rapid succession, Jonathan stared at the object with horror as if he had never seen anything like it and definitely had no idea where this specific specimen came from.

“So, you don’t plan on leaving me. At least, you didn’t until I came home a mess and…” Lin babbled now, surprised and weirdly intrigued by the plug and still trying to get a grip on the roiling storm in his soul.

“WHAT??? Leaving you? How?” Jonathan shortly wondered if the plug was magic and had somehow swallowed both his intelligence in general and his eloquence in particular.

“Well…we are kind of dating? Aren’t we? Are we? Jonathan? Groffsauce? Say something.” Lin sounded increasingly alarmed and Jonathan thought dreamily how wonderful his voice sounded as it climbed ever higher until the shrill notes stopped being charming and registered as being alarming and alarmed in his overworked and short-circuited brain.

“I don’t know. Are we? I mean…” Wow, yeah no, his words were not yet back.

“I thought…As horrible as it sounds in this present situation with Vanessa and all, but yeah, I’d like to think that we are and that we’d be…exclusive?”

Jonathan laughed, laughed until his sides hurt and his whole frame quivered with exhaustion.

“Damn you, Lin. You sleep in my bed. How could we be anything but exclusive? Do you take me for a man-whore or what? And yeah, just say the word. I’ll date you faster than you can rap, my man.”

“The word. No, in earnest. Erm…would you like to be my…significant other? My…boyfriend, I guess?” Lin uttered, blushing beautifully, his dark eyes sparkling again with joy and excitement.

“Yeah. Hell yeah.” Jonathan replied immediately, not wasting a second to think about it or play coy.

“And just for the record, I am sorry you feel this bad about this day and I’d do about anything to alleviate your pain. I have never, not for one second, thought about quitting on you though. I couldn’t. How could I?” He then went on, taking both of Lin’s hands into his.

And the words were there, at the tip of their tongues, they were hovering, ready to fall out and rip the world apart until it came tumbling down in an avalanche around them.

But the day had taken its toll and they were both too exhausted and too afraid to let go of the strung bow of their soul to loosen an arrow without knowing who it might wound or kill.

This was enough for a day, for this day at least.

“Let’s get you to bed, warm and snuggly and all of this…”, Jonathan pointed to the contents of the bag as much as to the contents of his heart, “is for another day when we’re both a little bit steadier, huh?”

Lin looked up at him, at well over 30, he still had a kind of schoolboy-charm and the huge wondering eyes of a child. Jonathan’s laughter was etched into his memory, that free, open-mouthed guffawing that made his heart beat just a little bit faster and Lin smiled at his own recollection of the sound. People who only ever heard him singing had not the slightest idea how beautiful his voice really was, at night, when he whispered sweet nothings into his ear or in the morning, when he called his name through the apartment.

For someone that blindingly handsome, Jonathan was still very much an awkward countryside-lad sometimes and no matter what life had put him through, he was quick to tell a funny story and laugh at jokes. Lin loved his energy, could have drowned in it, was regenerated by it and he needed it right now.

As he was tucked into bed, Lin closed his eyes, thinking about this other side of Jonathan he had never fully fathomed. Caring and much more cautious than he himself, Jon looked after people as if it cost him nothing, not shying away from making a fool of himself to see someone else smile.

“Why are looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?” Jonathan asked suddenly, pulling Lin out of his mooning.

“Beauty.” Lin replied simply and closed his eyes, only to see Jonathan’s face flashing through his mind, growing slightly older frame by frame, maturing, and when the picture he just had closed his eyes upon rose up, Lin knew with overwhelming certainty and need, that he wanted to see this face for many years to come.

He wanted to see that hair turn grey and thin, wanted to see the clouds of old age pass over the endless ocean of those eyes and hold these hands until they were nothing more than paper clad bones.

“Awwww.” Jonathan pressed his lips against Lin’s forehead, overcome with a love so unutterable that it left his mind reeling.

“You really DO have great hair.” Lin mused quietly, running his fingers through it and giggling when Jonathan made a sound that could have been either an expression of agreement or offence.

Jonathan did not know if he had great hair, he was born with it and hadn’t given it as much thought as people presumed he did, and either way, it was only hair but Lin had a tendency to latch on to the weirdest little details and then milk them for days on end. Like Ricky Martin and his hair and a thousand other small things.

He would never quite understand how that miracle that was Lin’s mind worked, but he was honoured to be allowed to watch it churn and spit out the most wondrous things.

Hit, out of the blue, with a powerful feeling of peace, Jonathan sighed against Lin’s skin. It had been a long, gruelling day but they were both here, holding onto each other, waiting for the dread to fade away and for sleep to come. It was sweet and domestic and as addictive as it was unexpected.

“Good night…Jon? Would it break your heart to leave the apartment?” Lin was already half asleep and still babbling, a habit that made Jonathan chuckle.

“The apartment? No, baby. No.” He laughed softly, stroking his hair and breathing in time with Lin until he had drifted off for good.

What did he care about the apartment? If Lin had chosen to, he’d have slept under a bridge, in the dressing room or in the Buckingham palace, he didn’t care a bit where as long as Lin would be curled up against him, mumbling in his sleep and clutching him as if he was the most precious thing in the world. This was all he needed, all he, or any man for that matter, could ever ask for and he would be damned if he let that go for a lousy flat.


	37. 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and smut in quick succession...And food...But mainly fluff and smut ;)
> 
> Enjoy

37

When Jonathan opened his eyes, he immediately felt that something was different, something was off.

His worst fears came flooding in within the span of a few seconds: Lin had gone back to his wife, he had fallen and cracked his head open, he…

“Hello Groff.” The door opened and there he was, very much alive, in his underwear, holding a tray Jonathan was very confident he had never seen before in his life from which the smell of coffee and pancakes wafted over.

“I’ve promised you courtship, remember?” Lin said with a little smile that was still brittle around the edges but heart-wrenchingly beautiful, nonetheless.

“Where did you get that tray from? Why didn’t you wake me up? What?” Jonathan muttered, amazed and confused by the gesture and aroused by the sight.

Hinting at a shrug, hindered by the very tray they were talking about, Lin admitted that he had stolen it from the house and that he had wanted to surprise Jonathan with his romanticising.

To that, Jonathan couldn’t say much, so he opened and closed his mouth like a demented guppy without uttering a single word.

“Looks like it has worked.” Lin beamed, setting the tray on the nightstand and taking off a cup of coffee that he handed to Jonathan with the sweetest smile he was capable of.

“I want to take you out after the show. I want to take you dancing.” And holding out his hand, Lin added almost shyly: “Will you go out with me?”

Jonathan almost gasped for air, a thousand thoughts rushing through his brain with the speed and the violence of a freight train. Out? Where people could see him? Where people could see them? They had been out together and yet, this was different, he was afraid people would know.

“They know, Jon, everybody knows that I am head over heels into you. It won’t come as a surprise.” Lin answered his racing thoughts, or maybe his petrified face, softly.

“Do they? Are you?” He sipped on his coffee and promptly burned his tongue.

“They do and I am.” Lin chuckled, sitting down on the edge of the bed and laying one hand gently on Jonathan’s knee, drawing patterns on it over the blanket.

“I do. I’d love to come with you, but…”

Vanessa. The people. The press. Vanessa. Vanessa…The children. Your career.

“Yes, I am sure. Yes, I’ve spoken to Vanessa who has laughed at me for even insinuating that it could shock anyone. Yes, I’ve asked Cat and Lena to come. Cat said she didn’t want to go anywhere with people as famous and camera-lusty as us, but she has ended up agreeing. No, I won’t be too inappropriate.” Lin counted down all the things Jonathan could have said in protest in his warm, steady voice that always convinced Jonathan that it made no sense to argue.

“Can’t I be a little proud about having scored the grand prize? Like…allow a man to brag.”

Jonathan gasped in fake indignation: “AM I A TROPHY WIFE?”

The face Lin made in response was hilarious, partly abashed and shameful and partly mischievous and unerringly amused.

“I am…Okay, what do you want me to wear then?” Jonathan sighed, blew on his coffee and took another mouthful of thankfully slightly cooled liquid.

“Hmmm? I get to choose? Oh, a button-down for sure. A blue one, to compliment your eyes and maybe one of those indecently well-fitting dress pants?”

Jonathan knew exactly what kind of outfit was meant even though he had never actually thought that anything complimented his whatever or that his trousers were anywhere near indecent. They covered up the lower part of his body which was the very opposite of indecent if someone was to ask him…which nobody did.

“As you wish, master.” He bowed mockingly, but his face made very clear that he approved of Lin’s decision and would follow it closely.

“So…we still have some time before heading over to the theatre. Won’t you tell me what you have intended with all of that lube?”

Blushing and almost dropping his mug on the parts of him that were called to attention by Lin’s words, Jonathan cursed Elena and her decision to buy the biggest, brightest and boldest bottle of lube anyone had ever seen.

“Maybe after the breakfast that I made for you with my own two hands? See? See how I am wooing you?” Lin crawled up and settled between Jonathan’s legs, his back against his chest and his hands running idly up and down his thighs.

Sighing, Jonathan fed Lin and himself pieces of pancake, caught in this blissful, romantic moment and when he kissed Lin in gratitude, he tasted an echo of sugar and syrup on his tongue. It was intoxicating. It was indecent. It made him hungrier than he’d ever been in his whole life.

And then, Lin shifted his weight and his phone went off, playing the video he probably had been watching while cooking. Jonathan was shocked to discover that it was some very old episode of Glee, one in which he was prominently featured which was the main reason why he recognized it so quickly.

Cocking one eyebrow, Jonathan waited for Lin to explain, momentarily ripped out of the sexy mood by his own voice pretending to be the one of a teenager.

“Uh…Yeah well…” Lin stammered helplessly.

“You’re one hell of an actor. You are nothing like that mean, stupid kid…” He went on, turning the full force of his hypnotising puppy eyes upon Jonathan.

“Thank you.” Jonathan replied weakly, strangely touched by Lin’s embarrassment more than by the actual fact of him watching videos. It was not as if Jonathan did not have a secret YouTube account which suggested primarily videos of Lin talking and singing.

“So…the lube?” Lin changed the subject so quickly, that Jonathan had to blink a few times to get his mind back on track.

“Well…You know that I don’t have a vagina, right?” Jonathan lifted the blanket just to illustrate the point and even though Lin was absolutely aware of this lack, he studied the exposed body parts with detail-oriented interest.

“Hmmm, yeah, let me check again, yeah, right, nope, no vagina…” He mumbled, letting his fingers glide over Jonathan’s skin, lifting and tugging, caressing and teasing all the while.

“This makes penetrative sexual intercourse a little more…time-consuming…” Holding back a moan, Jonathan did his best to sound scientific and in control of the situation.

“Uhuh, tell me more?” Eager eyes, huge, dark, endless were following the movement of his lips as if it painted a visual picture in the scented air.

“This…”, Lin’s fingers didn’t stop moving on his skin, trailing up and down his thighs while listening which coated Jonathan’s detached voice in a thick layer of barely disguised arousal, “makes the use of lubricants sorely necessary. You have voiced an interest in such procedures, so, I wanted to make sure that this option would be available at any moment of your choosing.”

“How convenient. Very thoughtful of you.” Lin purred, his fingers literally playing a melody on Jonathan’s inner thighs.

“I’ll have you know, that I am not a pianoforte.” Jonathan groaned, the muscles in his legs twitching and twisting, his whole body aching to press into Lin’s.

“Hmmm, duly noted, Jon. Maybe you’re a flute?”

As that syrupy mouth kissed its way down his chest, his stomach, idled on his belly button and then ventured further, Jonathan tried to keep his wits together, to set his half-emptied cup back on the tray before spilling cold coffee on the both of them and to keep a grip on the rising storm inside his guts.

Lin would have told Jonathan that he liked the idea and was eager to try it, but unfortunately, his mouth was otherwise occupied so he tried to convey the message by slipping his hand under Jonathan, cupping his ass with less finesse or tenderness than intended because Jon started writhing beneath him, his own hands flying blindly over Lin’s body beside him.

There was time. Time for words and time for tenderness, but right now, the urging lust and the desperate need for relief eclipsed all other thoughts or possible schemes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, small reminder, feel free to leave a comment or anything to make my day and let me know that someone is actually reading and maybe even enjoying this...
> 
> Thank you so much <3


	38. 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I was in a rush yesterday :/
> 
> So, today, a chapter of discomfort and anxiety

38

Gasping for breath, as he had been for the last minutes, Lin let his eyes wander around the room idly until they fell on a few sheets of colourful paper protruding of one of Jon’s hoodies, one he had worn recently.

His curiosity awoken, he scrambled out of bed to make for the hoodie and heard Jonathan gasp behind him, stammering quickly that he wasn’t to touch it.

“What is it?” Lin asked, confused, when Jonathan positively leapt out of bed to grab the papers and shove them behind his back.

“Nothing. I don’t want to talk to you about it yet.”

Lin frowned, in his opinion, there were too many things that Jonathan didn’t want to talk about and he wasn’t shy about saying so out loud.

“You can trust me.” He added softly, waiting for Jonathan to reply.

“I feel stupid about it.” Jonathan finally mumbled, bringing forward the papers and showing them to Lin.

They were brochures, gaudy and inviting, for Spanish classes.

“Why would you…” The amused expression on Lin’s face dissolved as the penny fell and his face mirrored surprise, understanding, joy and tenderness in a quick succession.

“I have been surrounded by people who speak Spanish and I intend to keep those people around. The children, I expect, are bilingual. And…I want to understand what you’re whispering to me in your sleep…If you find that intrusive, say so and I won’t do it.” Jonathan rushed into speech as if it was less embarrassing to be found out if he explained his motives as fast as possible.

“Intrusive? Damn, Jon, that’s the sweetest thing I could have imagined. Jeez.” Lin plopped down on the floor where he stood and cradled his face in his hands, touched beyond words and struggling to not melt into a blubbering mess again.

Jonathan had said “the children”, not “your children”, his tone light and casual, as if it was obvious that his kids would be a part of his life from now on.

Lin had grown up in the States, his English was perfect, for heaven’s sake, he was a writer, so there was no reason on earth to learn Spanish for him. Except love.

“Did you plan on telling me?” He asked, tilting his head up, staring into Jonathan’s troubled eyes to read shame and discomfort there.

“No? I…as I said, I feel stupid.” Jonathan shrugged and Lin could almost see his heart beating frantically in the pulsing of the veins in his neck and in the creeping blush that invaded his face at a steady pace.

“Oh, _mi corazón_, you have nothing to feel stupid about. I would never have dreamt such a thing, but even if you will not go through with it, I feel overwhelmed by the idea that you even considered doing such a thing.” Leaping up, Lin threw his arms around Jonathan and pressed his whole face into his chest to keep himself from crying like little girls in movies always did.

He would have been unable to explain to Jonathan, or to anyone for that matter, how much it meant to him that, after a life of adaptation and blending in, someone as American as Jonathan would try to be more like him, to take on some of his traits and competences.

He loved his mother tongue, and, he realised, Jonathan was right, it was something private, something domestic to him, something he was proud of, immensely so, but nonetheless always something close to his heart and often out of the public eye.

So, by considering learning it, Jonathan had actually expressed his willingness to merge with that private, intimate part of his life in a quite definitive way.

Words failed when it came to that kind of casual commitment that went so much deeper and spoke so much louder than whispered declarations of love under the sheets.

“You could tutor me?” Jonathan laughed, raising an eyebrow, but Lin still saw that wide-open, defenceless, vulnerable emotion lingering in his eyes.

“I’d love to. You honour me.” Bowing his head, Lin kissed his hands slowly, one by one.

“Then it is settled. I will do my utter best to learn another language at 34.” Jonathan rolled his eyes but his mouth curved into a smile and Lin couldn’t resist kissing that smile, absorbing it, feeling it resonate inside his chest like the sound sunshine would make.

“I’m nervous.” Catherina paced the room, patting her hair, slipping in and out of her shoes.

“Do you have prepared a speech?” Elena asked, smoothing the long green dress she wore for the opening night of Catherina’s series of plays.

“No. Kind of. In my head.” Catherina gave back, still pacing.

“Stop.” Elena hugged her, “I will be there. So will Lin and Jon. Cal. Jeff. We shall be there and we have your back. All will be well.”

Catherina smiled awkwardly, because Elena didn’t know what kind of speech she had prepared in her mind. The words were ready like a loaded gun and she was second-guessing herself for the last time before letting the bullet fly.

She bit her lip all the way to the theatre until her mouth felt like a bloody pulp and she couldn’t shake the taste of blood on her tongue.

“Break a leg.” Jonathan strode up to her, his hair tousled in the most artful of fashions and the dark grey suit fitting like a glove. He looked glorious, she could see it now. Or was it Lin’s eyes, riveted on the man before her, dark and intensive, glued to Jonathan’s every move?

“You’ll do great. We’ll be there behind the scenes and take you back to your seat as soon as you’re done.” Lin smiled, hugging her tightly and breathing a kiss upon her heated cheek.

Catherina watched a man introduce her in a long and rambling speech. The heiress. The benefactor. The altruist.

She was about to shatter that image, the picture of the good girl with her pigtails and her shy eyes. They were about to witness what she had become in the meantime while they had their backs turned.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Elena clutching her handbag nervously, impatient to see what Catherina would do and say.

Still half-heartedly listening to the man droning on and on, Catherina also caught a glimpse of Lin pushing Jonathan against some prop, that toppled over noisily, and then kissing him passionately before stepping back and giving her a thumbs up.

That man knew no shame sometimes, Catherina thought and channelled Lin’s energy, his insatiable hunger for life and change, Jonathan’s calm and steady belief in doing the right thing and Elena’s bravery in the face of adversity.

Faces passed before her inner eye, old relatives kneeling in their hut, her friends being silly, Oak’s persistent attempt to be her friend.

While the man described a woman who had everything, Catherina thought of those less fortunate and the strength of her resolve steadied her fraying nerves and her beating heart.

It was luxury to be able to choose one’s battles, she knew and this was the one she had picked.

“We’ll be waiting here.” Elena called, waved at Catherina as she was called upon the stage to welcome her illustrious guest this night and then grabbed Lin and Jonathan each by one hand to listen to Catherina’s speech from the side-lines.

Oak joined them shortly after, dragging Anthony with him.

“There are seats, you know?” Lin hissed but Oak only raised one eyebrow and murmured: “Pot meet kettle, huh?”

Then they fell into silence when Catherina straightened her shoulders, her back, lifted her head high and started walking slowly, throwing one last glance upon her friends.


	39. 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catherina's passionate speech today...An intimate hope that I harbour myself somewhere...

39

Catherina stepped upon the stage and into the spotlight in a heavy black coat, the fur glistening in the blinding light pouring over her. The point of no return.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” she started and smiled, “welcome here tonight. I see many familiar faces in the audience today and I’m grateful for that.

Some of you have come for me and I will come back to you as it is proper, but allow me to address some other people first.

For those who loved my father and who are here to pay tribute to him, you’re in for a harsh awakening but even you’ll have to wait.”

She gritted her teeth before going on, steadying her breath.

“I see before me people who have loathed, envied, despised and hated my father and I am sorry to say, you’ve been fooled. This is not a show of hypocrisy, this is my declaration of war upon you.”

Gasps in the audience, a bitter smile from Catherina before she continued.

“Today, I am here to tell you that I will no longer stand for the world I’ve grown up in. All your generous donations have gone to people more deserving and to their needs and I am proud to announce that this is the first step towards a better future.

Maybe I am not the right person to say all this, but someone has to make a start, so here goes. I am yours. I am one of you. And as such, I want you to take responsibility. For your Jews and your Muslims, for your brown people all around the world, for your poor and your sick. They are not yours? Yes, they are, they are as much yours as I ever have or will be.

Listen, we’re one generation of people and what we create is passed on and all we do is collect treasures for ourselves.

I stand before you today to show you what I intend to do with the treasures my father has hoarded in secret chambers and luxurious buildings all over the world. I shall take care of the next generation, of as many of them as possible, because we are ONE generation, we are ONE world.”

Catherina’s breath was now laboured and her cheeks were flushed with anger.

“You may have loved or hated my father. Either way, you’ve respected his business.”

She spread her arms wide and laughed without humour.

“Here we are, the rich, the successful, the chosen ones for whom no rules apply. We MAKE the rules…don’t we? So, we can change the rules if we so choose and I choose to do just that.

And you can run and hide, but you are few and we are legion.” Her voice thundered.

“We are the ones who made it to the top on the back of other people. Lesser people in our eyes. What about all the others? Where were we when storms hit islands? Where are we when wars ravage countries? Where are we when injustice breaks people’s spirits? How many more successful people never arise because they were not given a chance?”

Pointing accusing fingers to the audience and banging them upon her own chest with violence, Catherina spoke on:

“We exploit them for their resources, for their manpower, we squeeze them and leave them hanging. Don’t we? And we think that it’s okay because nobody stops us. I shall endeavour to stop us. This I solemnly vow.”

She spun around and her eyes drilled into a group of middle-aged men in suits.

“And you, dear politicians. Leaders of the world, you only speak one language. The words of money and profit is all that penetrates the veil of contentment around you. Well, then hear those words. If you won’t listen to reason and compassion, you shall listen to the money and its claim for justice. We will no longer be cowed, kept in obscurity, locked in fear and poverty and despair. As I said, we are many and will shall prevail.”

She faced the audience now, radiating anger and power, her father’s daughter in all her glory.

“Hear me when I say, the future is here. We are the ones singing your songs and starring in your shows, we build and clean your estates, we are your children, we are your friends and we shall no longer be kept underneath you because it suits you better.”

Awkward chuckling was heard from the audience.

“Oh, you think I’m just a silly girl? Dreaming of a fair chance for everybody? I told you, we are many, oh, so many, you can’t even begin to understand. And do I want you to stop making money? No, I want you to make more money, be more productive, be more successful by being the first to explore new markets, by hiring people based upon their competence rather upon their gender, colour, sexuality or religion, by turning the world into a place where everybody can thrive and contribute.”

Now, there was dead silence in the room, people were staring at Catherina as she tore of the coat and the diamond necklace and stood before them in the weirdest dress anyone had ever seen.

“I am you. I am your child. I am begging you to consider helping those who may make your fortune, I am asking you to change the world not only for your own blood but for your whole species.” Catherine suppressed the sob, but her tears spilled over her burning cheeks.

“Let me now honour those who have inspired me, nurtured me, helped me grow.” She went on, pointing to Elena’s parents and family and to the row of elderly people sitting with Cal.

“Let’s build a world like the one they have given me, a world where no child is afraid or ashamed of its colour, religion, social status or sexual orientation. You, who have burdened me with the knowledge of having “impure” blood and the “wrong” gender, look upon people who shared their time, their love, their food and so much more with me and be humbled by it.” She pointed to the dress and it dawned upon the members of the audience that it was a patchwork of children’s clothes, traditional indigenous garb and fan-shirts, artfully sewn together and hugging Catherina’s shivering body.

“Let me tell you, I remember every single time help and comfort was denied to me, but these moments are overshadowed by people to whom I can’t ever repay the debt of love and care I find myself in. I don’t want to take anything away from you, I want to make you richer, I want to give you this love, the colours, the tastes, the music. Don’t you see?”

Lulu started crying and the elderly relatives lifted their hands in a traditional expression of reverence and respect towards Catherina.

“This is my legacy and if it erases everything my father has been or done, so be it.” She proclaimed, her voice strong and clear as a bell.

Cal was the first to stand. Then Jeff rose, pulling Christelle up and calling: “I stand with you.”.

The next was a mousy woman, heiress of a pharmaceutical imperium who only inherited after her brother had died of a drug overdose after long years of depression, screaming “And I” loudly. “Me too.” A young man said, a second born son who had been disinherited for marrying an African woman and whose brother had only rectified the injustice after their father’s death. More and more young people arose and yelled their agreement.

“We are legion. We claim the future even if it means ripping it out of your grasping, close-fisted hands.” Catherina nodded and the faces that had been mocking only a few minutes ago, closed as shame painted its signature on their expressions.

“You did your best to break your own children to make them fit the mould and we are here to tell you that we won’t perpetrate your crimes. We strive towards a world where children are safe and happy, where they can love and marry whomever they want, where they have a right to education and prospects in life. You traced our paths, but we shall stray so that everybody may reach the finish line.

So, you see, this is not an event, this is the start of a mission. That’s all. Thank you for coming, I hope you’ll enjoy this wonderful display of the arts that you won’t fund because you have better stuff to do…which is neither education nor health care, huh?”

Grinning, Catherina let her microphone drop to the floor and left the stage in a measured pace, feeling a thousand pounds lighter and stifling a sob when the painful silence broke to a roar of applause.

“To Catherina, to us!” Elena yelled at the top of her lungs, plunging towards Catherina and pulling her back into the spotlight to kiss her gently.

“To hell with caution, to hell with them.” Catherina growled and returned the kiss fiercely, leaving no room for speculation or rumours.

The applause crashed like a wave upon a rocky cliff around them, but they were oblivious to the sound because this kind of love didn’t need the approval of strangers, never would.


	40. 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catherina decides to have a brawl and Oak intervenes...

40

Turning around, Catherina giggled and, picking up her microphone again, announced: “I give you the Westside Story. Enjoy.”

Her eyes were cold and hard as flintstones as she turned away once more and, holding Elena’s hand, walked off the stage into the waiting arms of her friends.

“You were amazing.” “Wonderful.” “So proud of you.”

Words and voices blurred in her mind and she finally shed the tears she had been holding back so heroically before. “I hope they’re afraid.” She sobbed.

“They are. Hell, I was about to crawl under my seat. That schoolmistress look and the honest anger. Damn, girl…” Oak lifted his right hand as if under oath and that made her laugh again.

Chatting, they returned to their places where Caleb stood, tears staining his face.

“Sister.” He simply said and touched his forehead to her hand in wordless reverence.

“Oh Cal, I did it. I declared war upon them. Now, all the world may know.” She said resolutely, a grim smile hardening her soft traits.

“They shall. I have done as you have recommended and we’ll be expanding the business to rising countries, be the first on the market.” He explained and then, stopping himself, looked to the stage being lit.

“That’s a conversation for another time. I’m proud of you.” He whispered and, handing her a pack of handkerchiefs, went back to his seat.

“Oh Reina…” Elena sighed when Catherina sobbed into her third tissue, her whole makeup having melted of her face.

“Wha-a-at?” Catherina snapped and pointed at a discreetly sniffling Jonathan.

“You’re beautiful.” Elena replied and pulled yet another tissue free of the clinging plastic wrap to hand it to her friend.

Catherina had always been the kind of girl who cried – a lot – over the death of fictional characters and it had been an emotional few days for her, so Elena wasn’t really surprised that Tony’s demise tore her apart, but it still touched her to see Catherina so heart-broken.

Her empathy was the curse of her life and her biggest inspiration. Such were the prices of greatness, Elena mused, heavy to carry.

“Awwww…I’d shoot them if they killed my pretty white boy.” Lin murmured, holding Jonathan’s hand between his own.

Even when they became clammy and Jonathan, ever slightly embarrassed of it, tried to withdraw his hand, Lin held on.

“You would not.” Jonathan murmured, his voice weighed down by silent tears.

“I might.” An undertone of steel had crept into Lin’s own voice as he thought about the terrible idea of losing Jonathan to that kind of hate crime. Suddenly, his own chest felt compressed and he had to clear his throat a few times under the disguise of the roaring applause before being able to trust his own voice again.

They sat through the encore and then waited for Catherina to come back after she had gone away to powder her nose and change her dress.

“This takes too long.” Elena was growing restless and worried when Catherina had not come back after almost half an hour of absence.

Her family from Canada was also waiting for her, but she was nowhere to be seen.

“Guys? Come…Trouble.” Anthony stepped out of a hallway and waved to them frantically.

They were just in time to hear a tall, young man in an exquisite suit sneer:

“So that’s the company you keep now?” His accent was distinctly British and he leant against a pillar in a most arrogant and irreverent way.

“Spaniards, negros and that Mormon ass-cowboy. Real classy, Catherina. I have to admit, really exquisite. And what’s with that stripper? Mummers and prostitutes…I must say, I am impressed. How the mighty have fallen.”

Catherina had gone to school with Henry and she had been more than just a little surprised when he had waited outside of the ladies’ room for her. She hadn’t even known that he was here and it had indeed not been a pleasant surprise.

For a short time during their college years, Henry had thought that he’d court her but his arrogance and his utter contempt for other people unlike him had repulsed Catherina to such a degree that she hadn’t even wanted to have a polite conversation with him. Apparently, he still hadn’t forgiven her for that.

At first, before his mouth had opened, she had been tempted to wriggle herself out of a discussion by denying everything and anything and just leaving, but as the words fell into the silence like boulders, her eyes widened.

“What did you just say? What did you call my friends?”

She seemed to retract, to become smaller, to recoil and the man seemed sure of his victory.

“Catherina.” Oak plucked her out of the air as she flung herself towards the man.

“You damn fool, she may be a small lady, but when a woman is about to turn herself into a coil spring and unleash unholy hell upon you, you should step back, you know?” He said casually to the man, staring in horror at Catherina’s outstretched hands, clawing at the air.

“Let me…” She panted, but Oak held onto her despite her frantic movements.

“Hmmm, I think you should leave before Oak decides to let her go. Would be a real shame for such pretty eyes.” Jonathan had never sounded more effeminate or cheaply flirtatious, but the pure horror and disgust in the man’s face when he spun around and literally ran down the corridor was worth it.

“Reina. Calm down.” Elena stroked the burning cheek and felt flattered and immensely touched by the white-hot fury that made Catherina’s eyes huge and round.

“Did you hear what that…what he said???” Catherina screeched, unmindful of how the pretty black dress she wore rode up her legs in Oak’s grip.

“Damn you, Reina. We’re all older than you, taller too. Let that weasel talk, there’s no need for you to…” Elena went quiet, because Catherina now looked at her with that serious, earnest look she had always had.

“Yes, there is, Lena. I will not tolerate that kind of talk, not at my event, not in my presence. I love you. You are my friends and I will defend you. You cannot fault me for that. I would have trashed his ass.”

“That’s for sure, little lady. Nice jump. Now, I’ll let you down and you’ll promise not to beat the poor fool?”

Catherina nodded solemnly and smoothed her dress and her hair as soon as her feet touched the ground.

“Oh Reina, you are a real pearl.” Elena laughed and kissed her passionately.

“He had no right. How the mighty have fallen, ha! I am fine, I am wonderful.” Catherina spat and, taking a deep breath, straightened her shoulders as she saw her brother and her aunts arrive.

“We had to keep your sister from brawling.” Lin informed Cal casually and the aunts stopped dead in their tracks to look at Catherina inquisitively.

“Henry…He came here to insult me, my life choices, my friends…” Catherina was once again flushed with anger.

“Oh child, next time make sure you’re armed.” One elderly woman said coolly and smiled.

“Well that bag of meat? I could have beaten him to a pulp with my bare hands.” Catherina replied in cold voice, flashing her long nails and her sharp little teeth.

“I’m sure of that. You were never much of a lady at times…It’s good to see you grow into your own skin, child.” Another old woman said and kissed Catherina on the cheek.

“Brawling…” Cal shook his head, started to laugh but stopped abruptly.

“Henry, you say?” He now sounded seriously upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday and might post another chapter later today to make up for it :)


	41. 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Transition chapter to make up for my not posting yesterday ;)

41

“Hmmm, why?” Catherina replied casually, her anger slowly ebbing off.

“He’s a creep and I don’t like that he waited here for you. Alone.” Cal looked up and down the dark, secluded corridor and thought of all the terrible things Henry could have done to his sister out of spite and hate.

Catherina shrugged, she hadn’t thought that far and she was still too furious to feel afraid.

“Your brother is right. Maybe that dude deserves a good beat-down after all?” Lin wondered aloud, getting a nod both from Jonathan and Elena.

“You really think he intended to hurt me?” Catherina gasped.

_Oh, but he has hurt you_, Elena thought, her heart bleeding for her friend when she saw the feverish gleam in Catherina’s eyes. _That soft, brave heart of yours has taken a blow_.

“He’s too much of a coward for that.” Oak shrugged, impressed by Catherina’s fury and convinced that the poor man would have gotten his ass handed to him if he had tried to assault Catherina.

“You haven’t changed a bit, have you?” The elderly aunt chuckled and mussed Catherina’s hair, looking at it disapprovingly.

Catherina had had long, dark hair when she was a child; now, she had cut it off for some reason and even though it definitely looked pretty, her aunt missed the long braids of a girl.

She hadn’t seen the child as much as she would have wanted to and she was shocked to find a grown woman standing before her, her head cocked defiantly and her mouth set in a stark line.

“Personally, we think that it’s quite impressive how you’ve escaped your father’s path.” The aunts went on, nodding in agreement, looking at the people closing in around Catherina in a protective manner that warmed their hearts.

As a child, Catherina would always stand alone in doorways and in empty halls, waiting to be summoned, like a porcelain doll, immobile and mute. Her father’s priced possession, his failure and his legacy at the same time and she had carried the burden with a dignity that far surpassed her years. They also remembered Caleb’s tears, remembered how he’d think and talk about his sister every day and when he moved back to the States, one of his main motivations had been to bond with Catherina again.

“Well…Do I get to see that musical then? The one Cal drove through the night for? The one about the founding father?” Imelda asked, stroking her chin pensively.

“If you want to…I…Imelda? You never said you’d be interested?” Cal gasped, surprised by his aunt with whom he had lived until he had left Canada.

“Oh, but child, I’d love to see the actual kids dancing. I don’t know how, but for months the radio you bought me played the songs at a very consistent interval.” The old woman explained.

“Auntie, they are grown people. They’re not children.” laughed Caleb, remembering that he might have listened to the songs at his aunt’s house and of course, the streaming service would have suggested those same songs to his aunt after he had left again.

“It’s nice music.” Another aunt interjected and the rest of the elderly people nodded.

“We used to sit in Imelda’s kitchen to listen to it together.” One chirped in.

“Awww, you really are the hero of old people.” Jonathan whispered to Lin and brushed his hand discreetly against his hind side.

“Well, we can’t all be Disney-princes.” Lin gave back sharply, well aware of the thousands of young girls who swooned over Jonathan’s eyes and smile.

Catherina promised to try and get her family in, which made them leave happily chatting about music and “children” dancing around on the stage.

“Well, well, well…” Catherina sighed, exhausted and at the same time feeling like she’d never sleep again in her whole life.

“Let’s go out and dance.” Caleb took her arm and they left the theatre together.

“See you soon, Cat.” Jeff was waiting for her, under the artificial lightning storm of the press.

Smiling, Catherina gave him a hug and then turned Christelle to embrace her as well, murmuring how glad she was that Christelle could make it and that she hoped that they had enjoyed the performance.

“You are one hell of an impressive woman.” Christelle replied, hugging Catherina a little longer.

The cameras went berserk over this, but the forgiveness and the love of the moment were too important to Catherina to mind all the vultures around her.

Realising how remiss she had been, Catherina introduced both Jeff and his new fiancée to her friends who, though slightly awkward, were their bright and congenial selves.

“So, that’s my ex-husband’s eternal flame and…well, here’s mine.” She introduced Elena, who blushed, but shook Christelle’s hand earnestly.

“Setting the world right one step at the time, I see.” Jeff said, his smile radiant and warm.

Lin could not really believe that Catherina had ever been married to this man, he was quite a bit older than her and exactly the kind of overbearing, confident man that made Catherina nervous. His easy charm and the stink of wealth were overpowering and even though he seemed nice enough, Lin could easily see the hunger and ambition Jeff didn’t even try to conceal.

“Yeah, no, they were not a good match.” Jonathan agreed, he had followed Lin’s eyes and read the confusion and the disbelief in his eyes. He knew the kind of man well enough and so he knew exactly how Catherina must have hated his calm arrogance. No wonder she had felt so lonely and forlorn in her life with two men in it for whom money and success were the only things that mattered.

But the way Jeff looked at Christelle redeemed him a little bit, there was genuine warmth and tenderness and he seemed to really like Catherina as well, calling her a friend and an inspiration. Nonetheless, Catherina was a people-person deep inside her well-guarded heart and Jeff obviously wasn’t. It was obvious that he loved Catherina and it was just as clear, that he didn’t understand her.

Maybe, he and Christelle were more alike and it was easier for him to guess and fulfil her needs and that was why they were happier together, but Catherina had needed more than what she was used to and Jeff had not been able to provide what he didn’t even consider as a potential desire or need.

Catherina was unused to being photographed in such a manner and smiled shyly when the tornado of screams and flashing lights turned to her.

“Leave her alone.” Lin pleaded in her favour, but that only drove the pitch up.

He was unwilling for her to suffer under the notoriety of the company she kept, but once again, the small woman was about to surprise him by her resilience as she waved slowly and made her way to the waiting car.

Mid-step, she turned around, reaching out a hand to her friends, to Elena, to her brother. Grasping the hand, Elena lifted it to her lips and kissed it devotedly, which made Catherina smile. “Make sure the good people get a glass of water. And let them know what has happened tonight before anyone else blabbers.” She asked of her brother who hurried away to fulfil the gracious order, congratulating Catherina in his mind for her sharp wit. She made sure that what had been said would transpire in a way that wouldn’t play into the hands of fear-mongers and hateful political opponents.

In front of the exclusive club, Catherina had to stop to take a deep breath nonetheless. She had been known but never famous and her face had never interested people half as much as her name. That would change and she wasn’t sure she was ready for it.

Of course, she sang occasionally, she had had ballet lessons as a child and she loved to paint, but unlike her friends, she was not good enough at any of those things to make a career out of it and so, she had spent her life making money in the background, unseen, only ever heard of by likeminded people.

“Ready to be a pariah?” Elena mocked, pulling her through the gaping doors.


	42. 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night and still have begged for more...
> 
> A dancing chapter today...

42

As soon as she was inside, Lin pressed a beer into her palm and Catherina wondered how he could be that fast. Lin had a way of getting through a crowd that never ceased to amaze her.

“Do you need a glass? Damn…Want a glass?” He blabbered, ready to plunge headfirst back into the heaving mass of bodies.

“No. I can drink beer straight from the bottle like a big girl.” Catherina laughed and took a sip, the drink was still cold and she intended to ingest it before that could change.

“I’ll keep an eye on you.” Oak murmured behind her and she rolled her eyes.

Lovely, now she had a bodyguard who was as tall and as menacing as a talking tree.

Not that it would have made any difference as she soon would discover.

“Hey, aren’t you that absurdly rich dude?” A man pushed towards her through the throng.

Catherina was not entirely sure if she would have described herself as a “dude”, but she nodded nonetheless because the rest applied.

“So, I wouldn’t have to buy you a drink?”

She didn’t like the implication he made, but stayed open for what was about to follow.

He winked at her and patted her hip suggestively.

Her eyes widened and before Oak could go berserk on the poor man, her face cracked and she shook with laughter that was drowned out by the mass of people and voices.

“Damn, man, I don’t know what you expect, but I am sure I’ve seen better-looking men in my life. Hell, I am here with better-looking men.” Tears of hilarity streamed down her face as she fought to breathe in.

Cruelly pushing the man into the round of friends, she introduced everybody, grinning as the man paled and stammered.

“Either way, man, I’m sorry, but no thank you. Here’s my date.” Catherina pulled Elena towards her and slung her arm possessively around her waist.

“Oh, you’re a deviant. Sorry, didn’t know.” He shrugged. “Either way, can’t hurt to hit up a rich woman. Have a nice life and such…Well, good evening to you.” He turned sharply on his heels and strode away.

Exasperated, Catherina wondered how many insults she was to endure in a single evening.

She was deviant who spent her time with “mummers and prostitutes”, so maybe she should invest in a fedora hat and a full-body-length coat of fur?

The DJ spotted her and as Caleb had somehow made her the guest of honour tonight, without informing Catherina or any of the other guests, she was asked for a song of her choice to be played. Panicked, she chose “Read all about it” and when the song was played, she sang along in a low voice, still holding Elena to her side.

“Awwww.” Elena sighed against her cheek.

God, she was too old for this, Catherina thought but just as she lost the motivation to be here, they blasted “Satisfied” and everybody swung around to look at Jonathan.

He, of course, wasn’t passing up on the chance to shine and so, for the second time in her life, Catherina looked on as Jonathan and Lin gave a twisted rendition of a song that had touched her heart in so many ways.

After the first notes, Catherina shrugged and let herself melt into the self-forgotten silliness of the moment, singing along and feeling the truth about having to marry rich deep inside her soul. What a life she might have known if she hadn’t been just that, a daughter where a son had been wanted and needed.

The song conveyed a deep passion and gave them a possibility to vent some of the suppressed and swallowed frustration, of the emotional turmoil and of the desperate longing they had all harboured.

And so, in a packed club full of strangers, they sang as if they were alone.

“That’s a good song.” A girl sighed behind them and they all agreed heartily, much to the embarrassment and flushed pleasure of Lin.

“So, do you fantasize at night about me?” Lin whispered into Jonathan’s ear under the guise of setting the collar of his dress-shirt.

“You sleep in my bed at night…Yes, yes, I do.” Jonathan sighed, placing his hand on the outside of Lin’s thigh, far beyond the line of sight of the people, hidden in the crowd.

“Ah…” Biting down for just a moment on Jonathan’s earlobe, Lin drew back a bit, but not enough to lose the subtle touch on his leg.

“Maybe, we should request that Christina Aguilera song again for them?” Elena said mockingly, but in the depths of her heart, she was happy to see them that frivolous and carefree. They were cute. Maybe, she thought, maybe she would get Catherina to draw her a funny comic about them. She had always loved the cute little comics she had done when they were still children.

Another hidden talent, Catherina was really good at inventing ludicrous situations and conversations starring people they knew.

Pop songs and showtunes, rap and techno, some Old School Rock, the music was eclectic and interesting and kept them singing and dancing for quite a while before an acoustic version of “Despacito” invited the partygoers to slow down and grab a partner for a softer song.

Usually, this was where people went to the bathroom or filled up their glasses while a few awkward couples swirled around in slow circles.

“Seems like we’ve come full circle.” Catherina laughed nervously, thinking of that night at Elena’s parent’s house and the scene she had witnessed.

The woman’s voice was beautiful, mournful, soulful and so torturously sensual that it sent shivers down Catherina’s spine.

“Do me the honour?”

It was now or never, Jonathan knew. Lin’s eyes were huge and expectant and he was mouthing the words along while his hand was hovering in the air, showered by light and Jonathan couldn’t resist the pull.

Closing his eyes, he let Lin pull him closer and swing him around gently, his steps guiding Jonathan’s and it felt natural. Soon, they were swaying to the music, hips brushing, breaths mingling in the motionless air, Lin’s hands on the small of his back, his own clenching and unclenching against his shoulders frantically.

And then he caught sight of Catherina’s face, of her black almond eyes full of love and acceptance and something that looked a lot like pride.

It would be okay, even if tomorrow the papers were full of this, even if the world was to know what he had done, it would be alright as long as his friends were there, as long as Lin was here, against his body, inside his mind…

His lips curved into a smile when he heard Lin sing along into his ear, his fingers tapping the rhythm upon the hollow of his back just above his ass.

More than ever, Jonathan wished that he understood every single word of the song, that he was able to grasp the truth behind Lin’s murmured promises.

Elena swept Catherina by, bending backwards in her arms until she could have touched the floor with her palms, smiling up at him knowingly. Elena had ever been a kind of ally in this uphill battle against prejudice, tradition and good old fear.

“Are you alright? You seem upset.” Lin susurrated close to his face and his mind snapped back to the present and all its dangers.

“No, no, I’m not upset. It’s just a lot to take in.”

Jonathan was nervous about the people, Lin knew that, just as he knew that it wasn’t for his own sake for he was openly gay and didn’t mind people knowing.

“You are mine. Say it!” Lin demanded, fanning out his fingers on Jonathan’s ass.

Gasping and blushing alarmingly, Jonathan struggled for a few seconds before he was able to utter: “I am yours.”

“Good.” Lin nodded, not retracting his hands even though the song had ended and people were leaving their dancing embraces. “You know that. Are you ashamed if other people know?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or anything...please?


	43. 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An unorthodox idea today...

43

It was a tad unfair, but Lin needed to disperse that fear, that ridiculous dread that anything and everything Jonathan did would harm Lin in a mysterious but inevitable way.

“NO!”

Lin smiled when he saw indignation and outrage deepen the blush on those rosy cheeks.

“Then stop worrying. There’s no impending doom. Everybody who matters knows already and…” His friends, his wife, everybody had told him that their obvious flirting was common knowledge and that the clips showing their interactions were still very popular on YouTube.

Lin couldn’t quite comprehend how this man, who had kissed him on camera, who had admitted to touching him behind the scenes of Hamilton, who had never made any effort to disguise his deepfelt affection for him, could all of a sudden be so frightful about admitting to having taken their relationship a step further.

He himself had never hidden his honest admiration and heartfelt fondness, talking much too often randomly about Jonathan with friends, family and members of the press.

Words, words were what was needed here and never before had words been that difficult.

So, they sang along to sad love songs and heartfelt declarations, unable to say the words in their own voices and they hated themselves for it.

Catherina gave an eerily haunting lipsync rendition of “Take me to church”, channelling all her anger of this day into her expression, while she sang along to the words that rang so true to her. What did people want of her? What could she give them as a solace or as a bribe?

Beer and exhaustion started to make her mind hazy and she desperately yearned for a silent room and half an hour to herself, but she had learned at a very young age, that these things had to wait sometimes, so she took a few deep breaths and plastered a polite smile on her face.

“We should totally have a sleepover.” She heard Lin squeal and whipped around to understand what was going on.

“We’re old. Let’s go home, but we’re also lonely, so let’s stay together.”

Catherina blinked. Took a breath. Blinked again.

She was 30 years old and with the exception of sneaking Elena into her room and staying at hers when they were children, she had never had sleepovers as a kid. It was embarrassing to her to admit it, but she had no idea what that would entail and she was about to pull out of the idea when Oak proposed they should do it at her place on account of it being by far the biggest.

“Hold up. You’re giving her a heart attack. Cat hasn’t had the rooms prepared.” Caleb mocked, very well knowing that he wasn’t that far off from the truth of the matter.

“Well, let’s see. I sleep in your room…” Elena started counting on her fingers, “Cal has a room.” – “I’ll take the couch with Anthony, no stress.” Oak shrugged.

“Oh, and you can put the token gays in some broom closet.” Elena finished and made Catherina blush and shake her head furiously.

This was not the way things were done, but she didn’t know how things were done in truth, so she stared expectantly at the others, hoping they could give her some insight.

Cal was on board with the idea and promised her that he would take care of stuff and a few minutes later, Catherina found herself in a cab, shaking and her ears ringing from the loud music in the club.

Indeed, they were all grown-ups, what did adults do during a sleepover except have sex with random people? Blushing, Catherina dismissed her own thoughts, embarrassed by the turn they had taken seemingly without her conscious decision.

_Yup, definitely getting rid of that house_, Catherina thought as soon as she entered the cold, unwelcoming foyer.

“You’re back. And you…have company?” Dolores stood in the doorway to the kitchen in a dressing gown, looking suspiciously at Catherina who only shrugged and tried to explain that she was having a sleepover.

“Ah…High time if you ask me. I’ll prepare rooms. How many shall be wanted?” She raised an eyebrow, not judging but definitely curious.

“Well, I guess…two more? Maybe three?” Catherina looked at Anthony who declared that he would indeed sleep in the same room than Oak because he was pretty sure that her house was haunted.

“Two…Let Lin and Jon have the big room.” Catherina smiled in a way that could only be described as wicked.

Elena gasped for she knew what room was called “the big room”. It was Catherina’s father’s room, a spacious bedchamber with a fireplace and a beautiful antique canopy bed and it was beyond a doubt haunted.

Dolores stared at Catherina for a good few seconds before nodding and turning away, the room had been empty for a few months now and she was glad to open the windows and let the cold air stream in. Getting new sheets out the linen closet, she prepared the bed and started a fire in the old grate.

The contrast between the open windows and he slowly dispersing heat of the fire made her shiver, but she went with a broom over the floor, put a vase of flowers on the mantelpiece and shook up the pillows yet again. Before closing the windows again and exiting the room, she looked at the portrait of Catherina as a child hanging opposite the bed and she thanked the Lord that her mistress and friend no longer looked like that sad-eyed wench depicted on the canvas.

This was definitely weird but touching to Dolores and she smiled as she set down a tray of hot chocolate, cold beer and snacks on the low coffee table in the living room while grown-up men and women huddled together on the floor and lounged on couches. There were pillows and blankets everywhere and discreet music played in the background.

Dolores had seen high dignitaries and billionaires sit on these settees, she had heard the bitter silence in a room filled with people and yet, she had never seen anything that impressed her quite as much.

“You’re a real gem.” Elena screeched before pouring herself a cup of hot chocolate and settling back into Catherina’s arms.

“Did you have fun then?” Dolores asked while igniting another fire in this hearth.

She had never had children, so Caleb and Catherina were the dearest people in her life and it made her insanely happy and proud that they had brought friends.

“Can I let the dogs out? Do you want them?” She turned to Catherina, but she shouldn’t have bothered because Catherina always wanted the dogs.

She looked younger somehow, she who had never been a real child with real friends, now sat on the Persian rug and welcomed the dogs with gentle cooing and excited cries.

Her hair had grown a bit and now framed that soft face like a curtain just about to rise and Dolores loved seeing that. She was overjoyed at seeing Catherina laugh at something that had been said and she smiled when she saw Elena toy with a strand of hair at the nape of her delicate neck.

Of course, her father would not have approved, but what he had missed…Dolores looked into the eyes in the room, some light like the summer sky and some dark and smouldering like a winter forest but all of the beautiful and hopeful.

This was what children were supposed to look like for her: full of joy and hunger for life.

Grief had reigned in this house for too long, had penetrated the walls, had seeped into the floorboards. Grief over a life so unlike the one that had been foreseen and planned, grief over chances given away never to come back, grief so crippling it had quenched every single drop of lifeblood of the inhabitants of this abode.

Her father’s way had failed and maybe, just maybe, Catherina and her colourful, joyous friends and their love would prevail, but even if they were to be defeated as well, it was worth a try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for another Kudo...You made my day, dear guest :)


	44. 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slumberparty <3

44

“Have a seat. Tell us more about baby Catherina.” Lin invited her to sit down and so Dolores took place on the sofa against which Catherina was leaning and caressed her head tenderly.

“Catherina was a good child. She was a fussy baby though and when I think back on her childhood, the first thing that comes to mind is the music. There has always been music around her.

When she was very small, her mother and Caleb would sing to her in French and of course, I’d sing to her in Spanish. Then she grew up, speaking French, English and picking up odds and ends in Spanish as well.

With Catherina, there have been songs floating around in German and in Italian in addition to the other languages, so yes, words and melodies…And drawings. Oh, so many drawings.”

Dolores lifted her hands to her chest and sighed, admitting that she had kept every single one of the drawings Catherina had given her over the course of their 30 years together.

Then she let her eyes wander around the room before saying: “I’ve checked all of you up. I’m sorry, but I had to protect my little girl. I was a little unsure about Mister Groff, I didn’t quite like that high school kid or that FBI agent, but he seems to be a nice boy.”

Catherina gasped, she hadn’t known that Dolores monitored not only her friends but also the things she watched.

“Ay, Dolores, why would you watch that?” Elena guffawed, imagining the old lady in her room, the blanket up to her face.

“I made it through the two seasons, I’ll have you know, young lady.” Dolores said pridefully.

There was silence in the room as they all imagined their elderly relatives watch scenes of rape and murder and cringe.

Their contrite faces made Dolores smile.

“It’s a good musical you wrote there, son.” She then said to Lin.

“Thank you.” He beamed, waiting for her to explain.

“I was in the shop only a few days ago and someone played it over the radio. Can you imagine that I know the whole title song by heart? I do. So do a lot of other women. Picture this, me and a group of good housewives jamming to the song and then going on shopping as if nothing had happened.”

Catherina’s jaw now went perfectly slack and she stared up at Dolores in utter amazement.

Cradling her face in her hands, Dolores murmured: “Oh, my darling girl, you’ve left tracks all over my heart, over my life, notes and words carved into the bark of my tree. You don’t even know, do you?”

Catherina shook her head silently.

“So, now I know a lot more than I ever wanted to know.” Dolores sighed and kneaded her hands together when thinking about the hours she had spent on YouTube, listening to these people speak and sing and laugh.

“I did too.” Elena admitted and took Dolores’ hand in hers.

“I did a thorough background check.” Contrary to Dolores, she didn’t feel ashamed of her caution.

“So did I.” Caleb laughed and upon seeing the outraged faces, he cackled gleefully.

“You have to understand, Catherina was really lonely and she would have given you almost anything. I had to make sure that you wouldn’t…”

“Is this about money?” Lin asked sharply, enraged at the idea that someone would think him capable of taking advantage of a woman for financial gain.

“That as well…But no, mainly it is about Catherina’s heart.” Caleb gave back, lifting both his hands in a gesture of apology and good will.

“She doesn’t take care of herself. She got her arm half sliced off when Maria hit the island.”

Huffing, Catherina pulled down her dress to reveal a long scar that ran down her upper arm and contested: “Not really. It was a minor cut.”

“No, it was not. I was there, remember? You bled like a damn pig, sorry Dolores, and I was worried.” Elena’s voice held the violence of her own emotional turmoil.

“I’d never harm you, you know that? I’m sorry if I pushed you. I…” Oak mumbled, remembering how he had almost forced his presence upon Catherina.

Her smile was quick and honest as she assured him that she was grateful for his friendship and for all the things she now knew.

“You are too cautious when it comes to me. I have known solitude and misery, I am not afraid anymore. I can take it.” She tried to convince her friends and family, but her bleeding heart was much too obvious, pulsating in her dark eyes, for anyone to truly believe her.

The doorbell rang and for the first time ever, Dolores could cock an eyebrow at Catherina before going to open the door.

“_Mija_, did you expect any more company? Is that the freaking president?”

Catherina, the two dogs hard on her heels, slid across the corner, giggling wildly.

“None of them are really the president. Lin wrote them.” She laughed and was told rather sternly that they had been real people way before Lin did write anything.

“Ooops?” Anthony poked his very freckled face through the door and smiled disarmingly.

“Ant…what did you do?” Oak scolded him even though it was very clear that he had invited everybody from his cast that he could reach to Catherina’s house.

“Well…that means more glasses.” Dolores shrugged and took the dogs to the kitchen.

“Well, darling, your house looks like a fucking Benetton ad.” Elena said laughingly, wrapping her arms around Catherina from behind and planting little kisses on her neck.

“Didn’t know there would be a chaperone.” The gorgeous African woman smiled and took a glass from Dolores’ hand before turning to her cuddled-up colleagues.

“Don’t mind me. I’ll be turning in for the night. And Catherina, baby? Break stuff, leave empty bottles trailing, be young before it’s too late.”

With that, Dolores waved to the company and made her way out of the room, dragging the unwilling dogs with her to the depths of the house.

“I’ll have the rooms ready. Dear God, a full house.” Wiping away a tear, Dolores put the dogs in her own room before fulfilling duties she had dreamed of many a time.

“Can I have this?” Anthony lifted the vase he had toyed with the very first time he had been in the house and Catherina nodded without even looking what vase it was.

“Damn, Catherina, you really need to be more cautious!” Lin growled, rowing in the air with his arms to get up and finally found his footing thanks to Jonathan’s hands propping up his ass.

Wrestling the vase from Anthony, he put it back where it belonged and looked around.

“There’s a lot of shit to pack up if you really want to sell the house.”

Nodding, Catherina retrieved the vase and handed it to Anthony. “There you go, be happy with it.” She chuckled and Anthony returned to his spot, cradling the antique like a baby.

“Damn you sis, I’ve never expected to see you surrounded by so many handsome men. What a shame that you turned out to be in love with a woman, huh?” Cal swirled the beer in his bottle and looked at Catherina with a teasing smile.

“Handsome, huh?” Catherina cocked one eyebrow and took the measure of the present people and even though she could concede that those were well cut faces, all that stirred within her was the need to draw these people, to capture the warmth and the light of their eyes, the lines of their faces.

Caleb laughed when he saw her fingers twitch, a reflex so natural that Catherina was herself unaware of it, of that he was sure.

Giving in to his sister’s wishes the same way he had always done, he got up and fetched her kit from her room.

And so, while her guests talked about all and nothing, sang songs and teased each other about their romantic entanglements, Catherina was drawing, Elena looking over her shoulder and the soft glare from the fireplaces dancing on faces of flesh and of pencil alike.


	45. 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff, pure and utter fluff and the words we have all been waiting for...

45

“Damn, that’s a good bed.” Lin sighed as he sank into the soft pillows.

“It’s her father’s room.” Jonathan stated in a toneless voice, conscious of the defilement taking place and unable to turn away from the horrible portrait facing him.

“She’s come a long way.” Lin said softly behind him, but the painting drew tears to Jonathan’s eyes.

How could a parent go to sleep when looking upon the miserable, heart-broken face of his only child, of a little girl so lovely and fragile that he wanted to scoop her up and hold her safe and warm in his arms.

“Love?” Lin was now kneeling on the edge of the bed, taking hold of Jonathan’s hand and turning him around slowly.

“I can’t. I can’t understand. How could he? How could he look upon this face day after day and never relent? She was just a little girl, so eager to please him, so brave in hiding her pain and he did nothing.” Jonathan almost sobbed, his heart breaking for that lonely child.

Lin pulled him closer and wrapped his arms around his midsection, holding him like he wanted to hold a Catherina from the past, offering solace and affection.

“Oh, how I love you.” Lin sighed against Jonathan’s stomach and felt him go stiff, a tremble running through his now otherwise motionless frame.

“What?” A tremor in his voice as well.

“I love you. God, how I love you. How could I not love someone who would cry over a sad child? Who would take Spanish lessons for me? Who would deny his own pleasure to make sure I’m comfortable? How? I am absolutely lost.”

Jonathan didn’t trust his voice. A part of him had known, had read between the lines, had suspected, but hearing the words was different. It made it real.

“Say something, Groff.” Insecurity begging to be relieved coloured these words.

Jonathan opened and closed his mouth several times, breathing hard, positively gasping and sobbing now in his inability to make the storm within his heart pass through the narrow tunnel of his throat.

“Jon? Please…” Lin’ raspy voice chafed his skin, left it raw and bleeding like his soul.

“You do, do you?” He sounded as dumbfounded and confused as he felt.

“I do.” Lin shrugged, letting go of Jonathan to look him in the eye.

Looking back to the painting, Jonathan replied in an unexpectedly firm voice:

“So do I. Love you that is. And I promise to learn Spanish and to sing to you every single night if that’s what you want. I…I’d give and do anything to make sure you’re happy, you’re safe, you’re just where you’re meant to be. I have your back.

And…the children, your children, shall never look like that.” He pointed to the painting.

“I do love you, all of you, and it won’t always be easy, but I swear that I’ll do my best to embrace all that you are. A father, a writer, a genius, an artist, a man…”

He ran out of breath and his lungs burned because he hadn’t inhaled during this speech.

“I will be a lot, I will be too much on some days and not enough on others. I know that, but I’ll endeavour to be better…” Lin pledged in his turn, stretching his arms out again to pull Jonathan into his arms.

They were tired and maybe just a tiny bit tipsy, but their lips met almost immediately, melting in a kiss of relief and love that defied words.

Jonathan had a fleeting thought about how much Catherina’s father must have hated this to happen in his bedroom, but he was convinced that the old man had deserved that after all that he had done to Catherina.

Maybe this had been Catherina’s intent, to have some love between these walls.

It was a good, a warm feeling, to lie there with Lin in his arms, to look at the dark green canopy and dream of the life they couldn’t wait to start. He was basking in the words, in the love, in the moment. There was no heat, but the warmth that flowed through his veins made him feel alive and pulsating on the soft cushions and the pure silken comfort of the blanket that had tangled around his legs.

“I love you.” Lin murmured sleepily, words so often spoken in the nameless realm between wakefulness and slumber, but now that they had penetrated Jonathan’s ear and heart, he couldn’t stop uttering this truth that he had swallowed and disguised too often out of fear of being denied the very bliss that rocked him to sleep now.

“I love you too, darling.” Jonathan gave back cautiously, running his hands through Lin’s hair, shifting his weight to pull the blanket up around them.

With a last stern look upon the painting and the room, Jonathan closed his eyes to shut out the darkness and to shut in the light within him.

We defied you, old man. We defied you in every single way and we’ve won.

Catherina woke up in the middle of the night and crept out into the hallway.

Lying on the ground, shivering, she listened to the silence.

For the first time in her life, she was unafraid of the quiet house because she knew that it was just an illusion and as her senses grew attuned to it, she started to notice the sounds that accompanied living, breathing beings.

The creaking of a bedframe, the snoring of some guest or other, the faint yapping of one of the dogs having a bad dream.

Catherina smiled, lying almost naked in the middle of the floor, she smiled to herself because she felt comforted and comfortable in the silence of her own house, knowing that this was indeed just a respite. Come the morning, there would be shouting and glee, laughter and scolding, there would be sound and song to fill the empty halls.

The house itself seemed more beautiful as if it soaked up the vibrant energy of its guests and shone in the warm light of their inner and outer beauty.

Maybe, she wouldn’t have to sell the house. There were so many rooms and she could turn it into a dormitory for her school or an orphanage. She had seen Dolores’ eyes and she agreed, what this house needed were children.

Real children with their sticky fingers and their pearly laughter.

This was an idea for another day, Catherina thought, no longer surprised by the very flood of ideas that submerged her brain constantly once she had pulled the plug.

Her whole life, her father had made her believe that she was good for nothing, that she had no inspiration or drive and she had submitted to this.

Now, he was dead and she was all that was left, so, for better or for worse, it fell to her to take initiative and though her father would never have approved of the direction or nature of her projects, at least they existed.

“Miracles.” Catherina sighed as she went back to her room, past the heavy oaken door of her father’s room. She had always been scared of the door, of the room, of the person inside and of the things that might happen in there, but today, she knew that in there were two people she dearly loved and who would not harm her.

Disinfecting, figuratively, her house, that’s what she was doing, she was chasing out the poison and replaced it with love and light.

Her eyes fell on Elena, curled up, smiling in her sleep.

Her very own miracle, her love, her friend, her world.

Elena shifted a bit when Catherina’s cold legs touched her, but she settled back in the cold embrace a second later, eager for the contact and the comfort.

Something heavy dropped in one of the other rooms and someone muttered a curse before a bedframe creaked angrily.

Unable to resist, Catherina chuckled at the idea that one of her guests had pushed his roommate out of the bed.

Never before had she looked forward to waking up this much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, as always, leave me a note or a sign of your having been here...
> 
> thank you <3


	46. 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of random nudity and catfights today :)

46

It was still very silent when Catherina got up, went for a quick run and then took a shower before her first meeting of the morning.

Marie was an acquaintance at best and an enemy at worst, but her company did great research when it came to HIV and to the development of affordable drugs.

Rubbing her temples in anticipation of the headache that was definitely to come, Catherina slipped into the black dress, wondering why she owned so many black dresses.

She liked this one particularly though, because it was silk and flowed like a dark cloud around her legs, spreading out with every movement of hers and she needed the boost of confidence when meeting a woman who despised her for undisclosed reasons.

Also, Marie had flown all the way from Switzerland to New York to meet her. Praying that her guests were not up to any funny antics upon waking, she opened the door to her father’s study, sitting slowly down behind the antique bureau.

“Catherina? She’s here.” As she had no secretary, Dolores showed the woman in and Catherina held her back for a second, begging her to keep the houseguests from doing anything that could damage their reputation.

She didn’t trust Marie and one single look on the other woman’s face made it clear that the feeling was mutual.

“Have a seat.” Catherina stood to shake hands and then pointed to the deep leather seats that stood in front of the desk.

“Merci.” Unbeknownst to Catherina, jealousy flared like a raging fire in Marie, who had built her company from the ground up. She had rubbed shoulders with Catherina in the past, but she had never been able to measure up compared to this perfect little heiress.

When she had first met Catherina, she had loathed her immediately. How could such a pale, frightful creature be richer, more successful, more influential and more sought after than her?

Of course, Catherina had a kind of quiet, dignified beauty that she lacked, but in her mind, it was the privilege of her birth and of her station that made the major difference between them and she hated Catherina for it.

Her eyes narrowed into slits when Catherina sat down again, her dress a liquid dream around her; of course she’d wear a dress like that and look fresh and rested at this time in the morning whereas Marie gathered her wrinkled, limp skirt as well as she could around her bony knees protruding from under the fabric in their ugly, greyish tights.

“Que puis-je faire pour vous, Madame ?” Marie’s voice was pressed as she asked about what Catherina might want from her in the politest of terms she could find, even resorting to using the polite address common in French.

Sighing inwardly at Marie’s bristling before negotiations had even started, Catherina steeled herself and tried to explain that she sought to fund Marie’s work because she strongly believed in it and because she thought it necessary to change something to the way drugs were produced, presented and priced.

Ready to attack Catherina at every turn, it took a moment for Marie to realize that she had just said what she had wanted to hear from a financier for years. Elation and frustration, a desperate hope and a deep aversion battled within her heart for a moment before she nodded curtly and waved to Catherina to go on.

Explaining the details of the plan she proposed, Catherina leaned back in her father’s chair and fiddled idly with the ivory pen he had used for so long. The ink was a deep black, she knew, and it had to be refilled from a pot that a French ink producer sent over regularly from the continent.

“We need progress. This is a battle we’ve been fighting for too long with far too few results.” Catherina said in a decisive voice and despite her deep dislike of the woman before her and everything she stood for, Marie had to admit that she was indeed agreeing with what Catherina was saying.

“Come have breakfast. I have friends over and I’m sure they’ll entertain you. I am deeply regretting that I have another meeting, but I should be able to join you soon.”

Dolores blinked, stared, blinked again.

“Oh son, God have mercy. What is going on?” She grabbed Lin by the arm as he stepped out onto the landing, Jonathan in tow.

“I am to keep an eye on you. Catherina has business meetings. I’m sorry, I don’t know their real names, but I swear by all the Saints…Jefferson has just run by, stark naked, clutching what looked like clothes and president Washington was chasing him. In a blanket. Screaming bloody murder.” Dolores stammered, pointing to the empty landing.

Daveed’s wild cackling was still audible and Lin exchanged a cautious glance with Jonathan.

“I will take over. I promise. You go down and wash your eyes out with some strong soap, okay?” Lin then told Dolores and guided her cautiously to the stairwell.

Oak came out, wearing crumpled clothes from the night before and muttering under his breath.

“What is it?” Jonathan asked, leaning against the wall, waiting for Chris and Daveed to come running back.

“The fools are loose, and Ant won’t come out with his precious vase…He’s afraid they’ll smash it by accident.” Oak shrugged and made his way to the stairs.

The women also came out, looking significantly fresher than their male counterparts, glancing down the hallway at the two scantily clad men running around, shaking their head and following Oak without saying a single word.

“Breakfast. Get dressed. You traumatized a poor woman with your antics.” Lin barked at the men who trotted back to their room, Daveed handing back the clothes like a schoolboy who had been told off by his headmaster.

When Lin and Jonathan joined the others in the kitchen, a confused woman in a considerable state of disarray stood pressed against the fridge, looking wide-eyed into the room.

“Hello, Lin-Manuel.” Lin introduced himself, then pointing to Jonathan: “Groffsauce. Jon that is. Jonathan. Jonathan Groff. Damn, coffee?”

Dolores put a cup into his hand and patted his cheek, while the strange woman grew ever paler, taking short, gasping breaths between gritted teeth.

“Oh, c’était à prévoir, évidemment…” She muttered bitterly under her breath.

It was so like Catherina to have illustrious, good-looking, talented people over for breakfast.

Cal came in through the garden door, leading the dogs and greeting Marie with a fleeting smile. Marie’s heart jumped, Caleb was a gem of a man and much less frightening though much more imposing than Catherina.

“Miranda, Groff, sit.” He commanded and laughed when both men started to make their way to the table. He had been talking to his dogs, but either was fine by him.

“So, did the meeting go well? Did you actually listen to my sister or did you just spit vitriol at random intervals?” He then said to Marie while pouring kibble into the dogs’ plates.

“I…” She was insecure about her English, for she was well aware that one could easily hear that French was her mother tongue, but she had to concede that it would have been quite rude to speak French in a room of people who probably wouldn’t understand.

“We came to an agreement.” She almost whispered in an effort to hide her accent, but the room was so quiet that she was sure that everybody had heard, nonetheless.

Caleb explained who she was and what she did and despite his harsh words to her herself, his description of her work was tinged with admiration and respect which made Marie really happy because she was terribly proud of her work.

“So Catherina dabbles in medicine now?” Oak asked, interested.

“No, Catherina dabbles in money. If we develop better, cheaper drugs, we can dominate the market. Find new markets.” Marie shot back, no longer mindful of her articulation.

“Has she talked to you about cuts? Or just about funding?” Caleb asked calmly and Marie stood corrected, for Catherina had only talked about the money she would put into the project, never about the sum she expected to get out.

Her jealousy was at a peak when she understood that Catherina was loved by these people, that they would defend her honour and “good name” with as much fervour as Caleb.

This was a losing battle.


	47. 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I'm going on holidays for a few days, here's another chapter so you don't miss me too much :)

47

Catherina had not been looking forward to the first meeting of the day, but she was positively dreading the second.

The old man shuffling in had been the family’s lawyer for years and before that, it had been his own father. Their relationship went back generations and she was sure that he would have a lot of things to say about how she handled things.

This meeting though was about a very specific topic and Catherina’s hands began to sweat as the man slowly extracted files and an old leather notebook from his bag.

“Do you really want to know?” He asked in his rasping voice, caressing the notebook with something like fear, as if he was trying to pacify a wild animal.

“I need to.” Catherina stretched out her hands even though she would rather have bitten them off with her own teeth than to take hold of the book.

Reluctantly, the man handed over the notebook and opened his file.

“Your family has been successful over many generations and there have been many worthy endeavours…” He started, but Catherina cut him off.

“Don’t try to sugar-coat this, Henley, tell me straight-out, did we thrive on human lives?”

He cleared his throat a few times before nodding slightly and tumbling into speech again like a rusty locomotive: “At the time, it was very common to have holdings in the colonies. And as is the nature of your family tree, you were where the money was.”

Catherina held her breath, wincing at the “you”, her family had been slavers, of course, it was where the money was.

Her hands felt numb as she thumbed through the pages, records of transactions, of money pumped into enterprises run by other countries. Her father had been as British as they made them, but he had told her once that his family, their family, had ties to France as well which was partly why he had been attracted to her mother, a French-Canadian who was a mix of French, indigenous and British roots.

Unsurprisingly, only the indigenous part had displeased her father.

“Mutt.” Catherina swore under her breath, disgusted by the obsession of purity her father had always imposed upon her despite the fact that he had apparently not come from a very pure bloodline himself…or maybe because of it.

When he had died, Catherina had discovered that he had holdings in different parts of the States. The townhouses she had expected, but the random patches of land that he refused to let go had surprised her.

Louisiana. How could she not have known? Or had she? Had she shied away from the truth?

“Your family has written history.” The lawyer started again but was silenced by the ice in Catherina’s eyes.

Her family had been on the wrong side of history at every turn of events, they had been in favour of the colonial system, in favour of slavery, in favour of exploiting the Caribbean, in favour of the Nazi regime…

Money, they had put their money where it could grow, had planted it in the burning soil watered by blood and reaped the terrible fruits of someone else’s labour.

Trembling, Catherina opened the book she was still holding in one hand and recoiled instantly, but the book seemed fused to her skin and she couldn’t let go of it.

The lawyer had been right when using “you”, because the truth hit her with the violence of a storm washing over her.

Page upon page, the book was filled with notes and drawings. Faces and full-body pictures of people and beside their miserable depictions…prices.

Unable to hold it back, a long, wailing cry escaped Catherina’s throat as her eyes fell on the drawing of a young boy, both hands cut off, eyes swollen from crying, looking up at the painter with a resignation that broke her heart. “Kid. Age 6-10. Lovely singing voice.” was pencilled beside it, followed by a price.

There she was, everything she was, everything she had ever been proud of.

She thought of her own drawings, of the joy she found in art, of the love she had for music and it all turned to ash in an instant. Her meagre talents, her small joys, they were passed down from these people, they had been harboured by people who revelled in them by listening to slaves sing, by drawing people like in an advert, by denying the very humanity they should have celebrated.

“I…I can’t.” Catherina sobbed, finally dropping the notebook and starting to run as fast as her legs would carry her.

“His name is Christopher. You could say his name in a very reprimanding tone?” Lin shimmied up to Dolores and pointed to one of the rascals.

“Lin-Manuel.” Dolores said in a voice that sounded like the cracking of a whip.

“YES. Exactly like that.” Lin clapped his hands in glee and Dolores rolled her eyes.

“So, who’s with Reina now?” Elena asked Caleb, who in turn looked at Marie who, idling in front of the door of the study had actually seen the next person enter the room.

“I don’t know him, but I’d bet he’s a lawyer.” and then, to Lin, “Hey, aren’t you the dude who wrote a play about some dead politician?” 

He nodded, still poking Dolores playfully.

“Yeah, that’s the very man.” Jonathan replied in his stead, the pride oozing out of his voice and face and illuminating his whole demeanour.

“Seems to be really good. Saw something about it on TV in France, or was it Switzerland? Somewhere in Europe either way.” Marie shrugged, she wasn’t fond of fangirling as she found it undignified.

“Ant, is your vase not hungry?”

Shooting angry glares at the others, Anthony continued eating as if answering this light mockery was beyond him, but soon he cracked and laughed heartily.

It took some time before the penny dropped in Caleb’s head but the desperate “NO” that followed the realisation had all the others startled.

His voice broke mid-cry, translating the breaking of his heart in a terrifying way.

“No, Hensley, no.” He muttered, spinning in a circle before making his way to the door.

“What is it?” Elena had jumped up, spilling her coffee and almost leaping over the table to get to Caleb.

“Hensley, the lawyer. Louisiana. VIRGINIA! The slaves, oh no, Catherina, no, _no_…”

Caleb was now crying, tears streaming down his face, unashamed of his pain.

“Catherina.” He sighed and just as he was about to exit the kitchen, the front door slammed shut in an audible bang and suddenly everybody was on their feet.

Caleb found the old lawyer in the study, looking upon the notebook in a forlorn manner.

“I tried to stop her.” He pleaded but Caleb would have struck him if he hadn’t been that old and frail. And then he saw the open page, the child’s face, the pricing and Catherina’s own sketchbook tucked away on a shelf.

He snatched both up and ran to the door, desperate to find his sister, to help her, to pacify her, to keep her from doing something unspeakably stupid.

The procession of people in crinkled clothes, holding coffee cups and half-eaten toast, would have been funny if it hadn’t been for the terribly serious looks on their faces.

“I know where she has gone” Elena murmured and pointed to the belfry of a church in the distance. Catherina was a Roman Catholic and as her whole family was buried on another continent, this was the only place she could turn to if she wanted to confer with their ghosts.

The notebooks pressed against his heaving chest, Caleb had the feeling of wading through quicksand. His feet wouldn’t match the pace of urgency of his heart and he was about to cry out in despair and frustration.

“We’ll find her. It’s okay.” Lin tried to calm him, but Caleb only lifted the old book, opening it at the page that had made Catherina flee her home and friends.

“Good Lord.” Lin gasped quietly.

“Oh no…Catherina.” Elena who had looked over Lin’s shoulder, tapped Caleb on the arm to ask for forgiveness and started to sprint, unmindful of the others and the world, not heading traffic or passers-by, single-minded in her need to find Catherina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know that you've been here :D


	48. 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back...with another chapter...
> 
> Disclaimer: Blood and tears and references to slavery...

48 

Father García had never seen Catherina like that and he was genuinely frightened by her as she burst through the doors, leaving them swinging wide open.

Cold wind was gushing in as she lay sobbing on the barren floor, blood running down her legs in a steady stream.

“Child…What is it?” He murmured in a calming voice, but nothing seemed to penetrate the haze of pain and tears that engulfed Catherina.

She was clawing at the skin exposed by the cut of her dress, just beneath the collar bones and above the heaving motion of her breasts and he had no idea how to stop her from tearing skin with every movement.

As far as he could make out, she had run here from home, blind and deaf to everything but her own distress. Her incoherent stammering between sobs and dry heaving told a story of a dark past uncovered and old sins unravelling around her much too fast for anyone to understand.

He had known Catherina for many years now, she had come to mass often as a child when they were in New York and he knew her to be a moral and generous woman, but he also was used to seeing her in absolute control of herself and of her surroundings.

What could have made her lose this iron grasp upon her own being?

“Free me, father. Get me out of this body, drain me of this blood, I beg you.” She clutched at his robes now, desperately pulling him to the ground until he knelt in the ocean of blood and despair, trying not to drown himself.

“Child, my lamb, no. Whatever could have hurt you so bad?” He asked, stroking her hair, tangled and damp with sweat.

“They were all murderers. And here I was thinking it was all good investments, factories, shares, houses all over the world. How could I not have asked about the capital that made these investments possible in the first place?”

Her head sunk onto the floor with a loud smack that rattled his bones.

Slavery, abuse, exploitation of workers, the Nazis, Catherina’s words came fast now and he tried to keep both his heart and his soul open to absorb pain and sin, but even his own, well-worn heart groaned under the weight of the things the small woman revealed to him.

Helpless in the face of a wound so deep, Father García stayed on the floor, gripping both of Catherina’s hands and folded himself over her, waiting for the storm to subside.

They found Catherina’s right shoe, the heel broken off, at the beginning of the street the old church was in. Next to it, two dark spots and some clear droplets.

“She has fallen.” Lin wheezed, but when he turned to look at Jonathan, he saw the same determination in his partner’s eyes as they quickened their pace a little more to reach the doors through which Elena now plunged, kicking aside Catherina’s second shoe.

Lin could hear his friends behind him. He was in a rush, but he couldn’t miss the dark droplets on the wide stairs of the church, which had been bleached by the sun, the time and countless steps.

And there she was, wailing, her hands bloodstained, her knees a mess, her dress a dark pool of black silk that seemed to swallow her whole.

The priest was draped over her to protect her though whether it was from the cold air blowing in or from the fury within herself wasn’t entirely clear.

“Reina.” Elena’s voice resounded, bouncing back from every curved wall to rain comfort on Catherina’s battered mind and body.

Catherina’s head snapped up and she began crawling backwards, revealing her bloody knees and the half-dried streaks down her chins.

“Don’t you come near me. Don’t you touch me.” She shrieked and clambered around the priest to get away.

“Reina, I swear to God. Yes, you hear me God, may you be my witness. Catherina…That’s quite enough.” In a fit of despair, Elena hurled herself across the space between her and Catherina and just dragged her down again, holding her in place with her body.

“Lena…I can’t…” Catherina sobbed and looked up as Lin and Jonathan just threw themselves half on-top of the women, not knowing what else to do.

“Catherina.” Caleb came forward, kneeling to her side.

“No, Cal…No, it can’t be.” It broke his heart to see that a part of her seemed to hope that he could take back what she knew to be true, that he could undo it, that he could rewrite history for her sake.

“My lamb, I shall retreat. Look up, Catherina. If all that you told me was true, would these people be here?” The priest spoke mildly and pointed to the people waiting in front of the altar, their eyes wide with terror and worry.

“They don’t know what I have done.” Catherina howled, “They don’t know what I am.”

“CATHERINA!” Elena thundered and slapped her friend and lover.

Dazed, Catherina looked up, only to see the shocked faces of all the others.

“Stop this immediately. Hand this over Cal!” Elena snapped and shoved Catherina’s notebook, ripped from Caleb’s hands, over the floor.

“Look!” She waited until Catherina’s eyes dropped. “This is what you have done.”

She poured the drawings out, scores of them, of people, of places, of memories.

“I thought it came from my mother, but Elena, don’t you understand? Everything that makes me…me, comes from them!”

Elena roared: “Don’t make me strike you again, you foolish creature!”

Then gentler: “You are wrong. Yes, this man liked to draw and so do you, but he drew property with a derisive, mocking hand. Are these your slaves?” She pointed to the people waiting still.

Catherina’s eyes widened in wordless horror.

“No, they’re not. They’re yours, but in a very different way. THESE are your drawings, your hand was guided by love and admiration, by friendship, by tenderness. Look at them, hard, look! Is this the work of a monster?”

She caressed a drawing of herself, mid-plié, her forehead creased in concentration as she anticipated the jump she intended to perform.

“And yes, they liked music. Don’t we all? Do you listen to slaves sing while they scrub the deck and take pleasure in it? No, you pay good money for a show. Hell, sorry God, you pay good money so other people can listen to some music.”

Her hand curled around the abused cheek softly and she lifted Catherina’s face until they locked eyes again.

“You are nothing like them. You are not their chains, you are the key. And yes, your family has supported some really terrible ventures…but, Catherina, they were always on the losing side of history and you might have the chance to set the record straight.”

“How did they get so rich then? By shipping people to their death. By selling guns to both parties of wars. By hiding money. By buying up property and shares in the wake of wars. It is blood-money, Lena.”

“Then clean it, Reina. Look what you have done to your beautiful skin. I love you, I love you so much and I will not let them destroy you. They have no power over you anymore.”

Elena wiped away the tears that had stolen down her cheeks without her noticing.

“Maybe, we should burn the whole thing?” Oak proposed, eager to see Catherina laugh again. This was part of history and it pained him to see how deeply it still affected people, that it went on ruining lives, on both sides of the mirror.

“BURN? No, to quote someone brilliant, I shall not erase myself from the narrative. I want Henley to find every single page of this shit, every note, everything that is still in our possession and I want it sent to the Museum of Slavery in Liverpool.

I want people to know.”

Turning to Elena, she added in a firm voice: “Whatever happens, love, one thing is clear: I shall never bear children. This bloodline and all its dirt shall die with me. This will be my ultimate revenge upon them.”

Nodding, Elena replied: “We shall find a way. I respect your decision though. I do.”


	49. 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Healing...

49

“Sweet Jesus, girl…” Lin looked at the deep scratch marks on Catherina’s skin, scared to hurt her, afraid of touching her at all as if she was about to shatter into a million pieces under his fingers.

He picked up a drawing that had fluttered out, it was the very first she had ever done of him and he looked upon his own startled face, waking up in a hammock and seeing Jonathan hovering over him. He remembered the moment. He remembered the feeling.

Handing it to Jon without looking up, Lin went through the other drawings scattered on the cold stone floor and smiled. Ant and his vase, Oak flexing and laughing, Chris watching them with quiet amusement.

“These are good, you should sell them.” When he saw Catherina’s tear-streaked face freeze into a mask of pure dread, he chuckled: “Auction them away, I mean. I want this one. I’ll pay you anything you want.”

He held up a portrait of Jonathan, face cupped in the palm of his hand, staring longingly into the distance, this beautiful smile that was so typical for him playing around the edges of his mouth.

“Anything. Name your price, Catherina. Think of the children you’ll be able to save.” Lin was beguiling in his intensity, waving the drawing in front of her face.

“Very well, Miranda. I want 1000 dollars for it.” Catherina said grumpily and jumped when Lin stretched out his hand for her to shake.

“Oh, we’re buying drawings? I’ll take that one home for my fiancée.” Anthony interjected and grabbed his depiction. “I’ll keep the vase and she’ll get a picture.” He sounded very convinced of his plan and wasn’t discouraged by his friends mocking the idea of his fiancée being happy to get a picture of her lover holding a vase as if it was a baby.

“She adores me. She’ll be over the moon.” He replied haughtily and started haggling for a price with Catherina.

“Hmmm, you do have a knack for business. But you use it to do good… you ARE their descendant. Nobody can deny that, you have the same talents, you have the same strength of mind and intellect, you may have their hair or their eyes.” Elena commented, took Catherina’s hand and put their intertwined fingers on the bleeding, broken skin over her heart.

“But, dear Reina, you don’t have their heart. Or rather, they didn’t have yours. And in the end, that’s what’s going to make all the difference. Now please get up from the floor so I can get you into a warm bath.”

Jonathan closed the door behind his friends who went home to get some well-deserved rest, and, in Anthony’s case, to polish his vase.

Tomorrow would be their big day and even though he was looking forward to it, he was still a tiny bit nervous.

Walking upstairs, he rolled his tense shoulders, unsure what this was going to be like.

As he pushed open the door, warm steam enveloped him and he quickly closed the door of the bathroom behind him, standing against it for a moment to take in the scene.

Elena had undressed Catherina to her underwear and Jonathan was startled by the deep gouges in the white skin just above the bulging of the pearly breasts still embraced in a lacy, black bra.

Lin was kneeling on the floor, wiping Catherina’s legs down with a damp cloth while Catherina herself stood motionless, her eyes empty and exhausted.

She was too hurt and tired for shame or decency and the pang of jealousy running through Jonathan’s vein was completely undignified and uncalled for and he knew it.

“Leave me. I cannot stand this.” Catherina lashed out all of a sudden, her eyes fixed on Jonathan.

“No, they cannot take this from me.” Elena protested.

“You cannot be like that every time someone wants to do something for you. I am not your slave, never have been, never will be, not like that either way. What I do for you, I do out of love and they will not soil that. I shall not let them.” She went on cleaning the wounds meticulously as if Catherina was not trying to twist away.

Willing himself into motion, Jonathan plunged his hand into the bathwater and stirred the bubbles to life. A smell of lavender with a hint of vanilla filled the room and he was comforted by that powdery scent of femininity and refinement.

Following the wordless order from Elena, both men turned around as Elena lifted the last items of clothing from the abused body of her friend and let her sink into the warm water.

Drawing the curtain, she knelt beside the bathtub and picked up the clothes to throw them in the basket next to the door.

“Why are you standing in my bathroom?” Catherina asked after a few seconds when she realized that nobody had actually left the room.

“The last time you were unsupervised, you turned your knees into a bleeding pulp, scratched yourself bloody and slammed your head into a stone floor.” Lin replied calmly and sat down next to Elena, holding her hand encouragingly.

He then held his other hand out to Jonathan who resigned himself to spend a little more of his day on the floor, so he sat down next to the two others, resting his head on Lin’s shoulder.

“What do you expect? That I’ll wash myself to death?” Catherina mocked but she was indeed fighting against the urge to scrub off all her skin so she could cleanse every cell, every drop of blood of the knowledge that would taint every day of her life.

“Oh, you’d have to ask Jon about that.” Lin laughed and told her the story of how Jonathan had tried to ward off an intruder by waving a shampoo bottle in front of him.

After a short silence, a broken and quivering laugh came from behind the thick, pink curtain.

“You’re still doing the thing, you know, Lin? Offering up Jonathan as a means of comfort.” Catherina then muttered almost inaudibly.

“I do. Does it work?”

Catherina thought for a moment. “Yes, it does.” She admitted and let the comforting warmth seep into her skin and into her mind.

Their love for each other had always comforted her, as it had shown her doors opened that she had never even known were there.

“Tomorrow, Hamilton.” Jonathan added with a cheerfulness he didn’t feel and a small sob came from the depths of the bathtub.

“Don’t talk about Hamilton, you fool!” Elena scolded and reached a hand behind the curtain.

Catherina had no idea how she would make it through the play, through the loss of a child, through the loss of a hero.

“Look at it as a tale of hope. Of a new start. Of victory.” Lin tried to comfort her, very aware of the beast he had created and the way it affected people.

“And we’ll be right there. We’ll find you, we’ll catch you, we’ll be there.” He promised and Jonathan who drank those promises from Lin’s lips hoped they would strengthen and restore Catherina like they did him.

“Well…let me buy you a drink. I’m sorry you had to witness that.” Caleb looked at Marie with pride where she had expected shame and she only nodded.

Apparently, there was a lot about Catherina that she didn’t know. She had thought that the woman knew all about her mucky family history and that she was either proud of it or indifferent to the slaughter.

It was shameful how healing it had been to her to see the mighty Catherina lying on that floor, crying her heart out in a most unflattering manner.

“Let’s go then.” Caleb prompted and she trotted along, unsure as to how to proceed or what to say.

“She’s really trying to make a difference. For the world. For humanity. For herself. For her family.” Marie was not sure if Caleb was talking to himself or to her, but she didn’t interrupt him as he muttered in a low voice that sounded like an angel’s.


	50. 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comfort and friendship...

50

Catherina let her friends’ light conversation and banter wash over her mind like the warm water washed over her torn skin.

Both burned, but it was a good, a healthy burn that cleansed and restored.

“Catherina?” Lin prompted her for a reaction and she laughed, muffled by the curtain: “Yes, yes, I hear you. Don’t go sticking your hand in Jonathan’s ass to give me a puppet show.”

When silence followed her statement, she pushed the curtain aside and looked out upon three flushed and gasping faces.

“I don’t think they got to that part yet.” Elena commented, a smirk on her lips.

“What part??” Lin asked tonelessly.

“The one where hands end up in asses. Oh dear…” Elena cackled when she saw Lin’s eyes widen and his mouth drop open helplessly.

Lin’s head swung around and his eyes drilled themselves into Jonathan’s, questioning, curious.

Mercifully, Catherina’s phone started ringing inside the laundry basket and thus, this very uncomfortable moment was interrupted by the noise and the urgency of the call.

“Ja, hallo? Ah, vielen Dank für den Rückruf. Hmmm? Nein, gar nicht. Sie stören mich keineswegs...In der Tat. Ich bin in New York. Aha? Ach, das wäre wundervoll.

Sicher, sicher, Sie können mich jederzeit zurückrufen. Vielen Dank. Ja, Ihnen auch. Bis dann.“

They sat there, confused, as Catherina spoke on the phone without leaving the bathtub or taking any notice of the incongruity of the situation.

“Take it easy, girl. Did Hamilton teach you nothing at all? You can’t lose yourself in your work. You have to make time for yourself. For your friends. For your lover.”

Elena looked at the men for support and both were quick to agree, but Catherina only laughed.

“Unlike Hamilton, I do NOT have a lover. Or a son I want everybody to look at.”

“Well, you have a gay romantic interest.” Elena commented pointedly.

“And a lot of papers, yes.” Catherina chuckled, thinking about the play and mentally wincing when that old, well-known grief over fictional or semi-fictional characters set in.

“Am I your Eliza then?” Elena asked in a soppy voice.

“No, baby, if anything, you’d be my Angelica. The one I’d had gone for if only I had been braver.” Catherina replied with a sigh.

“Well, you’re with me now…” Elena laughed and splashed a bit of water blindly at Catherina.

Jonathan tapped his watch. They had to pass by the theatre to check on the last things before the performance the next day, but nobody was willing to leave Catherina on her own for the time being.

“You haven’t met Leslie Odom Jr.” Lin called after a moment and Catherina’s head poked around the curtain to look at him in a confused way.

“I actually have met him. You do remember that I used to come down to the theatre every day?” – “But not really…Come, I’ll introduce you.” Lin beamed.

Catherina was aware that she was being babysat by these monumental losers who didn’t even try to be sly about it and she was about to refuse when she saw the trail of blood lingering like a flower in her bathwater.

She knew exactly how she’d feel if any of her friends had behaved the way she had carried on and if they only loved her half as much as she loved them, they would be sick with worry.

“I’ll come. I’ll meet him, I’ll be nice and steady.” She promised and blinked as three different hands were shoved around the shower curtain.

“What are you doing?” She asked, putting foam on the hands and shaping little mountains.

Was this solace? Was she the same person than at her father’s funeral? Was she even the same person than before this all had started?

Suddenly, there were hands to hold around her and she held them fiercely, confidently, trustingly.

An hour later, she rode in cab with some of the people she cherished most on this earth, her wounds open and burning in the fetid air of the vehicle.

She felt tired and worn-out, but she was too afraid and too frail to be alone, that she knew as well as Lin did.

“Small lady.” She was lifted out of the car by Oak’s arms and didn’t even resist the urge to blot herself in the embrace, to hide, to disappear in the knotted ropes of pure muscle.

“We need Leslie.” Lin chirped in as he remembered his excessively delicate ruse.

“Oh, do you need to confer, sir?” Oak mocked, but started moving with Catherina in his arms, walking slowly and carefully, asking her how she felt, stealing glances at the red streaks crisscrossing her skin.

“I’m alright. I’m sorry. It was…intense.” Catherina muttered, saddened and ashamed by her behaviour earlier in the day.

“Don’t be. I’m sorry it hurt you so much, but the fact that it did shows that you’ll be different. That’s all we need for a better world, people who feel the pain and choose to be different.” He replied and set her down in front of a man.

“Leslie, Catherina. Catherina, Leslie.” Lin introduced her flatly, grinning like a boy who had solved a very difficult puzzle.

“Amazing, Miranda. You never stop blowing my mind.” Catherina mocked under her breath, but she insinuated a curtsy to the man in front of her and shook his outstretched hand vigorously.

She knew him from sight, knew his voice especially and the warmth of his smile made her smile as well. Good people.

“So, now that you’ve met Leslie. Do you care to come to the dressing room and maybe lie down for a bit?” Jonathan led her carefully down the corridor and personally shook up some pillows, getting a blanket from somewhere and tucked her in.

“I’ll stay with you for a while, okay?” He asked, beckoning to someone just beyond Catherina’s field of vision.

“You okay? My fiancée wants to say thank you for the drawing and the vase…” Ant shuffled in, holding the hand of the cutest person Catherina had ever beheld.

After thank you’s had been exchanged and Catherina had encouraged Anthony to sell the damn vase and take his woman on a nice trip, she was left alone with Jonathan in the silent room.

“You should sleep a tad.” He whispered, awkwardly patting her hair while kneeling next to her, wishing Lin was here because even if his ideas were rubbish half of the time, at least he had ideas to soften blows and alleviate pain.

Catherina nodded and breathed in deeply. She couldn’t tell him, but his smell calmed her. It had nothing to do with Jonathan himself, she conceded, but with the way Lin had cradled his shirt when he had been sick and with the way she herself had fallen asleep with that shirt on her mind and in her proximity. Jonathan, his smell, his voice, everything about him had become a beacon of comfort over these last few days, mainly because Lin considered and used him thus.

“Can I do anything for you?” Jonathan asked, unsure if he was actually making things better by being here or if Catherina would have preferred to be alone.

“I’ve heard so much about you from Lin. Why don’t you tell me about him? Not facts, I know the facts. Feelings. Tell me how you feel?”

Gulping, Jonathan shifted his position to sit more comfortably and gazed into Catherina’s half-open eyes a long time before starting: “I have always been gay. So, did Lin hit me right in the gut the first time we’ve met? You bet he did. Did he notice? You bet he didn’t.”

Catherina chuckled and settled down, her breathing slowing and her body relaxing.

“So…we’ve been friends for quite some time and I’m sure everybody with a tad of interest in that kind of shit and access to the internet is aware of our shenanigans in all of those years.

And then…you arrived. You and your plan…”

Humming her consent, Catherina was eager to hear what was about to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end of this first part of the narrative, let me know how you feel :)


	51. 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random fluff :)

51

“Want to come up?” Catherina interrupted him and shuffled to one edge of the couch, making room for Jonathan to half-lie on the piece of furniture as well.

He settled carefully on the free spot, lifting Catherina’s legs into his lap and went on:

“He was the first thing I’ve consciously noticed upon returning, upon getting here and it was…easy. You know? Damn, I swear, you and Lin, you’re the wordy people here and I don’t feel like I’m doing the story justice.” He squirmed impatiently.

“You’re doing just fine.” Catherina knew what he meant though, he and Elena were both people who conveyed sense by their body, meaning that came straight from their heart and flowed through their veins without needing their words as an outlet.

“So, yes. And then, it all turned into a blur. He said that he loved me. Yesterday. He did.”

Unconsciously, Jonathan had lifted his hand to his face as if to check if he was still there, awake, real, telling a true story.

“Hmmm.” Catherina hummed. Inside her mind, a part was squealing and another was just calmly acknowledging the inevitably obvious.

“Since that first day, it has been one hell of a ride. I think that you’ll manage to change the world. You’ve changed mine in oh so many ways.” He patted her leg softly and smiled when she looked up at him, surprised.

“I’m not Lin, I don’t have his confidence, you know…I wasn’t sure if you wanted to hear this from me, but…I am very fond of you. We all are.” He blushed, feeling exposed and vulnerable.

“Oh, I do love you too. You’ve taught me so much.” Catherina sighed and it was his turn to be taken aback by her words.

“Well, restraint and dignity…and the love that shines so bright through the cracks. Sacrifice and denial. You so obviously had feelings for Lin and still, you’d never have told if he hadn’t made the first step. You are an amazing man and just by being that, you’ve given me trust and courage to look upon the world with less fear.” She explained in a low, trembling voice.

“Aw, that’s so cute. I always feel like you see things in me that I cannot see, but I am thankful.” He gave her that cute little half-smile that never failed to shut Lin up for a minute and Catherina could see the appeal of it.

“Also…The way you look at Lin has given me hope that maybe I have not yet ruined every chance I ever had with Elena. I mean, I had things to do, a role to fulfil, and I was too scared to be side-tracked by being anything else than what my father expected me to be. In the end, I’ve never managed to be that person anyway, but not for a lack of trying.”

“Your family sucks. I mean, if this is preposterous, just tell me, but…how would you feel about…calling a kinda-but-not-really Mennonite boy, a bunch of Caribbean dudes and some African-Americans your family from now on, huh?” Jonathan stretched out his hand and Catherina didn’t even hesitate before shaking it.

“They are in the past, but we are here? I mean, you could have an aunt Oak, or would Ant be your aunt? He’s kind of an auntie…Well, you can have both as aunts.” Jonathan babbled, holding Catherina’s hand in his.

Catherina was flooded with a sense of relief that left her whole body tingling. Redemption and a new start, offered with a simplicity that knocked the wind out of her, but she was eager to accept the offer.

Jonathan started humming “I’ll stand by you” and the door flew open, Lin bursting into the room and into the song in his very own unapologetic manner.

“We’ve adopted Catherina.” Jonathan informed him as he came over, still singing, to breathe a kiss on Jonathan’s forehead and sling his hand casually around his neck to pull him into a soft, loving kiss.

“Right…You’re family.” Lin nodded in Catherina’s direction and just plopped into Jonathan’s lap. Thankfully Catherina retracted her legs just in time to avoid having them crushed between manly thighs.

“Family meeting?”

Suddenly the room was full of people who told Catherina that their checks and rehearsals were done.

“Oh wow, babe, I leave you alone for a minute or two and you end up exchanging your pretty, white family for a bunch of insane ethnical people?” Elena laughed, playing the devil’s advocate.

“Jon is white.” Catherina protested. “And as gay as they make ‘em!” Elena retorted, cocking one eyebrow provocatively.

“You look pretty white.” – “You know I’m not.”

“I was asked, Jon asked me if I’d want to…I…Maybe he shouldn’t speak for other people. I mean is this so strange? Am I overreaching?” Insecurity hit Catherina square in the gut.

“Hell nah, I’m down with that.” Oak gave Jonathan a high five.

“We’ll have you gladly.” Anthony agreed, grinning broadly while trying to stuff something down Daveed’s collar behind his back.

“Your last chance to pull out, Catherina. If you say yes now, you’ll never get rid of us.” Lin warned, making a threatening face and staring at her with smouldering eyes. 

“Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes.” Catherina exclaimed passionately.

“And so, she turned from the path drawn for her by unseen hands.” Lin sighed theatrically.

“And so, she chose freedom. To live, to love and to pursue goals she deemed worthy.” Catherina corrected, kissing his hand reverently.

Elena looked upon this scene transfixed by the changes she saw in the woman she loved. Family had always been a sore spot for her and was even more so on this day than any other before and yet, Catherina was so decided to reclaim her life that she managed to cleanse even the notion of family.

Wounds fell off her like a skin she had outgrown and the person that emerged from that chrysalis of thwarted expectations was marvellous to behold. Elena had never loved anybody like she loved Catherina in this moment, Catherina sitting so close to two men that their legs touched, Catherina who had kissed a man’s hand, Catherina who smiled at a man so dark she would have winced a few years ago.

Catherina had been scared of people, scared of being touched, scared of touching people, afraid of being dismissed and abused at every turn, frightened of people of colour.

Apparently, she was finally done living in fear every single minute of her life.

“Well, say goodbye to your aunts and uncles, babe, we’re going home. I need to take care of that body of yours. Right now.” Elena declared and Catherina got up without a word, waving to her friends, to her family, and followed Elena out of the room.

“I’m so proud of you.” Elena sighed and gasped when Catherina slid her hand under her shirt to rub a finger over her nipple over the bra even though they were still in the theatre.

This kind of promiscuity was unexpected and terribly exciting and Elena nearly jumped on top of a cab to get it to stop in her desperation to get home as quickly as possible.

“So…would you please explain that thing about shoving hands into assholes?”

Lin was leaning against the doorframe, naked, cupping his face in one hand and waiting for an answer.

_Ugh, his mind_, Jonathan thought, _that discussion, that single remark rather had been uttered hours ago_.

“No, Lin, I’d rather not?” He replied, patting the spot next to him in bed.

Stepping closer at a torturously slow pace, Lin kept his eyes trained on Jonathan’s face, not satisfied by the refusal.

“There are a lot of ways to have…fun, I guess. One is, as you might now, penetration.”

“Yes? Tell me more about it?” Another slow step.

Jonathan was mesmerized by this body, so fluid, slipping in and out of the shadow and looking more like a fever-dream by the second.

“It was a stupid joke, Lin, come to bed.” Jonathan groaned, shifting in bed but unable to turn his gaze from the ever approaching but never arriving ghost looming at his bedside.

“I want you to show me.” Lin demanded and his tone made it very clear that he would not be turned away or distracted.


	52. 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and angst...

52

It was late and she was in desperate need of a shower, but Marie couldn’t wake up from that dream. Cal had taken her to a late lunch and they had talked about everything and anything, about work and the state of the world and mutual acquaintances, skilfully avoiding the one subject that would make them argue: Catherina.

“Don’t you have to check on your sister?” She asked when she felt like exploding under the weight of the elephant in the room.

“Her girlfriend has taken her to the theatre. She’s safe there. Her friends will come through for her, I know. They themselves have written as well. She’s alright.” He sighed because he knew that upon coming home, he would have to have that discussion with Catherina nonetheless and he was not looking forward to it.

“I’m sorry for her. I don’t like her, never have, but she seemed genuinely distressed and I didn’t enjoy witnessing it.” Marie said after clearing her throat, she was afraid that Cal thought her some kind of sadistic monster who took pleasure in his sister’s pain.

“What has she ever done to you?” Cal asked without anger or sting.

“I guess I’m just jealous.” Marie admitted and was surprised to hear that Caleb thought that she wasn’t so unlike Catherina.

He then proceeded to tell her all the things Catherina planned to do and Marie felt a sort of respect grow inside her mind, because for all the things she had been given by her family, Catherina had decided to choose a different path and to go it alone if need be.

Also, she had never known that Catherina loved the theatre or that she drew pictures of people, that she was crazy in love with dogs or that she was dating a woman.

Slowly, the picture of the perfect heiress disintegrated and was replaced by a portrait of a woman much more complex than she had expected.

“You say that you’re jealous of all the things Catherina was given but you don’t know about all the things that have been imposed upon her from the very moment of her birth on. If you met her without prejudice, I think that you’d like her. I really do. She’s a lot like you, she’s passionate and kind, hungry for progress and deeply averse to injustice.”

“She’s beautiful.” Marie didn’t know why she had said that and felt ashamed of having divulged her own weakness so carelessly.

“So are you.” Cal smiled for he thought Marie an attractive woman, tall and slim with long honey-blonde hair framing an angular but well-balanced face. In his opinion, she didn’t smile nearly enough, but when she did, it lit up the room due to the vibrant energy that smile sent out in waves.

“Hmmmm, thank you, I guess. So…what now?” Checking her watch, Marie realised that it was time to go home, to take a shower, to sleep off the jetlag and the emotional turmoil.

“I could try to get a ticket for tomorrow for you, otherwise you could come to Catherina’s house after the show and have a drink with us?” Cal invited her and upon learning that the prices for the tickets had reached astronomical sums, Marie agreed to swing by later and try to meet Catherina anew.

Catherina lay, sweating, on her bed, her whole body trembling with the aftermath of Elena’s lovemaking.

The way that woman touched her, teased her until her skin crawled with expectation, the way her fingers seemed to weave unseen pattern inside her, made her question if she had ever really understood the concept of sex before.

Initial shyness had been replaced by a self-forgotten hunger and Catherina had touched and tasted every single inch of Elena’s body, had driven her over cliffs and edges so steep that Elena could do nothing but dig her nails into Catherina’s back to keep herself from falling endlessly.

A dark thought overcame Catherina and she began shivering again, panting quietly as she battled against the rise of sheer panic inside her chest and mind.

“What is it?” Elena pushed herself up on one elbow, alarm written all over her face.

Catherina didn’t even dare speaking the words that assailed her aloud. _Time was running out_.

Soon, those people she had come to love would disperse all over the world because every single one of them held a job that would take them to opposite ends of the planet.

The mere thought was unbearable and Catherina pushed down the tears again and again until they overflowed and threatened to drown her.

Through the sobs, Elena pieced together the reason for this outbreak and she would have been lying if she had said that she hadn’t thought about that before herself.

“Promise me that you’ll always come back? That this will always be home? That we’ll always find ourselves back again, here, in New York?” Elena whispered and lifted her hand to offer her pinkie.

“I promise.” Catherina wailed, curling her own digit around Elena’s.

“You cannot lose them, I promise this as well.”

Elena had been friends with Lin for many years, not as tight as they were now, but she knew that if you only wanted to and you were in the right business, you could always get a hold of Lin. He was always busy, but he wasn’t the kind of person to pretend not to know you if you ran into him somewhere. He was a solid friend.

“Look, Reina, in all these years, you’ve always seen Cal and you’ve always seen me, no? If you just believe that people love you and that you can ask them to do stuff, you will do stuff with them. Do you understand?” She asked, because indeed, Catherina had always had time to come see her regularly and this would not be different.

“That’s how family usually works. It’s not always a haunting or a curse, for most of us it’s the quiet, inobtrusive certainty that we have a place to go, a person to call and a set of arms in which we’re always welcome.”

Elena knew that these things were still difficult for Catherina to understand or to believe but she stuck with her initial assessment that Lin could make her feel better and that his friendship could break down doors which didn’t even have a lock in the first place.

“Maybe.” Catherina was not convinced but a seed of hope had found a nesting place within her heart now and she would carefully tend to it over the next few days to see if it could grow in the barren earth of her soul.

Jonathan gulped, clutching the blanket covering him up to the stomach in spasms of nervous energy that ran through his veins like a current.

It was so typical for Lin to jump into everything without pondering the pros and cons before.

“Naaa, don’t make that face. I have access to the internet, you know? I had the most thorough of showers in my whole life…” Lin growled, alarmingly close to Jonathan now.

Jonathan was aware of the fact that they had not taken their sexual relationship further than what they had initially established as ground zone. He had imagined that kissing another man, touching another man, having oral sex with another man would be quite enough to wrap one’s head around and he had assumed that they would leave it at that stage for a time until it stopped being new and strange.

They had been teasing for years, they still were and he now often wondered if he had brushed aside the notion of Lin being at least half-serious too quickly in the past.

The way that man slammed him into walls to kiss him or grabbed his ass when nobody could see were intoxicating but it was the looks he gave Jonathan that made all the difference.

Openly hungry, they washed down his body at the most inopportune times and Jonathan had to count to ten in his mind to keep himself from blushing furiously and betray his own willingness to give into that desire by unconscious movements or sounds.

“I love you.” Lin murmured, nibbling at Jonathan’s ear for a second before sliding into bed, pressing his cold limbs against his partner’s warm skin.

“I love you too.” Jonathan gave back, his voice trembling a little.

“But do you desire me?” Lin asked darkly, his fingers running down Jonathan’s arms now, tickling his skin to blazing life.

“You have no idea.” Just a tad over a whisper or a sigh, the words were like wine that went, heady and dark, right into Lin’s bloodstream.

“Prove it.” He demanded, shuffling closer until his mouth found the pulsating spot on Jonathan’s neck where he could feel his blood thunder downhill in a rushing avalanche.


	53. 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER:  
This chapter will contain smut! Fingers and assholes and so on...  
Please be advised!

53

“No.” The word was tiny but it fell into their hushed breathing like a cannonball hitting the floor.

“A little bit?” Lin pleaded, conscious that these things wouldn’t evolve as fast as he wanted them to and that he had a lot to learn. Funny how things that had seemed so easy and obvious all his life, turned out to be potentially much more intricate than foreseen.

And others were so much easier all of a sudden, he added mentally as he kissed Jonathan’s forehead to smooth out the worried frown that had formed there.

Jonathan didn’t know what he was so frightened of, why he hesitated, but part of him didn’t want to let Lin in on all the things he didn’t know yet.

He felt like crying when he understood that somewhere, somehow, he felt almost ashamed of what he was and of what he did. He was well aware that Lin had known women, that he had slept with them, that he had children, that he knew what sex was like.

But…what if this would disgust him? What if he turned away? What if Jonathan was to lose him for good and he wouldn’t ever be looked at again with that burning desire?

“Tell me, my love. What is it?” Lin sat up, kneeling beside Jonathan and forcing him to look into his eyes and tell the truth.

Jonathan didn’t find the words to explain the shame he felt about being ashamed in the first place and the fear to reveal things too outrageous for Lin to bear.

“You do take me for a dunce, don’t you? Do you really think that I did not do my research? That I did not go and have a health check-up? That I did not pick up brochures and thumbed through books and browsed the internet? Hell, Jon, I’m almost 40 and I work in a business where homosexuality is not exactly rare, you know? I have the theory, but I need you to show me…will you show me?” Lin didn’t even breathe between the words, he just hauled them out in one long breath, in that impeccable cadence so typical for him and Jonathan stared, mouth gaping open.

“I’m just scared you won’t like it.” Jonathan whispered, “That you’ll stop liking me because of it.”

“Oh come on, don’t do that, love.” Lin exclaimed. He framed Jonathan’s head with his hands on either side of it on the mattress, leaning over to kiss his forehead, the bridge of his nose, his lips, his chin.

“I love you, I love you so incredibly much, I won’t ever stop. I couldn’t. Even when I die, this love will be in every single atom that makes me up and wherever they go after I decompose, they shall remember you. The way I love you makes us both eternal.” Lin murmured in a hushed voice, once again touched by the sweetness of his lover.

“Look me in the eye, Jon. Come on.” Taking one of Jonathan’s hands while precariously balancing on the other palm, Lin placed it on his own body to encourage the other man to touch him, to make him feel welcome and wanted.

And when Jonathan’s eyes met his, he was himself tempted to close his eyes just to commit this very moment to memory for eternity, because it was so perfect.

He would write him, he would put Jon on paper, he would string endless words together to bear testament to this strong magnificence that hid a much more fragile kind of beauty, he would spend the rest of his life trying to capture with words what seemed to expand the boundaries of his heart and soul every day a little bit further until it would engulf the whole galaxy.

“Are you sure?” Jonathan sighed, caressing Lin’s ribcage, his back, the back of his thighs.

“When am I not? A little bit, give me a glimpse, give me a future to look forward to.”

Thoughts swirled through Jonathan’s mind with a dizzying rapidity, bouncing off the walls of his skull and resonating in his brain like echoes of screams. Of course, Lin was prepared, when wasn’t he? And he was brave and temperamental and spontaneous and adventurous.

_And in love with me_, Jonathan thought and the storm subsided. Love. The answer to everything. The only answer.

Slowly, he traced one finger up Lin’s thigh, curled his hand around it, squeezed it lightly.

Lin immediately spread his legs while inching closer to Jonathan, his eyes still open and burning bright.

“So…you had a special shower for this, huh?” Jonathan teased, but his voice was still betraying nervousness and a good deal of insecurity.

“Yup. Wanna see?” Before Jonathan could answer, Lin turned around and presented his ass to him.

“Erm…Miranda, what are you doing?” Jonathan gasped, his hands drawn to the curves of this body presented in all its vulnerability.

The curve of Lin’s back where it joined his ass, the curve of his ass where it went into his legs, the curving line that beckoned like a realm of forgotten darkness in the unlit room.

And then Lin wiggled his butt in a parody of modern popstars or the worst pornstars in existence and Jonathan couldn’t help but chuckle at so much self-irony.

It was now or never, he knew, so he spit on his fingers and trailed them from Lin’s asshole to his balls, exerting a slight pressure on the perineum.

This was greeted with a soft sigh from Lin who tilted his hips to move towards, to move into the touch that was finally granted to him.

Lingering in the sweet area of in-between, Jonathan felt his own arousal break through the cracks of his self-control and tried to push it down violently.

“Do that again.” Lin moaned, twisting impatiently, but he should have known better than to try to rush his lover, who now slowed his caresses to the laziest of concentric circles, varying the pressure exerted and never getting any closer to either his balls or his asshole.

“Please.” Lin begged, trying to hold still and yet unable to do so.

He tossed the huge bottle of lube Jon had brought home carelessly behind him. It hit Jonathan square in the chest which provoked a little coughing sound when the air whooshed out of his lungs in surprise.

“Sorry. Oh damn, sorry. Please...Jon? Please.” Lin was muttering and when he turned around to see if Jonathan was hurt, his eyes were wild and focused under quivering brows.

“Yes, yes, love, give me a minute.” Jonathan replied, smiling, as he opened the bottle and poured lube over Lin’s ass and his own hand.

Then, he sat completely up, leaning against the head of the bed and had Lin kneel in front of him on top of his own outstretched legs. “Hold on to me.” He said, wriggling his feet to make Lin understand that he could grip his shins if need be.

“Ready?” Jonathan asked and Lin patted his shins in reply.

Taking a deep breath, Jonathan started running his index in a wide circle around Lin’s anus, getting him used to the touch and trying to calm the frantic clenching of the sphincter muscle.

“Relax. You can opt out any time. Just tell me, yeah?” He whispered lovingly, stroking Lin’s ass-cheeks with his free hand.

He felt that Lin wanted to reply but all that escaped his mouth was a low groan that sounded like a strange mix of frustration and lust.

The circles became smaller until the single digit danced along the rim of that promised land that its owner had denied himself for so long.

Lin was whimpering by now, but it didn’t sound particularly distressed and certainly not actually pained.

Spreading the lube, Jonathan worked it onto every single spot of skin before pressing his finger flat against Lin’s asshole, not penetrating in the least, just giving him a first taste of the sensation of pressure from the outside.

With a loud moan, Lin dropped his hips, taking the decision from Jonathan and damning to hell all his intentions of carefully working up to every single sensation and action.

His finger slid easily in, so all his preparations had not been in vain, that could be seen as a victory, Jonathan thought while tightening his hold on Lin’s ass-cheeks so he wouldn’t do anything else to endanger his meticulous plan.

Slowly moving his finger around, in tiny circles again, to relax and stretch the sphincter, Jonathan thought that he was almost back on track with this when Lin’s hand detached itself from his shin.

Almost immediately the lost hand was found again, only…it was caressing Jonathan who had not been immune to the alluring sights and feelings offered to him.

“Lin.” He growled, retracting his finger slowly.

Lin put his hand back on his shin, whimpering softly at the loss of stimulation.


	54. 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut...and children, not in the same scene though :)

54

Lin knew that he was walking a tight-rope here and he was already tottering.

Jonathan was probably the most controlled of men and he wouldn’t stand for any humbug Lin could possibly try, moving his finger with such prudence that he would put a snail to shame and stopping immediately as soon as Lin only hinted at moving or taking initiative in any way.

This had become a game of its own and it was sweet torture to just cower there on all fours and be explored without being able to retaliate or urge Jonathan on.

At some point, Lin was convinced that he’d soon start crying with frustration and as if he had known, Jonathan curled his free hand around his balls and the breath caught in Lin’s throat.

“How are you?” Withdrawing the hand again, Jonathan caressed his back tenderly and Lin just bend over and sunk his teeth into Jonathan’s shin.

“OW!”

Jonathan took the opportunity of Lin being bend over completely, spread open, glistening wetly and introduced a second finger into the tight space.

The sound uttered by Lin was somewhere between a gasp and a moan and it was music to Jonathan’s ears. Slowly, ever so slowly, he started moving his fingers in outspreading and closing scissor motions, twirling and curling, running his fingertips along the lining gently.

When he found the spot from which he could best stimulate the prostate of his partner, he lingered, then strayed away again and came back.

“Is this what you had in mind? Don’t bite me again, use your words. Don’t you have the best words Lin? Hmmm? Isn’t that your talent? Words?” Jonathan teased, running his free hand lightly between Lin’s legs, feeling the lube drip onto his forearm.

“Yes. No. What words?” Lin stammered, breathless, a whimpering undertone to his voice.

Jonathan felt him shiver and decided that this was quite enough for today, that he had obliged Lin and allowed him a glimpse into things yet undiscovered. Carefully, he pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the bedsheets, tearing it from the mattress to gently dab at Lin’s exposed body.

“What? No…Have I done something wrong?” Lin spun around, stumbling over Jonathan’s shins in the process and almost tumbling out of bed.

“You were perfect.” Jonathan reassured him, pushing him down beside him and massaging his back in slow circular motions. “You did great.”

“Then why did you stop?” Lin wanted to know in a mournful tone.

_Because I was toeing the line of my own self-control_, Jonathan thought, _because it would have taken just one more moan or shiver for me to lose that grip I have on my own feelings and needs_.

He had been too close to letting go and would have ended up selfishly taking what had not been offered. He wanted to. He longed to bury his face where his hands had been, he craved the feeling of that tight ass around him and the intensity of his need frightened him.

“This was quite enough for a glimpse.” He sputtered, salivating, sighing, fighting against the rising tide inside his mind and body and losing piteously.

He saw that Lin wanted to protest but he couldn’t let him argue and plead, couldn’t withstand the begging look in those eyes that were so dark now that they positively looked black, the mere sight of the half-open lips and that alluring body were enough to make him tremble with the effort to restrain himself.

So, he plunged down, making sure that inarticulate moans were all that passed Lin’s lips for a good moment, feeding the restless need coiled white-hot and slithering inside his own gut by filling his mouth with the warmth of Lin’s cock.

He had really believed to have bought himself some reprieve, but he had been wrong as he soon discovered.

Lin was kneeling inside his spread legs, running his fingers up his legs, down his stomach and it took a moment for Jonathan to understand that this was revenge, that he would not let him come until he begged for it.

“Miranda, what the fuck?” He cursed, biting back on the harsher words born of the darkness his own self-denial had spawned inside his soul.

“Quid pro quo.” Quoted Lin haughtily, barely touching his cock before going back to teasing everything besides it.

It was torture and it was heaven at the same time, Jonathan could see his face glow in the darkness, illuminating it, saw his nimble hands crawl all over his body, pinching and caressing until his breath came in ragged and irregular gusts, rushing out of his body never to return and still, Lin didn’t take pity.

“Mercy.” Jonathan pleaded, twitching, arching, desperate to be released from this purgatory of unquenched lust.

“No.” The single word cut like a double-edged sword and Jonathan was reminded of all the times he had said it to Lin. How he regretted that now that he was at his mercy and he wouldn’t let him reach the point of blissful oblivion.

Lin proceeded to touch him, then stop, to lick along his thighs, then stop, to curl his mouth around his aching cock, then stop again.

“I am going to strangle you soon, Miranda.” Jonathan threatened, but they both knew that he would do nothing of the sort.

“Say pretty please.” Lin demanded and Jonathan obliged, begging between sobbing breaths.

And finally, Lin took pity on him and so, they ruined another set of sheets that had to be replaced before any of them could get a good night’s rest.

Catherina woke up bathed in cold sweat. The world seemed to spin faster all of a sudden and the last days had gone by in a blur.

For the first time in her life, she wanted to suspend the minutes and the hours, to stay right where she was right now and never leave.

After she had kissed Elena good-bye, she opened her door to another woman and a small, greyish dog.

“Sorry, I had to bring everybody along.” Vanessa smiled, leading a young child by the hand while cradling a literal baby in her other arm.

Miranda and Groff came forward, sniffing out the newcomer and then taking the small dog with them to their favourite chilling spot near the fireplace.

“So…these are the children?” Catherina looked upon them with interest and caution.

“Yeah, they won’t bite.” She nodded at the sleeping baby and gave the bigger boy a warning look that Catherina knew still.

“Go sit with Tobi, don’t touch anything.” She instructed the boy who complied easily enough, attracted by the mutts.

“Why does the dog have the same name than me?” The boy piped all of a sudden and Catherina blushed, explaining that it was a stupid joke some time ago, but apparently, her explanation did not really retain his attention or gain his approval because when she ended with a sigh, he had already turned away and was playing with the dogs.

For an hour or so, the two women talked about business and Catherina once again thought how much she liked Lin’s wife.

“How are you? How are the children?” She then asked when Dolores brought coffee for them and a plate of healthy snacks for the boy.

“We’re alright. Lin checks in every day and we’re used to him being all over the place either way. So yeah…he looks alright too. I’m glad. And tonight’s the big night?” Vanessa smiled and plunged her hand into her handbag.

“Sebastian has chosen this for you. Do you want to come give it to daddy’s friend?”

The boy trotted over, took something from his mother and handed it to Catherina with an awkward smile that melted her heart.

“Mum says you have to see daddy’s play tonight. Here. So you aren’t so sad.” He stretched out his hand, holding a plush, pink unicorn.

“Lin said he was afraid you’d cry your heart out and that half the cast will jump off the stage to comfort you, so the boys and I thought we’d get you a little helper to make it through the play?” Vanessa was still smiling, a mother through and through and Catherina missed her own mother for a second.

“That is so considerate. Thank you. Believe me, I’ll need it.” Catherina replied, choking on tears she was too proud to spill in front of a toddler who looked at her with all the judgemental haughtiness of his age.

“You can call it Mummy. Mummy stops you from crying.” He said wisely and Catherina nodded, apparently brilliance was a genetical trait after all.


	55. 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter of the first part of Catherina's story...

55

She would make it through. She would.

Catherina promised herself over and over, forgoing heavy makeup because she knew she would cry after all and putting on the cross Dolores had given her.

Lin had asked her not to wear black. It was random, but she was happy to oblige.

Thinking of Lin and of Elena, she chose a cocktail dress the colour of Jonathan’s eyes, the colour of a Puerto Rican summer sky, the colour of the endless ocean.

Turquoise and shimmering, the dress didn’t cover the dark gashes on her décolleté or the crusts on her knees.

She had never looked more vulnerable, her tiny body so obviously battered, her pale face so naked without the artifice of smart dashes of colour, but she felt strong and loved and she would make it through the performance.

Clutching the unicorn to her chest, Catherina grabbed her bag of the bed and headed for the door. This was the moment she had been waiting for, her last chance in a while to see all of her friends together.

When she arrived in front of the theatre, she wanted to turn back, to stop time, to disappear but she made her way in, greeting some people she knew before going backstage.

The random sounds of people warming up their vocal cords greeted her and she knocked on Lin’s door.

“Not yet.” He yelled from the inside and then a shuffling was heard and he opened the door.

“Oh, it’s you. Come in. What is that?” He pointed to the unicorn in her hand.

“It’s a gift from your son. To keep me from crying. I don’t know why he thinks that I’d be crying…but it’s welcome.”

“Maybe because the play is so bad?” Lin laughed but he seemed charmed with the trinket his kid had gotten Catherina and hugged it to himself to imbue it with strength.

Then, typical for him and surprising nonetheless, he made everybody else hug and kiss the plush toy as well.

“There you go. Now, we’ll be with you. It’s just a show.” Lin tried to cheer her up, but they both knew that it wasn’t true. After this night together, they would all leave and maybe not meet for quite a lapse of time and the subjects were a sore spot for Catherina who was still struggling with her family’s history.

Eventually, the call to get ready came and Catherina slipped into the packed audience to take her seat where a blanket had been laid out.

“Ladies and gentlemen.” Caleb began on the stage. “I am here to welcome you because we are presently tucking my sister into a safety blanket. This show might turn out to be quite distressing.” He chuckled.

“I want to thank you for your generosity and your avidity, and I think Lin will be happy to know that his play is so sought after that people have started bidding for the last tickets. The very last has been sold for 15 000 USD. My own dear sister has waived her claim to a box in favour of someone willing to pay good money for it.”

Roaring applause accompanied Lin’s appearance on stage.

“Hello people. Why, I am happy to hear that. Also, Catherina,” he turned to her, “on behalf of the cast, I want to tell you that we waiver our payment for tonight. What you do is honourable and we want to support you as best as we can.” He bowed and went back with calm, measured steps, winking at her before disappearing behind the curtain.

Lin saw everything. He saw how Catherina, Elena, Dolores, Cal and surprisingly Catherina’s ex-husband mouthed every single word of the lyrics along.

He saw the fire in Catherina’s eyes and her frantic applause after the first act had ended.

“So? Until now everything cool?” Jonathan appeared, in costume, taking a sip of Catherina’s beer and sitting down in Cal’s seat, Cal himself having disappeared to get the elderly aunts drinks at the bar outside.

“Yeah, it’s alright.” Catherina smiled, reclaiming her drink and patting his arm reassuringly.

He saw the pain in her eyes though, she had seen the play often enough to know what was to come and she was already anticipating the nameless hurt that would rip through her.

“We’ll be there. Just look to the edge of the stage, we’ll be there.” He promised and had to rush back to re-join the cast before the end of the entr’acte.

A part of him was frightened as well, because he loved Catherina and it hurt to see her ache so terribly even though he knew that it was just a play. Thus was the evil genius of the man he loved, he had written something that could lull, inspire and tear people apart by its insidious beauty that wormed its way into the hearts and souls of the audience.

Catherina put on a brave face, but when the boy fell, struck down by a bullet, she gasped and buried her teeth into her lip to keep herself from crying out.

She then sobbed through the next song, clasping the unicorn as tightly against her abused bosom as she could and gnawing her lip to shreds in order to be a polite member of the audience.

Lin saw that as well, saw the stoic face of Caleb marred by single tears rolling down his cheeks, saw Elena’s heaving sighs and her wet eyes and he saw Catherina, dissolving under the flood of her tears, the very image of grief.

It drove tears to his own eyes to see this much sincere empathy in the audience, to hear the discrete sniffling throughout the rows and to know that his art had touched people to their core.

When the curtain finally fell, he grabbed Jonathan and kissed him passionately, overcome with joy and relief and a sense of urgency.

The curtain rose again and Oak jumped off stage to bundle up Catherina and her blanket, still clutching her unicorn, and put her down in front of the audience.

“Thank you for coming tonight. Please stay and have libations, get autographs, donate money. This was my dream and you’ve helped me edge ever closer to its becoming reality. Thank you.” She said in a broken voice, held, hugged and cheered by her friends.

She then wheeled around and fled from the glaring light and the eyes trained on her weakness.

“What if I never see any of you again?” She wailed as Jonathan turned her around to comfort her obvious distress. He froze, his eyebrows shooting up, his hand automatically curling around Lin’s beside him.

“What are you talking about, woman?” Jonathan laughed, exchanging confused looks with Lin.

“Catherina? You will buy a house. And we’ll come and trash it. You will open a school and we will come and celebrate this. Welcome to America. There will be Thanksgiving and Christmas, New Year’s celebrations, when Ant knocks Jazzy up, you can give the baby a tiny vase like the fairy godmother you are. Sweet Jesus, you will see so much of us that you’ll grow tired of middle-aged men with saggy bodies hanging around you.” Lin chuckled, half-hugging her without letting go of Jonathan’s hand.

“Aw, little lady…What is that about?” Oak interrupted and mussed her hair teasingly.

“I am just so scared. This has been the best time of my life.” Catherina muttered.

“No, baby, this is your life. You will miss them, so will I. I shall miss you too and you shall miss me, but we’ll go and be successful and change the world. And then, we’ll get back together time and time again. That’s what life’s like.” Elena kissed her hair and pressed her hand gently.

She understood why Catherina was so frightened, but she also knew that there was no reason for this kind of fretting. It would work out. It had to. She would make sure that it did.

“Let’s have drinks, let’s go home and party. Let’s toast to a new life and the change we all crave.” Elena yelled and led the people from the slowly emptying theatre to Catherina’s house.

It would turn into the best night of Catherina’s life and she would think back on it until her dying days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this...Thanks for reading.
> 
> There is a second act to Catherina's story (and that of all the other characters) but I have to think on it a bit more before deciding if I'll post that as well or not...Stay tuned


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